All in a Row
Alex Oates
All In A Row.indd 1 18/02/2019 10:53
METHUEN DRAMA
Bloomsbury Publishing Plc
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First published in Great Britain 2019
Copyright © Alex Oates, 2019
Alex Oates has asserted his right under the Copyright, Designs
and Patents Act, 1988, to be identified as author of this work.
Cover design: Ben Anslow
Cover image © Rebecca Pitt
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All In A Row.indd 2 18/02/2019 10:53
Paul Virides Productions, Evelyn James Productions
and United Theatrical present
ALL IN A ROW
by Alex Oates
All in a Row received its world premiere
at Southwark Playhouse on 18 February 2019
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ALL IN A ROW
by Alex Oates
CAST
Tamora	 Charlie Brooks
Martin	 Simon Lipkin
Gary	 Michael Fox
Laurence	 Hugh Purves
CREATIVE TEAM
Director	 Dominic Shaw
Designer	 PJ McEvoy
Puppet design and direction	 Siân Kidd
Lighting designer	 Rachel Sampley
Sound designer	 Benjamin Collins
Movement consultant	 Esther Huss
Assistant director	 Annabelle Hollingdale
PRODUCTION TEAM
Production manager	 Callum Finn
Assistant production manager	 Bex Snell
Company stage manager	­James-­Paul Hayden
Deputy stage manager	 Zoe Leonard
Press representation	 Kate Morley PR
Photography	 Nick Rutter
Cover artwork	 Rebecca Pitt
Assistant producer	 Jarred Ted Page
General management	 Paul Virides Productions
Producers	Paul Virides Productions
Evelyn James Productions
United Theatrical
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CHARLIE BROOKS | Tamora
Charlie Brooks is a regular fixture on British
television.
Charlie rose to prominence playing the role of
Janine Butcher in BBC One’s flagship series
EastEnders. Her portrayal earned her National
Television Award nominations as both Most
Popular Newcomer and Most Popular Actress,
alongside numerous other nominations and
wins.
Charlie’s other extensive television credits include: Robin Hood, Love
Soup, Angel of Death and Bleak House (all for BBC), Suspects
(Channel 5) and Wired (ITV).
On stage, Charlie received critical acclaim for her portrayal of Blanche
DuBois in A Streetcar Named Desire (Curve, Leicester) and as Sandra
in Beautiful Thing (Arts Theatre and national tour), amongst others.
Charlie’s most recent credits include the world premiere of Monogamy
at Park Theatre, Teresa Phillips in the national tour of How the Other
Half Loves, Tina in Jimmy McGovern’s Moving On (BBC One), the
short film Fog for the Oscar winning team Film London and Vida in
Tightrope (BBC Radio 4).
As herself, Charlie has appeared on numerous television shows
including: The Chase: Celebrity Special, Celebrity Juice, Strictly Come
Dancing Christmas Special, Harry Hill’s Alien Fun Capsule, Loose
Women and I’m a Celebrity . . . Get Me Out of Here, which she won in
2012.
SIMON LIPKIN | Martin
Theatre credits include: Mr Poppy in Nativity!
The Musical (UK tour); Rat in The Wind in the
Willows (London Palladium); Nathan Detroit in
Guys and Dolls (Phoenix Theatre); Lou Lubowitz
in Miss Atomic Bomb (St James Theatre); Bill
Sykes in Oliver! (Grange Park Opera); The
Proprietor in Assassins (Menier Chocolate
Factory); Man (lead) in I Love You, You’re
Perfect, Now Change (Arts Theatre); The Lorax
All In A Row.indd 5 18/02/2019 10:53
in The Lorax (Old Vic); Touchstone in As You Like It (Southwark
Playhouse); Barlow in I Can’t Sing – Harry Hill X Factor Musical
(London Palladium); Lonny Barnett in Rock of Ages (Shaftesbury
Theatre); Galahad in Spamalot (UK tour); Mad Hatter in Alice in
Wonderland (Nuffield Theatre); Willard in Footloose, Sammy in The
Wedding Singer (UK tour); Blake in Austentatious (Landor Theatre);
Nicky and Trekkie in Avenue Q (Noël Coward Theatre); Gad in Joseph
and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat (New London Theatre);
Leopold in Never the Sinner (Kenneth More Theatre).
Television credits include: Rocky in The Amazing World of Gumball
(Cartoon Network); Ricky Zoom; Nollar in Doctor Who (BBC); Marcus
in Casualty (BBC); Liam Hayes in The Bill (ITV); No Strings Attached
(BBC), Harry Hill’s Teatime (Sky).
Film credits include: Hugo in Show Dogs (Open Road Films); Jerry
Poppy in Nativity Rocks! (Mirrorball Films); Chief Elf in Nativity III (Mirror
Ball Films); The Muppets’ Most Wanted (Walt Disney), The Harry Hill
Movie.
Further credits include: concert: Buddy/Roy in Honeymoon in Vegas
(London Palladium); and workshop: The Wicker Husband in The
Wicker Husband (Stiles and Drewe).
MICHAEL FOX | Gary
Theatre credits include: Frankie in A Lie of the
Mind (Southwark Playhouse); Billing in An
Enemy of the People (Chichester Festival
Theatre); Orlando in As You Like It (Transport
Theatre – Luxembourg and UK tour); Stephen in
Leaves on Glass (Room One Productions);
Claudio in Measure for Measure (University of
the West of England); Morten in An Enemy of the
People (National Theatre); Edmund Kean
(Watford Palace Theatre).
Television credits include: Andy (series regular) in Downton Abbey
(seasons five and six – ITV/Carnival); Gavin Webster in Midsomer
Murders (ITV); Ken Wilding in Endeavour (Mammoth Screen);
Marvellous (Tiger Aspect); Shem in The Ark (BBC/Red Planet); Luke in
New Worlds (Company Pictures); Kevin in Little Big Mouth (ITV); Harry
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Roswell in Family Affairs (Channel 5); Ronnie in Mrs Bradley Mysteries
(BBC).
Film includes: Andy in The Downton Abbey Movie (Carnival); Dunkirk
(Warner Bros.); Bobby in Good People (Millennium Films).
HUGH PURVES | Laurence
Hugh trained as part of the inaugural year of The
Curious School of Puppetry in 2016. Since then,
he has worked as both a puppet performer and
designer for theatre, film and television.
Theatre credits include: Clementine’s Fabulous
Roadshow (Mark Mander Productions); Vivaldi’s
Four Seasons (Shakespeare’s Globe).
Film and television credits include: Possum (The Fyzz Facility); Solo: A
Star Wars Story (Lucasfilm); Monty & Co. (Pipkins Productions);
Shabake Nim (Manoto TV).
ALEX OATES | Writer
Alex is a writer, based in Northumberland. He has been shortlisted for
the Old Vic 12, longlisted for the Bruntwood Prize, and nominated for
Best New Play at the Offie Awards.
Theatre includes: Rules for Being a Man (All In Productions, UK tour);
Mutations (rehearsed reading, Pleasance Islington); Pig (Silent Uproar
in association with Hull Truck, New Diorama, Marlowe Canterbury and
ACE); Hansel (Assemble Fest, Hull); Silk Road (VAULT Festival 2018,
Live Theatre, Newcastle and Assembly, Edinburgh); People Will See
Me and Cry (The Story Project, Arcola Theatre); Fan Fiction (rehearsed
reading, St James Theatre); Self Portrait with Bandaged Ear (Parker
Theatre, New York); Time Warner Ignite (Old Vic Tunnels); Zombie
Nation (24 Hour Plays, Old Vic).
Film, television and radio includes: Match Not Found (Bytesized
Entertainment, web series); The ­To-­Do List (pilot, BBC Three
Comedy); North vs South (pilot, BBC Comedy North); EastEnders E20
(staff writer); Get Ali (Constant Productions); Silk Road (Wall to Wall
Media); Our Liam of Lourdes (BBC Radio 4).
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DOMINIC SHAW | Director
Dominic grew up in Jersey and trained at Performers College, Essex.
Credits as Director: Secret Garden (Barn Theatre, Cirencester); A
Memory for Forgetting (Arcola Theatre); Bubonic (Ambassador
Theatre Group workshop); Thoroughly Modern Millie (Guildford School
of Acting); Catch Me if You Can (Ambassador ATG workshop); Avenue
Q (GSA); Silk Road (nominated Best Director, Offie Awards – Trafalgar
Studio 2, VAULT Festival 2018, Live Theatre, and Assembly,
Edinburgh); Get Got (C too, Edinburgh); Fan Fiction (Reading, The
Other Palace); Forthcoming: Next Door (White Bear Theatre); Thirteen
Days (The Other Palace).
Credits as Associate Director: Kinky Boots (Adelphi Theatre); Beautiful
– The Carole King Musical (Aldwych Theatre); Dirty Rotten Scoundrels
(Savoy Theatre/UK tour); Legally Blonde (Savoy Theatre/UK tour/
Australia/Vienna).
Staging for television: Olivier Awards 2016 (Kinky Boots), 2015
(Beautiful) and 2011 (Legally Blonde); GStarRAW 2013 advertising
campaign (Rankin Photography); New Year’s Eve Live 2012 (Sydney);
Comic Relief 2008 (Hairspray); Tonight’s the Night (ITV).
Dominic is a guest teacher at GSA, Arts Educational Schools and The
London Stage School.
Performing credits include: Elton John and Tim Rice’s Aida (original
German cast); Saturday Night Fever (Capitol Theatre, Düsseldorf);
Wicked (original London cast); Hairspray (original London cast); Royal
Variety Performance (2006/2007).
PJ MCEVOY | Designer
PJ designs sets, costumes and projection content, and holds a firstclass
BA (Hons) in Professional Production Skills from the Guildford
School of Acting.
Credits include: Fanatical: A Sci-Fi Convention Musical (Playground
Theatre); A Little Princess (Royal Festival Hall); One Minute, The Secret
Garden (Barn Theatre, Cirencester); Doubt and A Parable (Southwark
Playhouse); Outlaws to In-laws (King’s Head Theatre); Legally Blonde
(Alexandra Theatre); The Dover Road (Jermyn Street Theatre); Some
Girl(s) (Park Theatre); The Pillowman (Aberdeen Arts Centre); Alice in
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Wonderland (Guildford Shakespeare Company); Hatched ’n’
Dispatched (Park Theatre).
Credits for drama schools include: Sweet Charity (Royal Northern
College of Music); Priscilla, Queen of the Desert (Arts Educational
Schools); Crazy for You, Fanatical (Mountview); Spring Awakening,
Goodnight Mr Tom (British Theatre Academy); Dear World, Carrie,
Thoroughly Modern Millie, Catch Me if You Can, Honk!, Spelling Bee,
Snoopy!!!, Hands on a Hardbody, On the Town, Henry IV, V and VI,
LIFT: The Musical, Songs for a New World, The World Goes Round,
The Gut Girls (Guildford School of Acting); Little Women, The Witches
of Eastwick, The Fix (Performance Preparation Academy).
As Assistant Designer to Jack Galloway: The Drowned Man
(Punchdrunk Theatre, Temple Studios); Batman Live (world arena
tour).
PJ also designs paper props and graphics for shows across the West
End, most notably the Golden Tickets and Wonka Chocolate Bars
featured in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
www.pjbydesign.com
SIÂN KIDD | Puppet Designer
Siân moved into puppet design and direction in 2018, following her
work as a puppeteer after graduating from Middlesex University in
2009. She performs regularly as a storyteller with The Embers
Collective and with her puppet company, Mirth and Misery, which she
founded in 2012.
Theatre credits include: The Boy Who Climbed in to the Moon (UK
tour); Pinocchio (ARC, Stockton); Troll (Little Angel Theatre); Labrat
(Jacksons Lane); Beasty Baby (Polka Theatre); Beauty and the Beast
(Norwich Puppet Theatre); Royal de Luxe (Liverpool); Tim and Light
(UK tour). Associate Directing: The Winter’s Tale (National Theatre);
Box of Delights (Wilton’s Music Hall). Directing: Aurora (Greenpeace);
Death Puppet Klezma Jam (UK tour); Microbodyssey (Alphabeti
Theatre).
Television and other credits include: Diversity Essentials (Video Arts);
Shabake Nim (Manoto TV); Birdseye (Art War Entertainment); Moon
Rabbit (Ivy League Records).
All In A Row.indd 9 18/02/2019 10:53
Siân is a guest lecturer at the Royal Central School of Speech and
Drama and Falmouth University, and the puppetry tutor with the
Creative Dimensions Trust.
RACHEL SAMPLEY | Lighting Designer
Rachel trained at Rose Bruford, the University of the Arts, Philadelphia
and the Royal Central School of Speech and Drama.
Lighting Design credits include: Imogen Heap: Mycella Tour (world
tour); Some Small Love Story (Streatham Space Project); The Last
Five Years (The Other Palace Studio); Silk Road (Trafalgar Studio 2);
Nele Needs a Holiday (Latitude, Ovalhouse, Summerhall); The Famous
Five (C venues); Finishing the Picture (Finborough Theatre); Amanda
Palmer Solo Show (Patreon London); Future Voices (Southwark
Playhouse); Roles (V&A); Orpheus (The Vaults); Madonna or Whore
(Assembly Roxy, The Vaults); NeverLand (The Vaults, Theatre Deli
Sheffield); We Live by the Sea (59E59, Greenwich Theatre, Adelaide
Fringe, SoHo NYC, Pleasance Edinburgh); Tortoise and the Hare
(tour); The Great Gatsby (Guild of Misrule); Becoming Mohammed
(Pleasance Theatre, London); dirty butterfly (Bread & Roses Theatre);
Threads (Hope Theatre); The Joy of Bellydance (Sadler’s Wells, Lilian
Baylis Studio); Disaster! the Musical (Charing Cross Theatre); Back to
Blackbrick (tour); Royal Air Force Concert Band (tour); Scheherazade
and 1001 Nights (Lillian Baylis Studio and tour); People of the Eye
(Summerhall); Strawberry Starburst (Blue Elephant Theatre); Hamlet
(Cockpit Theatre); Low Level Panic (Bread & Roses Theatre).
BENJAMIN COLLINS | Sound Designer
Benjamin has been writing and recording music from a young age; he
worked early on with producers James Sammon and D.A. Doman. He
is a sound and media designer, holding the position of Media Director
at the Barn Theatre.
Other credits include: Recording Engineer, Just So (Barn Theatre);
Projection Designer, The Hound of The Baskervilles (Barn Theatre);
Projection Director, One Minute (Barn Theatre); Content Creation, Dark
Sublime (Trafalgar Studios); Audio Engineer, ‘A Song For Cirencester’
(Charity Single); Sound Design, Super Awesome (Workshop).
All In A Row.indd 10 18/02/2019 10:53
ESTHER HUSS | Movement Consultant
Esther trained in Theatre Dance at London Studio Centre.
She works as a freelance dancer, choreographer and teacher in both
the professional and community dance sectors.
Credits as Choreographer/Movement Director include: Ghost, Mary
Poppins, Hairspray, Scrooge (Sadler’s Wells, Lillian Baylis for Daylight
Day Centre); Trinkets (Tate Britain); Speaking Bodies (New Diorama
Theatre); We Are Here (Stratford Circus).
Performing credits include: Turandot, Faust, La Calisto, A Midsummer
Marriage (Royal Opera House London); About Us (Oxford Modern Art
Gallery, Oxford House, Siobhan Davies Studio); Pestival (Queen
Elizabeth Hall); Kool Down (Somerset House); Punk (Barbican Centre);
Guest Suites UK Tour (Royal Opera House Clore Studio, York Minster,
Plymouth Barbican); Planeta Ka (Unicorn Theatre).
Esther co-founded and continues to run the inclusive dance company
Dandelion Collective. She was recently awarded a creative
development grant, funded by the National Lottery through Arts
Council England.
ANNABELLE HOLLINGDALE | Assistant Director
Annabelle trained at The Manchester School of Theatre.
Credits as Resident Director: Spring Awakening (Hope Mill Theatre).
Credits as Assistant Director: Heathers (The Other Palace); Legacy: A
Mother’s Song (Assembly Venues).
CALLUM FINN | Production Manager
Callum is a freelance production manager who holds a BA (Hons) in
Production and Stage Management from the Royal Academy of
Dramatic Art.
Recent theatre credits include: Grandad’s Island (UK tour); Pinocchio
(UK tour); Cinderella and the Beanstalk (Theatre503); A Crag Path
Christmas (Aldeburgh Jubilee Hall); Seussical (Southwark Playhouse);
Drowned or Saved? (Tristan Bates Theatre); Daisy Pulls It Off (Park
Theatre); Hamlet (Kenneth Branagh Theatre Company, Vanbrugh
Theatre). He has also worked on the feature films All Is True (KBTC)
All In A Row.indd 11 18/02/2019 10:53
and Artemis Fowl (Disney). Previously Callum worked as Deputy Head
of Production at RADA.
JAMES-­PAUL HAYDEN | Company Stage Manager
James has been working in stage management for seventeen years,
having graduated from Rose Bruford College of Speech and Drama.
Most recently James has been the Company Stage Manager for
Nativity! The Musical (UK tours). Prior to this he was Stage Manager
for Beautiful – The Carole King Musical (Aldwych Theatre), Billy Elliot
the Musical (Victoria Palace Theatre), Top Hat the Musical (Aldwych
Theatre) and Evita (European tour). He was also the Production Stage
Manager for the UK tour of Beautiful.
Other credits include: Mary Poppins, Beauty and the Beast, Tonight’s
the Night, The League of Gentlemen, Whistle Down the Wind, Woman
in Black, Corpse!, Bombshells, and the pantomimes Dick Whittington
and Aladdin.
Following All in a Row James will be Company Stage Manager for On
Your Feet, the story of Emilio and Gloria Estefan, playing at the London
Coliseum this summer.
ZOE LEONARD | Deputy Stage Manager
Zoe trained in Theatre Production at Guildford School of Acting.
Credits include: Company Stage Manager, The Secret Garden, One
Minute, The Rise and Fall of Little Voice, The Hound of the
Baskervilles, Just So (Barn Theatre, Cirencester); Stage Manager, Silk
Road (VAULT Festival/Live Theatre, Newcastle); Assistant Stage
Manager, Jack and the Beanstalk (Salisbury Playhouse); Stage
Manager, Sarah and Duck’s Big Top Birthday (Leeds Playhouse/The
Egg, Bath); Stage Manager, Salad Days (Union Theatre/Theatre Royal
Bath); Assistant Stage Manager, Working (Southwark Playhouse).
JARRED TED PAGE | Assistant Producer
Jarred’s production credits include Chasing Bono at the Soho Theatre
and the upcoming production of Lipstick: A Fairy Tale of Iran at the
Omnibus Theatre.
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Selected credits as an actor include: Saturday Night Fever: The
Musical, Aladdin, The Twelve Tenors, Rock Around the Clock,
Patience, The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas.
PAUL VIRIDES PRODUCTIONS | Producer and
General Manager
Paul Virides Productions is a producer of theatre, especially new
writing, in London, New York and around the UK. It was formed in
2015 as Shrapnel Theatre, initially to produce the 25th London
anniversary production of Jim Cartwright’s Two, launching the Above
the Arts studio space in the West End.
Shrapnel was created by Paul with playwright Isla van Tricht, and
during 2015–17 produced four of her plays, as well as new work by
other playwrights and composers in Edinburgh and London. Following
the New York transfer of Underground in 2017, Isla left the company
to focus on her writing projects, and subsequent Shrapnel
productions include Silk Road (Trafalgar Studio 2, VAULT Festival 2018
and Live Theatre, Newcastle) and H.R.Haitch (Union Theatre).
Shrapnel became Paul Virides Productions in October 2018.
In 2018, Paul was awarded the Stage One Bursary for New
Producers, and now runs PVP ­full-­time. He has worked as a producer
of theatre and live events since 2011, where he cut his teeth running
TakeOver Festival for York Theatre Royal in summer 2012. After
leaving York, he took his first show to Edinburgh, and on returning
home to London, joined Hartshorn–Hook Productions as their
associate producer.
With Hartshorn–Hook, Paul worked on dozens of productions,
including Rotterdam (Olivier Award for Achievement in an Affiliate
Theatre – Theatre503, Trafalgar Studios, 59E59 Theaters New York
and Arts Theatre); Away from Home (national and international tour);
tribute shows to The Rat Pack and The Blues Brothers which played
in the West End, Edinburgh and the Seychelles; American Idiot (Arts
Theatre); and Richard II (House of Commons and Arcola Theatre).
Paul left Hartshorn–Hook in 2016, joining Iris Theatre as marketing
manager for their 2017 summer season of outdoor theatre at the
historic St Paul’s Church in Covent Garden, where they presented
Macbeth and Hansel & Gretel. His role continued with Xmas Factor:
All Stars that Christmas, and then H.R.Haitch, The Tempest, The
All In A Row.indd 13 18/02/2019 10:53
Three Musketeers and Arabian Nights through 2018. He left Iris in
October 2018 to focus on running PVP.
EVELYN JAMES PRODUCTIONS | Producer
Evelyn James Productions is a new theatrical production company
dedicated to promoting and supporting new and innovative theatre.
EJP was set up in 2018 by Stephen and Jonny Godbold, a father and
son team with over ten years’ experience in the industry between
them, and Sarah Jewell MBE.
Prior to EJP, Stephen produced two national tours of a musical version
of A Christmas Carol, culminating in a successful run at the Charing
Cross Theatre in London, and Jonny has worked professionally as a
performer in shows such as Top Hat, Guys and Dolls and Dirty Rotten
Scoundrels in the West End, around the UK and internationally.
EJP launched in August 2018 with Silk Road at Trafalgar Studios, a
co-production with Paul Virides Productions, and several more
productions are being planned over the coming years.
UNITED THEATRICAL | Producer
United Theatrical is a ­London-­based theatre production and
management company founded by James Yeoburn and Stuart
Matthew Price.
Current and previous credits include A Spoonful of Sherman
(international); Magic Mike Live (London’s Hippodrome Casino); Silk
Road – How to Buy Drugs Online (Trafalgar Studios and Live Theatre,
Newcastle); Beirut (Park Theatre); A Spoonful of Sherman (UK and
Ireland tour); The Addams Family (UK and Ireland tour – two
Whatsonstage Award 2018 nominations including Best Regional
Production); The Addams Family (MES Theatre, Singapore); Room
(Theatre Royal Stratford East, Dundee Rep, Abbey Theatre, Dublin),
Honeymoon in Vegas in Concert— directed and conducted by Jason
Robert Brown (London Palladium); Alan Menken, Lynn Ahren and
Mike Ockrent’s A Christmas Carol (Lyceum Theatre); State Fair
(Cadogan Hall); One of Those (Tristan Bates Theatre); Before After,
Picture Perfect (St James Theatre); Andrew Lippa in his UK debut; UK
debut of Broadway writing duo ­Kerrigan–­Lowdermilk (St James
Theatre). In 2016 United Theatrical launched the London Musical
Theatre Orchestra – an orchestra dedicated to playing the very best
All In A Row.indd 14 18/02/2019 10:53
quality musical theatre in concert in London, the UK and
internationally.
In 2018 United Theatrical launched a ­six-­figure investment fund
spanning a range of major theatre projects in the West End, London
and the wider UK, as well as internationally.
The producers would like to thank the following for their
support:
Glynis Barber; Amy Beadel; Katie Brayben, Joel Harper-Jackson, Alan
Morrissey, Dianne Pilkington, Simon-Anthony Rhoden and Teele
Uustani; David Byrne and the team at New Diorama; Jamie Chapman
Dixon and Iwan Lewis; Julie Clare; Lizzie Clay; Richard Darbourne;
Rob Ellis; Laura Elmes; Vicky Graham; Debbie Hicks; Eti Meacock;
Jacob Moore; Rochelle Parry and James Tobias; Steven Peters; Kate
Powell; Katie Sheridan; Joseph Smith, Louise Goodman, Suzie Brewis
and the whole Stage One team; Rika Virides; Bertie Watkins; and the
whole team at Jamie Wilson Productions.
All In A Row.indd 15 18/02/2019 10:53
Preface
They say write what you know – I knew I couldn’t write a play from an
autistic person’s perspective, but I could write a play that featured
autism through the eyes of other neurotypical people and through their
predicament look at the way some neurodivergent children are treated
by the system and society.
I worked with learning disabled adults and children for over ten years,
specialising in challenging behaviour, and have had the great pleasure
of meeting a number of autistic people and their families. It was a job
that challenged me, moved me and gave me a great insight into the
life of raising a disabled child. Often this is joyous but sometimes it can
be incredibly difficult; families can find themselves in positions where
they feel scared, isolated or trapped. It feels like something of a taboo
to talk so openly about the challenging behaviour that occasionally
accompanies disability in this way.
But what if it really is too hard and what if you aren’t equipped to meet
your child’s needs in your own home? It’s a difficult question but one
I’ve encountered in my work. What makes these questions even more
difficult is many of them don’t have perfect answers. Social care in the
UK may be markedly better than it was fifty years ago but we still live
in a country where residential schools, designed to help our most
vulnerable, are run as private businesses, constantly looking over their
shoulder for Ofsted. There are many parents who will be currently
dealing with this question in the UK and it’s their story I wanted to tell.
In telling their story I knew there was no way I could leave out their
son, Laurence. While in the dialogue Tamara and Martin may voice
their darkest worries and fears for Laurence I was certain that having
his presence on stage would leave the audience in no doubt about
their absolute love for him.
Laurence is one autistic character with an extremely profound learning
disability and set of behaviours including violence. He is by no means
intended to be a representative of the whole autistic spectrum and the
people within it. I’m a massive supporter of inclusivity in art: I’m
currently working on three different projects that feature learning
disabled performers, all playing characters with the same disability as
their own. I believe people with learning disabilities should be given the
chance to tell their own stories and the stories of others wherever
appropriate.
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Laurence is a character with a level of disability that would make it
impossible for him to appear in a play, especially a play like this one.
The task of portraying a non-verbal eleven-year-old with severely
challenging behaviour is something I decided to do through puppetry.
This has proved to be a controversial decision and I am saddened that
some people have taken offence.
Laurence’s character lacks agency in his own future. His fate is
decided for him by neurotypical people and in many ways he is
manipulated by the system he is within. This is one factor that
informed the choice of puppetry but not the primary one.
I’ve always loved puppetry – the way talented artists can observe life
and distil it into an essence that captures the heart of a human being
can often be breathtaking and illuminating. It’s this spirit I wanted to
bring to Laurence, to create a portrayal that does justice to his
incredibly unique personality while still keeping a respectful distance. I
went to university with Siân Kidd and admire her skill in puppet design.
She’s worked with some of the best puppet companies and she has
also worked for years with disabled people. The minute Siân heard
about the puppet idea she was convinced that this was an effective
way to portray Laurence and began firing ideas. Different materials
and practices, all heavily influenced by two years of research and
development and years in the field of autism, all came together to
build Laurence. During this process we included autistic people and
parents of people with a similar level of autism to Laurence, and they
all felt that the puppet was effective. We also have two autistic
members of the team directly responsible for the characterisation of
Laurence.
This is the second full play Dominic Shaw and I have created, and it’s
definitely the largest. I’m incredibly humbled to see the amount of
enthusiasm that everybody who has come on board is bringing to this
project. It seems that autism and disability are something that most
people to some degree have experience of but not many people know
about the extremes and difficulties. I hope this play can add to the
conversation about the parenting of a severely autistic child.
Alex Oates
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All In A Row.indd 18 18/02/2019 10:53
All in a Row
For Sahm
All In A Row.indd 1 18/02/2019 10:53
Characters
Tamora, a feisty thirty-six-year-old mother
Martin, a childish thirty-five-year-old father
Gary, a well-built twenty-year-old carer
Laurence, an eleven-year-old autistic boy puppet
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Scene One
A living room in a modern flat. There is a big flat-screen TV upstage.
Gary enters with Laurence. Laurence is a puppet of an elevenyear-old
autistic boy. Laurence jumps on to the sofa and starts
bouncing; he makes shrieking happy sounds.
Gary  Down. Laurence. Get down.
Laurence and Gary play for a little while; Laurence is super
happy. Laurence leads Gary to the fridge and takes out a pizza.
Gary  Pizza! Smart asking, you are so good. But can you
remember, we already had two pizzas!
He puts the pizza back in the fridge.
How about we play with your Scrabble?
Laurence opens the fridge again and Gary shuts it laughing.
Gary  Ok! Who wants a piggy back? Yeah, piggy back!
Laurence excitably climbs on Gary’s back or shoulders and they
run around the flat a bit. Gary puts Laurence down after a while.
Laurence heads straight back to the fridge.
Gary  Ok, yeah, look I want to show you something.
He grabs a piece of paper and a marker pen and writes down a
message for Laurence.
Gary  See we have had dinner, pizza was dinner, Now it’s
choosing, next bath, then bed. Yes. Choosing. No. Not pizza.
Tense moment when Laurence could head back to the fridge but
instead leads Gary to the TV.
Gary  Good boy! Well done!
Laurence hands an iPad to Gary.
Gary  I know. Film. Can you say film? Laurence?
Film. ­Fi-­lm?
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4  All in a Row
Laurence shows no interest in speaking and pushes the iPad
towards Gary.
Gary  Ok. Ok. One day.
He turns on the iPad and Finding Nemo begins to play.
Laurence is ecstatic, jumping around before settling to watch it
with Gary. At first the volume is way too loud.
Gary  Too loud. Too loud.
Volume reduces.
Good boy. Well done.
Scene Two
Martin is in the space, lost in thought of what he’d like to say to
Tamora if he had the courage.
Martin  We’re in Richmond Park and he’s running ahead
of me. I say running. He’s jumping, going for it. Jumping.
I’m keeping up because you know. I don’t want. He can be.
And his teeth are.
Well, I’m keeping up and I’m thinking about imprints. One
of those fucking theories that you’d have read. Imprints. I’m
thinking as I’m running after him. About imprints.
Tamora is giving a presentation to a group of young women at a
technology college. She has a veneer of over-enthusiastic happiness
but she’s actually distracted with thoughts of Laurence.
Tamora  I was in a different country to him, my husband.
Although at the time he wasn’t my husband. He was a
potential husband, a glimmer of a husband, a hope, a lottery
ticket of a husband.
He was working in Scotland. Away from home, from me and
I thought about him. Often. This was before we could all
Skype or Facetime on our phones. Of course I could call him
if I wanted to but I didn’t particularly want to speak to him.
I just wanted to feel his presence, I suppose, to be connected
to another human being. To feel less alone.
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Scene Two  5
Martin  I’m scanning the park. What if those imprints we
leave in time. Are like OHP paper. Every day another
transparent sheet of plastic on top of the other still existing
as like a memory of the place in a time frame or something. I
don’t know I’m not a scientist but if I could just peel back a
few years’ worth of sheets. Eleven years worth of sheets.
Maybe. In the park, if a gust of wind just blew them away.
(Beat.) And he’s bouncing now. And I see all of them out in
the park. Every trigger. Ray Ban clad dentists walking
designer dogs with perfect children following like ducks on a
string. My stomach turns. I try to pity them. I try. But if I
could remove just a few sheets, an inch of clear film to when
you and I walked through this park. Not even to go back in
time. Just to see you and to see me and to see that naive
fucking hope. (Beat.) He keeps jumping.
Tamora  That’s when I had the light bulb. What if I could
hear, or see his heart beating? Just to know, he’s there. This
was the genesis of Heart2Heart. (Pause.) My baby. One of my
babies, I have a son, but it many ways, this is my brain child,
my prodigal. I’m gonna show you it now and I want to hear
the excitement.
She clicks the remote for her PowerPoint and an image of the
Heart2Heart prototype appears on screen.
This is the Heart2Heart mark 3. When I received my first
investment straight out of uni, which was . . . a hundred
grand from a government enterprise scheme, I assumed it
would be easy and we’d have it on the shelves by Christmas
of that year. Ten years later, three more grants, twelve very
patient angel investors, two less patient investors, one
lawsuit, one company liquidation, five trips to Beijing, one
entrepreneur of the year award, two road-tested prototypes.
The dawn of 3G, the bloody invention of 4G and God knows
how many bottles of wine, here we are. Almost ready to
launch.
Martin  And he stops jumping, he has seen one of those,
em, families. With a girl, I dunno maybe eight or so, she’s
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6  All in a Row
definitely younger and by God is she smaller. She has a, like
a hoop, it’s a hula hoop she’s playing with and he bounces.
Now at this point I’d normally notice and redirect him but
I’m still looking at the fountain you see, thinking of your
bent elbow as you supported yourself when I nervously
stooped my lips towards you. Imprinted. First of all this girl
screams, puts up a fight as he’s trying cleave the hoop from
her hand. He’s making the noise. You know. The warning
siren, I know he will bite. Soon.
Tamora  So you’re in a long-distance relationship, put the
little sensor on your finger, just looks like a ring.
Martin  I sprint over and the parents of the little girl. At
first looks of sympathy and understanding of what our boy
is, the aww bless him, life must be so hard, let him have it,
darling, he’s one of those. They change when they see what
he’s going to do, when he bares his teeth. They change. Get
this fucking animal away from my precious offspring.
Tamora  Next you have the vibrating, glowing receiver, you
can put it in your pocket or on a necklace, wear it on a band
on your arm if you literally want to wear his heart on your
sleeve.
Martin  Just as he is sinking his teeth into her arm I jump
in and get him in a kind of a headlock. He opens his mouth,
and I see her arm. I thank God he didn’t break the skin. Or
a bone, her arm is so tiny, so fragile, her skin, like wet papier
mache, is beginning to rouge.
Tamora  The idea is it picks up his heart beat and using wifi
connection or 4G it electronically beams it to you and the
little totem vibrates and glows softly in time with his and vice
versa, so you can feel each other.
Martin  He’s screaming at me. Her father. The political
correct shine of pity long gone. Where he might have once
bought himself a smug feeling of charity now all there is, is
anger. Paternal rage. And I can’t help but smile, and love it,
and wish it was me sinking my teeth into that little girl’s arm,
to get one over on this smug bastard.
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Scene Two  7
Tamora  I know what you’re thinking, Fitbit, Apple watch,
they all do heart beat, but it’s not the same, they’re multifunctional,
this product is designed to be solely based
around human connection
Martin  Then our boy turns on me, unhappy with all the
shouting, the order of the park falling apart and he doesn’t
hold back with me, as you know, biting and screaming.
People are starting to notice, I kind of get him on the floor
and hold him down. Press his arms by his side. The kind of
restraint they call child abuse, the only kind that stops him
biting you. People are crowding around. A policeman walks
over.
Tamora  It’s a relatively simple idea, but it has snowballed.
Martin  I say that I’m very sorry. I’m his dad, he’s autistic,
he’s upset, he’ll calm down in a minute, he needs peace. I
look like a kidnapper, a grown man holding a child to the
ground, pressing his biting mouth onto the earth. But they
believe me. They walk away and it’s me and him on the floor
and I release him and the adrenaline goes and he shits
himself. I can see the low in fibre shit forming a kidney
shape in his pants. I look around and everyone else has gone
back to pity. Fine.
Tamora  Without actually releasing the product I’ve
managed to sustain myself and my company for a decade.
Martin  I walk him home, ruffle his hair, stick him in the
shower, hose him down. I put him to bed.
Tamora  This prototype and business model has cost more
than many people earn in a lifetime.
Martin  It was about a week after that I started shitting on
your pillows.
Tamora  Would I go back and do it all again? I honestly
don’t know. That’s the great thing about being young, you
don’t have to. Wisdom’s nothing more than life’s consolation
prize.
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Martin  Actually I started pissing on your books. In the
battery port of your iPad. Your make-up table. Why? A break
from playing Xbox? Because I could. Because if you can’t
beat ’em join ’em. It feels good. I can see why he does it. It’s
like a drug. I craft the grass stains on your cushions, I graffiti
with your eyeliner on your bedroom walls. I start fires with
the toastie machine. Turn your hair straighteners on when
you’re out. Smash your mirrors. I started biting myself. To
see how it feels. Biting. I’d often wondered, is it as easy as
biting through steak? Not really no, but you feel a juicy burst
when the skin goes.
Tamora  What I’d say to you is, forget the glass ceiling,
it’s only there if you believe it exists, and I refuse to believe
it exists.
Martin  But I didn’t do it. There is no way I would have
ever have done it. I love him too much to risk losing him.
Every bite. Every sticky wet wipe. I love him and I wouldn’t
lose him.
Tamora  Thank you.
Scene Three
Martin enters the living room and busies himself; he’s bored and
wants to make conversation with Gary.
Martin  You know the words.
Gary Yes.
Martin  When you‘re unemployed tomorrow you’ll be able
to add it to your CV.
Gary  It’s an invaluable skill.
Martin  A CRB check, a driving licence and an ability to
recite the whole of Finding Nemo.
Gary And Cars.
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Scene Three  9
Martin And Cars.
Gary  I miss Pocahontas
Martin  We all miss Pocahontas.
Gary  Still, it gets easier day by day.
Martin  If only he’d watch more films with fuckable
cartoons, ay?
Gary  I suppose.
Martin  I mean it. Maybe when he hits puberty.
Gary  One can hope.
Laurence gets up and takes Martin to the fridge.
Martin  Cheeky monkey! I bet you’ve already had dinner.
Gary  And seconds
Martin  You cheeky monster! Look, oh it’s Nemo!
(Laurence sits down again.) There’s a market for Disney porn
you know. Twisted stuff.
Gary (politely changing subject)  He’s looking tired.
Martin  Beauty sucking off the beast. Not saying I’m into it.
I don’t go there, Gary, just saying there’s a market.
Gary  There’s a market for everything these days.
Martin  Snow White, the thing about those Seven Dwarfs is
they have normal-sized cocks.
Gary  He’s had a pizza but I think he wants more.
Martin  It’s like a bukake party with those dwarfs, Gary,
bukkake! Do you know bukkake, mate?
Gary  I’d rather not.
Martin  One Snow White, Seven Dwarfs all jizzing on her
face. They should rename her ‘Off White’, really. Not saying
I’m into it but when you see it you have to click, right? Send
it round your mates.
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10  All in a Row
Gary Right.
Martin  You have to click.
Gary  Right. I suppose.
Martin  Tam thinks you did it.
Gary What?
Martin  Tam thinks you did it, she wouldn’t say it, too polite
to say it, but she believes you’re the one who did it.
Gary  Did what?
Martin  Made the call, Gary.
Gary  Which –
Martin  Oh don’t bullshit a bullshitter. The call. Social
services, the call.
Gary  It wasn’t me, mate. Honestly, not me, why would I
want to?
Martin  It’s not that she blames you, you are an employee,
you have to follow procedure. If you see bruises.
Gary  Honestly, mate, got the wrong guy.
Martin  Cover your bases, make a call, anyone would do it.
You have to protect yourself.
Gary  I didn’t . . .
Martin  Or else it could turn on you. You don’t want to look
like a child abuser. They have a safeguarding policy for a
reason, son.
Gary  I understand the policy just I didn’t make the . . .
Martin  In this climate as well, even the sniff of abuse and
you’re scum, you’ll have Iceland shoppers smearing badly
spelled insults on your front door. Getting petitions to have
you relocated.
Gary Marty!
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Scene Three  11
Martin  Putting dead little animals through your letter box.
Excrement. That’s why we have to report these things,
anyone would understand your motivation.
Gary  It wasn’t me. I wouldn’t want to put myself out
of a job.
Martin  Of course I know that Gary, that’s what I said to
Tam. I said Gary, he has a car to insure and a flat, a cat right?
Gary Yeah.
Martin  You wouldn’t want to lose this gig with Laurence.
You understand that bruises are normal with a kid who
turns into a pitbull when he doesn’t get an extra pizza.
Gary Yeah.
Martin  And you make certain allowances – some of the
bruises are probably caused by you too so you wouldn’t have
called social services. That’s what I said. She’s just stressed
mate. It’s stress.
Gary  It’s understandable.
Martin  Exactly. Understandable. He’s been ok though?
Gary  He’s been fine. Great.
Martin  Great. (Beat.) And your cat?
Gary  Yeah fine too.
Martin  Excellent. Love cats. Love ’em. It was one of her
theories actually. Cats. That they could help him. Cure him.
Well, actually no, the first theory was that they caused it,
caused him to have it, you know, through toxoplasmosis.
After that though. Then it was maybe they could help.
Gary  Is it the poo thing? Toxo – what was it?
Martin  Plasmosis, parasite that lives in cat shit, you breathe
it in, makes you like cats.
Gary  Is that real?
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12  All in a Row
Martin  Yeah, creates little holes in your brain, lives there,
breeds there. Not only that, it makes you more likely to take
risks. There are scientific studies.
Gary  Nature terrifies me. That’s fucked-up.
Martin  Makes sense though if you think about it. We all
have our own adaptive strategy. It’s like life. Like business.
Makes sense. The parasite. Tiny. Wants to survive so it starts
off tiny, gets into the mouse, makes the mouse more risky,
and it does, scientific studies.
Gary  Right, yeah?
Martin  Cat eats mouse, yeah, parasite now lives in cat.
Gary  We don’t eat cats.
Martin  That’s why it comes out in the shit – it’s tiny so we
change the litter box or touch the cat’s arse and it gets into
our mouth.
Gary  Hey presto.
Martin  Good business model. Mouse to cat to human.
Without having to actually do anything. Like Tam really, she
hasn’t actually made anything solid. She plays business
woman of the year very well but really she hasn’t sold a
single unit, has she?
Gary  I mean I don’t really know.
Martin  Not anything. Just develops the idea, and gets
grants, flogs the idea to stupid people. Angel investors? Idiot
investors. She lays her little eggs of greed. Sometimes she
does earn money for motivational speaking, that’s ironic.
She stands in front of kiddies and lays little eggs of hope.
Little shitty parasites.
Laurence is starting to become unsettled; he stands up and
walks about.
Martin  Did he just have the one pizza?
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Scene Three  13
Gary  Two pizzas.
Martin  Enough. Laurence. You ate enough. ­E-­nough.
Full-up. Do you understand?
Gary  Oh he understands, whether that’s enough.
Laurence makes a Makaton sign.
Gary  That’s cake.
Martin  I know that’s cake. Do we have any?
Gary  No. No cake.
Martin  No cake, Larry, no cake, you’ve had enough. Good
boy. Sit down. Down. Good boy,
Laurence jumps up and down, beginning to get upset.
Gary  He wants the –
Martin  The pink Mr Kiplings, I know. Doesn’t even eat
them. Puts them in a line.
Laurence starts to make a sound that means he is getting really
upset, it’s like a warning siren. Martin takes out a cookery book.
Martin  Daddy make you? Jesus it’s wet – has he pissed on
these books again? Cake?
Laurence throws the book back at him; he’s still making the
noise and bouncing about. Martin and Gary are becoming
increasingly tense.
Gary  It’s the Mr Kipling.
Martin  He’s gonna blow. Mr fucking Kipling, they’re
barely edible. Come on, Larry!
Laurence turns it up a notch.
Gary  Time out. Down. Larry. Time out. Stop it now.
Naughty. Naughty.
Martin  For fuck’s sake.
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14  All in a Row
Laurence screams and goes for Martin, trying to bite, scratch and
pull hair. Gary gets in between them and pulls Laurence away.
They tussle in the living room for minutes until Gary manages to get
him on the sofa with a cushion holding him down. Martin watches
in despair.
Martin  Thanks, mate.
Gary  Are you ok? Did he get you?
Martin  No he didn’t. Fucking fondant fancies! Why’s
it me?
Gary  It’s not personal, he just rages.
Martin  He’s my kid, not the fucking Incredible Hulk. For
fuck’s sake. It’s Tam. Indulged him. When he was smaller
you could, it was cute. Now he’s a machine.
Gary  Good boy. Calm. Calm. Waiting.
Martin  He stopped?
Gary  Yeah. He’s calmer.
Martin  Fuck’s sake, not tonight, Larry, fuck’s sake.
Gary  He’s ok. Good boy,
Martin  I’ll text Tam, tell her to swing by the shop and get
some Mr Kipling.
Sound of a door opening.
Or not. She will be unbearable. Tonight. You’ve been
warned.
Tamora enters with a bag full of wine and a takeaway pizza.
Tamora  How are we? How’s the little man?
Gary  He just had a bit of a incident.
Tamora  Did he get you?
Gary No.
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Scene Three  15
Tamora  Lovely, I don’t mind him biting us.
Laurence takes Tamora to the fridge; the guys look on nervously.
Tamora  Pizza! Good asking! We can do better than that!
She takes a takeaway pizza box from her bag. Martin and Gary roll
their eyes at each other. Laurence is super happy now and jumping
about.
Martin  Yeah! Is Mummy giving you a pizza! Is Mummy
breaking the rules! Is she? Is she?
Tamora  It’s his last . . . it’s tonight isn’t it.
Martin  Mummy spoiling you, yes she is. Is Mummy on the
wine already? Yes she is, yes she is.
Tamora  Half now and half in twenty minutes. Mummy will
set a timer. Gary, do you have the iPad?
Gary  I’ll set a timer. Plate. Larry. Plate.
Laurence puts half the pizza on a plate and eats it.
Tamora  Thanks. How are you, Gary?
Gary  Fine, thanks. All good.
Tamora  I’m so pleased.
Martin  How are you, darling?
Tamora  You know. Ticking along. Good day? Xbox was it?
Martin  Helping with Laurence actually.
Tamora Great. Nemo is it?
Gary  Third time today.
Tamora  I do miss Beauty and the Beast.
Martin Really?
Tamora  What was it? Pizza?
Gary Cake.
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16  All in a Row
Tamora  Those awful pink things. Gary, could you get him
to eat in the other room?
Gary  Sure, Larry, should we go and eat in the play room,
come on.
Martin  Fucking Mr Kipling, oh if I could only go back in
time – no Mr Kipling, they’re not exceedingly good, try coal
mining.
Tamora  Busy day today.
Martin  I bet he was northern – ey up Kipling, lad, those
cakes. Below par, son.
Tamora  A technology college for girls. You’d have liked it.
All those teenage . . .
Martin  And what kind of colour is pink for a cake, son. By
gum no.
Tamora  You’d have liked it.
Martin  I imagine I would have. Inspiring was it?
Tamora  It was my usual.
Martin  But you were inspiring today yes? Not talking
about technology no? You did say technology college?
Tamora  So you do listen.
Martin  Some times. On rare occasions. It has been known
to happen. And did the little faces glow with enthusiasm like
a percolating lava lamp?
Tamora  I was quite distracted.
Martin  Did they think, one day I can be like the lady up
there, if I try hard.
Tamora  All I could do not to cry.
Martin  One day I too can spend ten years making a
prototype.
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Scene Three  17
Tamora  I’ve been like this for the last few weeks. Better to
get it over with. Better to be done. Rip off the plaster. It’s
time. Right.
Martin Time.
Tamora  Is he packed?
Martin Sorry?
Tamora  His bags, I packed them once but he keeps taking
the clothes out. Is he ready and packed?
Martin  I don’t know. You could ask Gary who is paid
to work with him and is politely pretending he can’t hear
our snipes.
Tamora  Gary, is he . . .
Gary  He’s packed, Tam. I put all his stuff in a case while he
had a nap, left the hard Play-Doh. Didn’t think he’d want it.
Tamora  No, good. Thank you.
Gary  Read him the social story but maybe we should go
over it again.
Tamora  Social story. Of course. I’m sure it will help, he’s
bright you know. He is bright. I’ll be right back. Must plug
my phone in.
She exits.
Martin  I warned you. God help me after tomorrow. When
it’s just the two of us. Eleven years it’s been, never the two of
us. Can I pay you to keep coming? Pay you to just sit there
and watch Finding Nemo so she has to maintain a basic
pretence of kindness?
Gary  I don’t think Tam would go for that.
Martin  No. I don’t suppose. Have you seen the brochure?
Gary For?
Martin  Ridgemount. Have you seen it?
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18  All in a Row
Gary  The horses.
Martin  I don’t buy it. What are they selling?
Gary  It looks nice.
Martin  Exactly. Too nice. What kind of school has a
brochure. I’m not buying a timeshare. I’m not looking to go
to Center Parcs.
Gary  It looks nice.
Martin  Do you really think that?
Gary  It’s not really my place to . . .
Martin  Do you think this is a good idea?
Gary  I . . . dunno
Martin  Oh come on, we’re mates! We are mates!
Gary  Well, he’s gonna grow isn’t he. Residential schools
are full of kids and . . .
Martin What?
Gary  If he keeps biting people.
Martin  Then? Spit it out.
Gary  There’s no perfect answer.
Martin  You don’t think it’ll work?
Gary  It’s worth a try.
Martin  Sure. But you don’t think . . .
Gary  I think it’s worth exploring.
Martin  But you don’t think it’ll work?
Gary  I have mates who work in places like that and
it’s tricky.
Martin Tricky?
Gary  They have to comply to all these regulations we don’t.
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Scene Three  19
Martin Restraining?
Gary  Right, it’s not easy to get him into a proper hold is it?
Martin  They can just put him in his room.
Gary  You’re not allowed to hold the door.
Martin  So what?
Gary  I just think it’s tricky.
Martin  I said this.
Gary  I’m not saying he shouldn’t go.
Martin  I fucking said this.
Gary  I’m just saying it’s tricky.
Martin  What, you think he’ll be expelled? Sectioned?
Gary  It’s not out of the question.
Martin Sectioned?
Gary  . . . (Gestures to mean ‘Yeah’.)
Martin  What does it even mean? Sectioned?
Gary  It’s not that bad.
Martin No?
Gary  No, it’s like, like a psychiatric hospital.
Martin Great.
Gary  They, keep you in there.
Martin Drugged?
Gary  Sometimes sedated yeah and then bring you out of it
to try new medications.
Martin  It’s fucking sick.
Gary  They let you out when you stop biting.
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20  All in a Row
Martin  When you stop thinking, when you stop being you.
How long can you be sectioned?
Gary  I dunno.
Martin  You do know.
Gary Honestly.
Martin  Alright what did your mate say.
Gary  Well, it varies doesn’t it.
Martin  Come on, Gary!
Gary  Anywhere from months to years. (Pause.) It might not
happen, it probably won’t.
Martin  He’s getting bigger.
Gary  Yeah but the school could be great.
Martin  Fuck’s sake.
Gary  I don’t know. There’s no perfect answer.
Martin  Then what?
Tamora (offstage)  Oh God, not again, Laurence, my
fucking pillow.
Martin barely contains his grin.
Gary  Oh God he hasn’t, I’ve been watching him all day, he
must have done it when I was at the toilet. Bollocks. Will she
kill me?
Martin  She won’t be best pleased. It’s not your fault
though. She won’t.
Tamora ­re-­enters.
Tamora  You little bloody monster. I won’t miss this.
Gary  Tam . . .
Tamora  Third time this week.
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Scene Three  21
Gary  I’m so sorry.
Tamora (trying to convince herself)  No, I won’t miss this.
Gary  I didn’t think I left him alone.
Tamora  It’s not your fault.
Gary  If you want to take the dry cleaning out of my wages.
Tamora  What, don’t be daft. It’s just. Today.
Gary Yeah.
Tamora  In some ways it’s fitting. A going-away present.
You have to laugh don’t you.
Gary  I suppose.
Tamora  Reminding me there are things I won’t miss.
That’s the key. Isn’t that awful. Can a mother say that?
Martin  Was it your good pillows, love?
Tamora  The goose feathers, yeah.
Martin  They’re a bastard to clean.
Tamora  It’s like he knows!
Martin opens a beer.
Martin  Can I get you a beer, Gary?
Gary  I shouldn’t really, I’m at work.
Martin  Go on, it’s your last night.
Tamora  He’s responsible for Laurence.
Gary  Thanks all the same.
Laurence is starting to shift about, making noises.
Tamora  He looks tetchy, is he? Tetchy?
Martin  It’s the cake.
All In A Row.indd 21 18/02/2019 10:53
22  All in a Row
Tamora  He could have an upset stomach. Has he got a
temperature? All that wheat, it’s not good for him.
Gary  I got him to eat some melon.
Tamora  You did! Good boy! Who’s a good boy, eating
melon for Gary. How did you do it?
Martin  I’ll get cake. Won’t be a minute.
Tamora  Thanks darling.
Martin leaves. Tamora opens a bottle of wine and pours herself a
large glass.
Tamora  How did you do it?
Gary  Shapes. First I made squares and he played with
them, put them in a line according to the size. Then. Balls,
used your truffle scoop. He loved it.
Tamora  Genius. You’re a marvel, that’s genius. Melon. Ha.
What next? We could try him with apple.
Gary  We should have.
Tamora (remembering)  Yes, maybe they will try him with
apple. I’ll tell them.
Gary  Good day?
Tamora  You know. Long.
Gary  I heard the prototype arrived. Sounds really great.
Tamora Really?
Gary  Yeah, very promising.
Tamora  It looks like three batteries gaffer taped to a
vibrator, but it won’t when it’s finished.
Gary  Impressive all the same.
Tamora  Thanks, still a work in progress I guess. It’s
coming along. How are you?
All In A Row.indd 22 18/02/2019 10:53
Scene Three  23
Gary  Yes. Great.
Tamora  And the cat?
Gary  Cat’s good.
Tamora Excellent.
Gary  Tam. I just wanted to say. Before we . . .
Tamora  I dropped by the school on the way home.
Gary Yeah?
Tamora  A governors’ meeting. I was thinking, I wonder
. . . I know right, me at a governors’ meeting, but I’m a
major donor for the school and frankly I think they let
anyone join.
Gary  The governors?
Tamora  Yes, some of the parents, shocking. I was there and
you know what I’m thinking, I’m wondering if they revoke
your special parent card.
Gary  Special parent card?
Tamora  Well, not actually a card but the parents of the kids
with special needs all flock together as it were, it’s
depressing. Instead of talking about how our kids passed a
piano grade we congratulate each other on children walking
to the shops alone or moving an eye to the left.
Gary  Everything’s relative.
Tamora  But I worry. I think. Do they ever? Look down on
you. Couldn’t cope, you know?
Gary  I really don’t think they’re like that.
Tamora  I just get so frustrated thinking that maybe . . .
Take Gemma, I mean . . . it’s hard, sure, you need to get that
wheelchair in the car using the bloody lift thing and change
her and wash her and feed her. It’s hard. But . . . she can’t
eat actual food, can she? So at least you can control that.
All In A Row.indd 23 18/02/2019 10:53
24  All in a Row
Let’s be honest, she can’t move fast can she? Gemma’s mum,
is she thinking, ‘That mother, she can’t look after her own’. I
mean does she understand? I could do Gemma, if Laurence
was Gemma, God forbid, but if he was Gemma I could do
that, I could wheel him about, I’m confident in that. I don’t
know. You’ve gotta laugh.
Gary  Yes. I saw the photo book they made him at school.
Tamora  Isn’t it wonderful?
Gary  It’s very touching. He’s so happy in all of them.
Tamora  Did he like that? Does he recognise people? I
wonder about that. If I Skype him. Would he be able to
recognise me, or would he bat the iPad away? Stare blankly
like I’m a Space Invader or a Tetris piece.
Gary  He did seem to.
Tamora  At least he didn’t piss on it.
Gary  Before he leaves. I just wanted to say.
Tamora  Right. You don’t have to . . .
Gary  You are a great mum and I know it’s hard.
Tamora  That’s sweet, thank you.
Gary  And I know how much you love him and fight for
him. (Beat.) What I’m trying to say is it wasn’t me. I know
there’s procedure, I know. But my loyalty is with you guys
and I’d never have dropped you in it.
Tamora  I don’t doubt that.
Gary  Good. As long as you know.
Tamora  I don’t want to know who told them. Someone did.
It happened. Done.
Gary Yeah.
Tamora Exactly.
Gary  Probably the school.
All In A Row.indd 24 18/02/2019 10:53
Scene Three  25
Tamora  It’s done now. It’d have happened anyway
wouldn’t it? We’d have realised it had to happen. Oh God,
it’s just I keep having pangs of empty nest. Can I get you a
wine?
Gary  Well, am I not responsible for?
Tamora  Oh, Martin’s right, it’s your last day.
She pours Gary a glass of wine.
Tamora  Sometimes I think I should just get him drunk,
then he’d at least be sleepy.
Gary  That’s one way.
Tamora  God, don’t tell anyone I said that. It’s just, well,
you know. Sometimes we’d all like an easy way out. When
they interviewed you what did they actually ask? Was it
with two police?
Gary  Yeah it was two police – basically they just invited
me in.
Tamora  To the station was it?
Gary  Yeah, they put me in an interview room.
Tamora  I’m sorry you had to.
Gary  I don’t mind, I’d rather he’s safe you know.
Tamora  Of course, as would we all but you’re not a
criminal.
Gary  I know that, as did they. They just showed me the
photos of his bruises, I mean I’d seen them anyway, asked
if I knew where they came from. It’s like they didn’t quite
get it.
Tamora  Thank you!
Gary  I mean he’s strong, when you’re holding him, and
he’s fighting sometimes, bruises. He’s going to get bruises.
It’s nothing compared to the bite marks you have on your
arms.
All In A Row.indd 25 18/02/2019 10:53
26  All in a Row
Tamora  Hard to make that case though.
Gary  You know when I was young I was always out
scraping my knee.
Tamora  Exactly right – did they order a review?
Gary  Of course not.
Tamora  An eleven-year-old has a few bruises, let’s have an
investigation, a police report, a social worker report, mark
the family out of five in eight separate categories and
determine his future.
Gary  It doesn’t really seem fair.
Tamora  How would your mum take it do you think? Points
out of forty to decide if you were safe at home.
Gary  My mum would flip.
Tamora  Right, it’s crazy. Have you seen the categories
they’re assessed on? Warmth of family bond. Fucking
warmth.
Gary  It’s mad isn’t it.
Tamora  Two out of five, I’m warm right? I’m practically
fizzing with maternal pride. I donate thousands of pounds to
the special kids, I go to coffee mornings with the special
mums. I’m every fucking special woman, they’re all in me.
Two out of five.
Gary  The identity, that is an insult.
Tamora  Oh the identity, one out of five, because he doesn’t
have a specified religion. Excuse me if I won’t sign up to
some regime so you can categorise my child. He is fully
aware of his identity as a member of the congregation of
Pixar and Disney, he is a fully paid up member of the
arranging objects into straight lines society. Chairman of the
smooshing pizza into carpet and vice president of shitting on
pillows covenant. Identity. Sorry.
All In A Row.indd 26 18/02/2019 10:53
Scene Three  27
Gary  It is a bit ridiculous.
Tamora  You must be sick of hearing this.
Gary  Not at all.
Tamora  Sometimes I need to vent. I’m warm, I’m fucking
flushing.
Gary  I feel it, Tam, I know you’re warm.
Tamora  Thanks, Gary.
Gary  It’s only because he can’t speak.
Tamora  Sometimes I think he can, he just chooses not to.
Gary  I wish he could.
Tamora  Don’t, I have these recurring dreams where he
just comes into my room one morning and speaks. No
shitting on my bed, no biting, no demanding pizza, he
just talks.
Gary  Would be amazing.
Tamora  Weirdest thing, in this dream, he has an accent.
Speaks like a 1960s news reader, RP accent and just starts
performing Keats.
Gary Poems?
Tamora  ‘Ode to a Nightingale’, every time. Without fail.
Gary  That is great. Well, you never know.
Tamora What?
Gary  You never know, I read this article the other day . . .
Tamora  Get him a cat, get him a horse, get him an iPad,
take him to Lourdes. Got those T-shirts. Lourdes! Of all the
crap not to believe in. Still, what we do, ay. What we do.
Gary  They just asked if I knew where the bruises came
from. I said no, I said could be anywhere. I said I don’t
believe that anyone in Laurence’s circle of support would
ever hurt a hair on his head. Intentionally.
All In A Row.indd 27 18/02/2019 10:53
28  All in a Row
Tamora  Thanks. It means a lot.
Gary Anytime.
Tamora  I just need to forget about it.
Gary  Did you really take him to Lourdes?
Tamora  We had a Catholic ­baby­sitter who suggested it,
ridiculous isn’t it.
Gary  What was it like?
Tamora  Hell, ironically, hot, humid caves with crutches
hanging from the roof like jagged teeth in Satan’s yawning
mouth.
Gary  I heard it actually has a good clubbing scene.
Tamora  Lots of bingo nights, I recall – it’s like Butlins but
with even more Irish.
Gary  See any miracles?
Tamora  I had a bowl of Shreddies that made a shape the
double of Graham Norton, no miracles no.
The pizza timer goes off. Laurence jumps up excitably; he tries to
take the box.
Gary  Get a plate
Tamora  You’re so good with him.
Gary Plate.
Tamora  You don’t mind about the pizza?
Gary  Course not. Just, he needs to eat off a plate.
Tamora  We’re going to miss you.
Gary  Here we go, buddy.
Laurence excitedly rushes off with the pizza.
Tamora  How about your love life? Any more settled?
All In A Row.indd 28 18/02/2019 10:53
Scene Three  29
Gary  You know, all over the place.
Tamora  Tell me.
Gary  It’s nothing too exciting.
Tamora  Please. I need to be reminded excitement still
exists beyond the rush of fear when he attacks me.
She tops up his wine.
Gary  You really want to know?
Tamora  I’m a captive audience.
Gary  I’ve been using apps.
Tamora Really?
Gary  Yes, okcupid is alright.
She is gaining in excitement. She gets a vicarious thrill from hearing
him talk about it.
Tamora  And what, you just message girls? How many?
Gary  Hundreds, fishing really. But if you look at a success
rate of about 10 per cent then if you message one hundred
girls that’s ten dates, isn’t it?
Tamora  That’s quite amazing. Well, good on you.
Seriously. Is it for you know . . . Mainly.
Gary  I’m looking for something a bit more meaningful.
Tamora  Sure, but you must find, that women on there, are
casual. A lot of them. Are they?
Gary  Well, obviously some are looking for no strings.
Tamora  And do you carpe that diem?
Gary Sorry?
Tamora  I mean do you take the bait? No strings – I mean
you’re young.
Gary  I’d like a relationship.
All In A Row.indd 29 18/02/2019 10:53
30  All in a Row
Tamora  It must be thrilling
Gary  I’d like to find the one.
Tamora  Of course. Well, that’s sensible, you’re sensible.
Well done.
Gary  I think he needs the toilet.
Tamora  Right. Yeah of course. Take him. Good boy,
Laurence.
Gary heads over to Laurence and makes the Makaton symbol for
toilet; he leads him offstage. Tamora is mortified with herself and
downs the glass of wine; she fills it up again.
She walks over to the social story on the table and opens it. She
quickly decides she can’t read it and puts it back on the table.
Martin returns with fondant fancies and a six pack of beer. There is
an awkward silence as he decides where to put himself.
Tamora  You’re particularly pungent tonight, dear.
Martin smells his shirt.
Martin  Do you blame me?
Tamora  Why should today be different.
Martin  Don’t start.
Tamora  Do you have to get stoned to be in the same room
as me?
Martin  With my question deflector shield I bounce it right
back at you except I replace the word stoned with drunk.
Tamora  Very cute.
Martin  Shield claims a victory. The crowd roars.
Tamora  It won’t make it easier.
Martin  Deploy cloak of substance abuse, open inventory of
denial-based tools.
All In A Row.indd 30 18/02/2019 10:53
Scene Three  31
Tamora  There you go. Were you always like this?
Martin  I imagine so – my face may be a little fuller now.
Fondant fancy? I hear they’re exceedingly good.
Tamora  I hate the things.
Martin  Of course you do
Tamora  It’s the . . .
Martin  The food colouring?
Tamora  The E numbers, hideous.
Martin  Well, thank God he doesn’t eat them.
Tamora Exactly.
Martin  If they heard at school. We’d fed him E numbers,
they’d call an investigation, have him taken off us.
Tamora  That’s not funny.
Martin  I’m surprised they left him here tonight.
Tamora Don’t.
Martin  If we’re not fit parents.
Tamora  We are fit parents.
Martin  If he needs ‘more care than we can provide and a
constant support structure’.
Tamora  We are fit parents.
Martin  I’m surprised they left him here.
They have nothing to say to each other; they mill about for a moment.
She gestures towards the social story.
Tamora  Have you seen this?
Martin  Cruel isn’t it?
Tamora  That’s what I thought. Like some slow torture.
Martin  Have you read it?
All In A Row.indd 31 18/02/2019 10:53
32  All in a Row
Tamora  I couldn’t.
Martin  Really? It’s in very simple language, lots of pictures.
Tamora  Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.
Martin  Shall I read it to you?
Tamora  No, I’ll avoid it all together.
Martin  We have to read it to him together. He has to know
from both of us.
Tamora  He knows anyway. Of course he knows. He keeps
unpacking his bag.
Martin  Smart as a whip.
Tamora  At least he got something from me.
Martin  Besides your love of pizza.
Tamora  Besides that.
Martin  It wasn’t Gary.
Tamora Sorry?
Martin  It wasn’t Gary who made the call.
Tamora  I know it wasn’t.
Martin  You thought it was.
Tamora  I didn’t.
Martin  You did!
Tamora  Not seriously.
Martin  You wondered.
Tamora  But not seriously. Never for a minute. Not Gary.
Martin  I said not Gary. You said it could be. I said no, I
said think of the cat.
Tamora  Well. What does it matter?
All In A Row.indd 32 18/02/2019 10:53
Scene Three  33
Martin  Just thought you should know I was right.
Tamora  I’m happy for you. He thinks probably it was the
school.
Martin  Really, the school? After everything you donate?
Tamora  I don’t know. They have procedure. Everyone is
terrified of being the one on the end of the finger.
Martin  I know you are.
Tamora  What was that supposed to mean?
Martin Nothing.
Tamora  No. What did you mean?
Martin  Oh, for Christ’s sake I was having a laugh, stone
me! (Beat.) Do you think it was?
Tamora  The school?
Martin  Yes. Would they?
Tamora  I suppose anything’s possible.
Martin  But after everything you do for the school. All you
donate. I ought to email them.
Tamora  Don’t do that. We don’t know.
Martin  Did I say I ought to, I meant I did email them.
Tamora  You’re joking.
Martin  Not joking no. I ­e­mailed them.
Tamora  What did you say?
Martin  I just said . . . (Avoiding revealing the email.) I mean
do you never hate them? He goes to a special school and not
one of his teachers has a kid with special needs. Not one.
They all work with ours and go back to their own little nest
with perfect little kids. I don’t like to be pitied.
Tamora  What did you put in your email.
All In A Row.indd 33 18/02/2019 10:53
34  All in a Row
Martin  And with their targets and objectives it’s actually
quite expensive keeping Laurence in the class, with two to
one support minimum it’s not cheap. They all have the
bruises and bites too I mean you’ve got to understand why it
might have been tempting for them to think, maybe, if
Laurence wasn’t in the class days would be easier. You know.
So I emailed and I said I hope you’re happy. Or words to
that effect. If you didn’t want him you could have just told us
and we would have kept him. At home. Our home. Or words
to that effect. Because we do. We want him.
Tamora (angry)  What a ridiculous thing to do
Gary and Laurence enter again.
Tamora has to hide her anger.
Tamora  Here’s my boy. Here’s my favourite boy. Look
what Mummy got you. Look what we got you.
Martin  What Mummy got you?!
Tamora  Mr Kipling!
Laurence bounces up and down happily and tears open the packet
of cakes; he places them in a line.
Gary  I sometimes wonder what he sees in that.
Tamora  Order. It makes sense.
Gary  He gets that from you then?
Tamora  I know I have days when I feel like I want
everything neat and tidy.
Gary  I suppose.
Martin  Shame he then tries to merge them with the carpet.
Gary  It must be nice to live in a world where you don’t
care about mess but you love a straight line.
Martin  This one time, he got the Scrabble letters, and
arranged them till they spelled Brad Andalman.
All In A Row.indd 34 18/02/2019 10:53
Scene Three  35
Tamora  For weeks we had no idea what that was about.
Not the foggiest.
Martin  We asked at school. Brad?
Tamora  Thought maybe it could be the bus driver.
Martin  Thought maybe he meant bread or bad. Bed even.
Tamora  Then one day Martin was with him watching
Nemo and –
Martin  In the credits there it is. Brad Andalman,
third colourist.
Gary Really?
Martin  See, he is so clever in so many ways.
Tamora  He is.
Gary  Yeah. (Beat.) You can visit him right? Whenever
you want?
Tamora  Oh God of course. Yeah. And it’s an amazing
place. They have horses on site, he can go horse riding. And
you never know, what if they have a breakthrough.
Martin  There won’t be a breakthrough.
Tamora  Miracles could happen.
Martin  Did she tell you about Lourdes?
Gary  I heard about Lourdes.
Martin  What a load of fucking loonies. I spent so long
wondering if anyone’s ever pissed in the communion wine.
Tamora  Jesus, Martin!
Martin  It never went through your mind? All those
faithful, drinking from the same cup, someone must have
one day.
Tamora  Don’t be disgusting.
All In A Row.indd 35 18/02/2019 10:53
36  All in a Row
Martin  Or at least spread a cold sore.
Gary  He has a point.
Martin  Yes! Thanks, man, you know cold sores are herpes?
Gary  I did actually know that.
Tamora  In front of Laurence?
Martin  I just think it’s a horrible thought, one horny nun
gives a father a little light relief, takes communion and the
whole congregation has it shining on their lips. Spreading
the good news a little too literally.
Tamora  I’m sorry about him.
Martin  My wife doesn’t like to think about sex.
Tamora  Not with you dear. (To Gary.) I’m very sorry
about him.
Martin  My wife likes to apologise for me.
Tamora  I really am.
Martin  She apologises a lot. I admire that about Laurence
sometimes – he never apologises. Never.
Tamora  Would you stop?
Martin  She doesn’t realise we are entitled. Everyone’s
entitled to be a bit eccentric when they are in our situation,
darling.
Tamora Martin.
Martin  It’s like if someone has a terminal illness. You show
up at a party and everybody has been told already. So you
get to be a bit eccentric, a bit out there – it’s a good thing in a
way, they’re already on your side.
Tamora  There’s eccentric and there’s obnoxious, dear.
Have some more wine, Gary.
She exits.
All In A Row.indd 36 18/02/2019 10:53
Scene Three  37
Laurence gets up and takes Martin to the fridge.
Martin  Let me guess, Larry. Can I phone a friend? PIZZA!
Ding ding. Come on let’s sit down.
They sit and watch Nemo. Martin tries to get up to get a beer or his
tobacco tin, but Laurence hugs him tight. He tries again. He’s not
going anywhere. Gary realises what he wants and passes it to him.
Laurence is excited about a moment in the film.
Gary  He loves this bit. Did you ever think about getting
him a fish?
Martin  We had a fish, he smashed the tank.
Gary  Shit, was it OK?
Martin  Yeah, I gave it CPR.
Gary  Did you?
Martin  No. It died.
Gary  Did you have pets growing up?
Martin  I did not have pets.
Gary  Do you believe in reincarnation?
Martin  Jesus, Gary, we’re pulling out all the big guns
tonight.
Gary  Ever wonder about it?
Martin  Reincarnation. Nope. I had an acid trip once
where I was pretty sure that I’d cracked the universe and
meaning of life but then got distracted by an orchid that was
moving like an octopus.
Gary  Understandable. It’s just. I wonder about it.
Martin  Right. What do you wonder?
Gary  Well, sometimes I wonder.
Martin  You do wonder don’t you.
All In A Row.indd 37 18/02/2019 10:53
38  All in a Row
Gary  If people with special needs are animals wrongly
reincarnated into human form.
Martin Right.
Gary  Because sometimes he seems so intuitive, it’s like he’s
operating on another level . . .
Martin  Wait, wait, go back to the animal thing.
Gary  I mean, it’s not . . .
Martin  No, go on. Which animal?
Gary  Well, Laurence in a lot of ways is a bit like a puppy.
Martin  Wonderful! A puppy!
Gary  He jumps about excitedly when he’s happy to see
you. He bites things.
Martin  Shits wherever he wants.
Gary  Exactly. He loves to be tickled, he’s tactile. Sleeps a
lot. Eats a lot. Doesn’t really communicate all that well.
Martin  And does this theory extend to all people with
learning disabilites?
Gary  I haven’t really thought about it that much.
Martin  Are you saying that quadriplegics are in fact not just
people with the awful misfortune to be born doubly
incontinent and unable to move any limb but are in fact slugs
who strayed into the line for ­reincarnation to human form?
Gary  It was just a thought.
Martin  Word of advice. Never say that in public. Ever again
Gary  Ok. I’m sorry.
Martin  Possibly the most idiotic thing anyone has ever said
since someone told Mr Kipling he could bake. At least they
haven’t been smooshed yet.
All In A Row.indd 38 18/02/2019 10:53
Scene Three  39
Gary  It’s a matter of time. Do you think you should read
the social story with him?
Martin  Want to see something?
He produces a box and opens it, it’s the prototype Heart2Heart.
Gary  Is that?
Martin  This is it. The empire Tam built.
Gary  It does kind of look like a vibrator
Martin  This’ll be a laugh.
He takes out the receiver; it’s a red piece of plastic. He turns it on
and it beeps.
Martin  It’s alive!
Gary  Won’t she mind?
Martin  Oh probably – don’t tell her. Hey, Larry. Can
Daddy have your hand?
Laurence ignores him.
Martin  Can you get me his hand, mate?
Gary  I’m not sure . . .
Martin  Give me his hand, Gary.
Gary slowly touches Laurence’s hand and with slow movement
Martin slips the bracelet on to Laurence’s arm. The device starts to
beep in time with Laurence’s heart and flash.
Gary  That’s really cool!
Martin looks at the device on Laurence’s wrist and strokes his
hand.
Martin  I don’t think I know how to live without him.
(Beat.) Silly isn’t it. He has his routines and he freaks out if
you take them away, loses his shit completely – so do we.
Gary  He won’t be far away.
All In A Row.indd 39 18/02/2019 10:53
40  All in a Row
Martin  It’s Darlington, mate, do you even know where
that is?
Gary  Up north?
Martin  Two hundred miles up north.
Gary  Jesus. Was there nowhere closer?
Martin  Apparently not.
Gary  Well, there’s good train links.
Martin  Save it.
Gary  Sorry. I do think though, I think in time you’ll
realise . . .
Martin  Realise what? That he’s fucked. That he’s expelled,
sectioned, chemically lobotomised?
Gary  I didn’t say he would –
Martin  You didn’t have to, I’m not an idiot.
Gary  I’m sorry I said that earlier.
Martin  Don’t be. At least someone isn’t kidding themselves.
Gary  He could really take to it.
Martin  She needs to hear this.
Gary  She doesn’t.
Martin  Don’t tell me what my wife needs. I know what my
wife needs.
Gary  Sure. Sorry.
Martin  So they’re not allowed to hold doors?
Gary No.
Martin  So what, they’d just let him run around biting
people?
Gary  If they can’t get him an approved hold they’d have to.
All In A Row.indd 40 18/02/2019 10:53
Scene Three  41
Martin  You’d think they’d just use common sense.
Gary  Kids though, like Laurence, they’re vulnerable.
Martin  If he’s biting people just get him in his room till he
calms down, it’s for his own good.
Gary  I know but red tape isn’t it.
Martin  It’s bollocks. Dark ages, we’re in the dark ages.
Gary  I worked for an agency once. They sent me to work
with this woman who was a bit like Larry.
Gary  She spent the first forty years in an institution. She
had no teeth, mate. Back then, if kids bit then they pulled
their teeth out. And she was sterilised, so she couldn’t get
pregnant.
Martin  By the other patients?
Gary  Or by the staff.
Martin Fuck.
Gary  They’re vulnerable.
Martin  How do we know this school is any better?
Gary  Red tape.
Martin  Yeah but if that gets him kicked out.
Gary  I didn’t say there was an answer.
Tamora enters. Martin is worried about the residential schools and
a bit pissed off with Gary.
Martin  Lovely. Well this is a civilised night. Gary here was
just telling me how he thinks our son is a puppy wrongly
reincarnated into human form.
Tamora  Really? Wouldn’t that be strange. Never say that
in public!
Gary  No, believe me I won’t.
All In A Row.indd 41 18/02/2019 10:53
42  All in a Row
Tamora tries to make Martin jealous by bringing up Gary’s love
life.
Tamora  Did you know Gary is internet dating? He’d like to
start a family.
Martin  Really? That’s brave. Doesn’t all of this scare you?
There’s no tests, you know. Or scans, to see if they’re . . .
Gary  I know.
Martin  We didn’t know.
Gary  I wouldn’t mind.
Tamora (Beat. Changing the subject again.)  Two police. They
had him in with two police. You must have been scared,
Gary.
Martin  Of course he was scared. I was scared – weren’t
you?
Tamora Terrified.
Gary  Yeah, it wasn’t something I’d like to repeat.
Martin  Did they ever ask –
Tamora ‘They’?
Martin  The police, or the social workers, did they ever ask
about what you thought should be done for Laurence?
Gary  Not really.
Tamora  That’s not fair, Martin.
Martin  Not really? Something like that? Did they?
Gary  They asked if I thought it was a good idea for him to
remain with one-to-one care.
Martin  And you said?
Gary  I said I don’t know.
Martin  You don’t know?
All In A Row.indd 42 18/02/2019 10:53
Scene Three  43
Tamora  None of us do.
Gary  I’m sorry I wasn’t sure, I didn’t want to say the
wrong thing.
Tamora  Quite right.
Martin (backing down)  Fair enough, I suppose nothing any
of us could say or do. For the best really.
Tamora  They have horse riding there. Did I mention?
Martin  I think you did, dear, yes.
Tamora  He’ll love that.
Martin  Gary has concerns about residential schooling,
don’t you, Gary.
Tamora Really?
Gary  Not concerns.
Martin  Not concerns? No?
Gary  Just square peg, round hole.
Martin  Square peg? Larry, God love him, is a spiked
dodecahedron peg.
Gary (changing subject)  I was wondering. Are you going to
give him a prototype?
Tamora Pardon?
Gary  To take away – will you give him a prototype of your
heart thing?
Tamora  No. No he’d chew it. Besides it’s stupid isn’t it? I
don’t want to hear his heart beat when he’s not with me. I’ll
hear it pound when he’s upset and think he’s in trouble or
something.
Gary shoots a look to Martin – they shouldn’t have put it on
Laurence. Gary tries to surreptitiously remove it but Laurence
won’t keep his hand still.
All In A Row.indd 43 18/02/2019 10:53
44  All in a Row
Awkward silence.
Martin  People are quick to point out this problem with it.
Tamora  My husband is quick to point out this problem
with it.
Martin  And the Apple watch.
Tamora  Yes I know, the bloody Apple watch, but they still
give me grants, don’t they?
Martin  In many ways I think it was a fine venture. Kept a
roof over our heads.
Tamora  Somebody had to.
Martin  Ten years. It’s amazing how long people will
believe in something for such little return.
Tamora  I believed in it at the start.
Martin  And now?
Tamora  It’s a romantic notion overblown.
Gary  I think he should go to bed soon.
Tamora  Leave him till he puts himself to bed. He can
choose tonight.
Gary  I put his social story over there.
Tamora  We ought to read it to him.
Gary  It’s probably a good idea.
Tamora  One more glass of wine.
Martin  I’ll make sure his bed’s made.
He leaves.
Tamora  I’m sorry about him.
Gary  Don’t be silly. The amount of stress. Honestly. It’s
very understandable.
All In A Row.indd 44 18/02/2019 10:53
Scene Three  45
Tamora  Stress. Our world is a study in life under stress.
Gary  It must be hard.
Tamora  He’s terrified about life without Laurence.
Gary  I know, it’s a big change.
Tamora  Can I tell you something awful?
Gary What?
Tamora  I’m excited. A little bit. Is that wrong?
Gary  Not at all.
Tamora  I feel so bad every time I think about it. When I
think that maybe it’s not the worst thing for me. To wake up
and not to have to be scared about what could happen if I
play the day the wrong way. If the iPad runs out of battery.
You know?
Gary  It can be scary. Sometimes, I feel a little intimidated.
Tamora  It’s not wrong. And I love him I really do but he
needs more than this, right? He needs horse riding. Right?
Gary  It’s going to be so good for him.
Tamora  You had concerns?
Gary  Nothing major – I told Martin, maybe ask him.
Beat.
Tamora  Do you ever worry you might hate him?
Gary  Not really. Laurence?
Tamora  Because he’s something that you can’t control and
he’s there and he’ll always be there and he’ll always need
looking after, even after you’re dead, he’ll be there on his
own, and he’s so vulnerable. How do you think that makes
me feel?
Gary  He won’t be on his own. He’ll never be . . .
All In A Row.indd 45 18/02/2019 10:53
46  All in a Row
Tamora  But he won’t be with me, will he?
Gary  . . . Not always.
Tamora  I’m sorry, Gary, you don’t want to hear it. It’s just
none of my friends understand, really.
Gary  I totally get it, Tam.
Tamora (beat)  Tell me about your dating, Gary. Tell me
about the women you’re meeting. Are they fit?
Gary  Yeah. Some of them.
Tamora  Tell me, do you believe in love?
Gary  I guess so.
Tamora  Do you believe in karma?
Gary  I’ve never thought about it.
Tamora  Do you believe that we are punished for mistakes
we’ve made?
Gary  I don’t. I believe shit happens to some people and we
deal with it and that’s the world. It’s not always fair.
Tamora  Do you think I’m a bad mother? Do I work too
hard? Should I be sadder to see him go? Should I pull the
hair of the social worker in the morning? Because I kind of
want to. Does that make me sick? Should I snap my wine
glass and put it through my eye?
Gary  I think you’re a great mother.
Tamora  Do you think I’m attractive?
Gary  Yeah I suppose so.
Tamora  Do you speed date, Gary? If you were speed
dating with me would you tick me?
Gary  I don’t know.
Tamora  Would you tick me, Gary? Come on, I’m joking!
Lighten up. Would you tick me?
All In A Row.indd 46 18/02/2019 10:53
Scene Three  47
Gary  I guess. If I didn’t know you.
Tamora  On internet dating, Gary. Would you click me? Do
you want to click me?
Gary  This doesn’t feel appropriate.
Tamora  Would you get your mouse on me? Would you
scroll me?
Gary  I’m not sure.
Tamora  Flick through my profile. Tick, flick, click?
Would you?
Gary  If it was appropriate.
Tamora  Really? Want some news? Nothing ever feels
appropriate in life. Nothing ever happens how you’d like it.
Why don’t you kiss me?
Gary  I need to go now.
Tamora  Kiss me. I’m your employer. Kiss me.
She forces herself on him. He stands frozen.
I was just having a bit of a laugh. Jeez. Gotta laugh haven’t
we. Haven’t we?
Gary  I hope it goes well tomorrow. Honestly, you have
been a lovely family to work for.
Tamora  You’re not leaving. Please. I’m sorry about that.
Sometimes I just feel like, what the heck. Do what you want
to do. That’s my advice to you. Don’t waste a second.
Gary  I’ll contact you about how I can visit him.
Tamora  Gary, please, you’ve been in our home two years.
Gary  I’ll be back, I just feel tonight you need space.
Tamora  Sure. If you must. You must. Your cat. Can I get
you a taxi?
Gary  I’ll be fine it’s not too late.
All In A Row.indd 47 18/02/2019 10:53
48  All in a Row
Martin heads back in.
Gary  I’m off, mate.
Martin  No, surely not?
Gary  I really need to hit the road. Thank you for
everything.
Tamora  Let the poor boy go, leave us to the mad house.
Martin  You haven’t watched the end of Nemo though, mate.
Tamora  He has to get back to his cat!
Martin  Laurence will miss you.
Gary  Yeah, I’ll miss him.
Martin  Thanks for everything.
Gary  You’re welcome.
Martin  Except having our son taken off us.
Gary Sorry?
Martin  Yeah, not quite so grateful for that one.
Tamora Marty!
Gary  I didn’t do anything that would –
Martin  No sure of course you didn’t, why would the carer
do it? I said it’s fine anyway, totally understandable, you’re
covering your arse.
Gary  I wasn’t at all.
Martin  And I wouldn’t expect you to think about us for a
second – after all you believe, what? They’re all animals?
Gary  I’m leaving.
Martin  Yeah. Goodbye. I hope you know the gaping hole
you have created in this family. Taking away my son. Our
son – you have caused more damage in our household than
Laurence ever has in his decade of destruction.
All In A Row.indd 48 18/02/2019 10:53
Scene Three  49
Gary  I DIDN’T CALL SOCIAL SERVICES!
Martin  Don’t lie!
Gary  I’m not!
Martin  You are!
Gary  I’m not lying!
Martin  You are lying! Think I’m stupid? The social worker
said it wasn’t the school so who else could it be?!
Gary  It wasn’t me!
Martin  You’re lying.
Gary  I’m not.
Martin  You are!
Tamora  I called them. It was me. Now leave him alone.
Beat.
Martin What?
Tamora  I phoned them. We couldn’t cope. We can’t cope.
Martin  What are you talking about? I don’t understand.
Tamora  Sound out the syllables
Martin  We can cope perfectly! He has a wonderful life, he
has a great life, Tam!
Tamora  No he doesn’t. He goes to school, he comes home
and wades through a swamp of resentment just to get to the
iPad to put on Nemo for the thousandth time. He sits and
watches it over and over again. Is that a life?
Martin  He’s with his family where he belongs.
Tamora  There is no shame in admitting we can’t cope. We
don’t have to play happy families all day long. I am sick of
looking at him and feeling guilty because I can’t look after
him – you know what that’s fine!
All In A Row.indd 49 18/02/2019 10:53
50  All in a Row
Martin  We can look after him.
Tamora  No we can maintain him, keep him in clothes – it’s
not the same as giving him a life You know for the longest
time the worst part of all this was I thought it was my fault. I
believed in love so much, this romantic notion, but not with
you. I never did, Martin. And I worried that every bad
feeling, every betrayal, gathered and formed into negative
energy and made him who he is.
Martin  I love him how he is
Tamora  So do I, he is the light of my life! The absolute
light.
Martin  We are a family.
Tamora  Yes. Yes we are – but that’s not enough.
Laurence is becoming unsettled.
Martin  I love him and I love you.
Tamora  Grow up.
Martin  This is growing up? Having him taken away?
Tamora  Yes. Because we can’t cope!
Martin  We can!
Tamora  No we can’t, why can’t you see!
Suddenly the Heart2Heart starts beeping in Martin’s pocket.
Tamora  What is that?
Martin  It’s, I thought it was funny.
Tamora  You didn’t. My God you are such an idiot.
The beat becomes faster and faster.
Martin  I always knew you cared more for this fucking
invention – it’s not even good, Tam. But I thought it could
serve an actual purpose, what with your son leaving us.
All In A Row.indd 50 18/02/2019 10:53
Scene Three  51
Tamora  You didn’t think.
Martin  You know you’re right. I didn’t think. I should
have realised that our marriage is exactly the same as this
piece of formed plastic you flog. You sold me the fucking lie.
Tamora  Oh nice.
Martin  Do you even love him?
Tamora  How dare you ask me that.
Martin  Do you ever play with him? Cos I do?
Tamora  Of course I play with him!
Martin  It seems all you ever do is work.
Tamora  For Christ’s sake, you can’t go through life just
playing.
Martin  There it is.
Tamora  There are no life skills to be found on the ­Xbox.
Martin  I’m living.
Tamora  Barely – all you do is smoke. You wonder why I
don’t want to fuck you – you smoke so much you can’t get
it up.
Martin  As opposed to the alcohol.
Tamora  I drink to drown you out.
Gary  I think we should all just have a sit-down.
Tamora  I drink to forget.
Gary  Guys, it’s upsetting Laurence.
Martin  You stay out of this.
Tamora  Don’t speak to Gary like that.
Martin  Oh, great, stick up for the carer.
All In A Row.indd 51 18/02/2019 10:53
52  All in a Row
Tamora  At least he has a job, at least he can get laid, at least
he can control Laurence.
Martin  I shat on your pillows.
Tamora What!
Gary What!
Martin  Yeah, I shat on your pillows! It was me! Like son
like father. And you know what I’m fucking glad I did. I
didn’t know why it felt so good at the time. But it did. It felt
fantastic!
Tamora  You turn my stomach.
Martin  You turned your back on us.
Tamora  You don’t deserve me.
Martin  You don’t deserve children.
The beeping from Laurence’s Heart2Heart has been getting faster
and faster till he loses his cool and attacks Tamora. Both Martin
and Gary wrestle him off her for a long time.
Martin  Are you alright?
Tamora  Yes. No worse than last time.
Martin  I’ll get his meds.
Tamora  You can go, Gary.
Gary  I don’t mind staying if he’s still upset.
Tamora  Don’t be silly, get going. Let me pay for your taxi.
She takes out a fifty-pound note.
Gary  That’s too much.
Tamora  Take it.
Gary  Thanks. I’ll keep in touch.
Martin  Thanks, mate.
All In A Row.indd 52 18/02/2019 10:53
Scene Three  53
Gary  See ya then.
Martin  You got my number, if you ever want to see a
film. Call.
Gary (lying)  Sure. Good luck. Bye, little man, I’m gonna
miss you.
Martin  Say bye bye, Laurence. Bye.
They watch Laurence for a second. Nothing. Gary leaves. They sit
speechless in the aftermath for a while.
Tamora  He’s cut his lip. Do we have ice?
Martin  I’ll get some.
Tamora Thanks.
He gets some ice and gives it to her. She lovingly puts it on
Laurence’s lip.
Tamora  Can you get him a drink?
Martin  Coming right up.
Tamora Thanks.
Martin  Orange juice?
Tamora Diluted.
Martin  Got it. (Beat.) Are you sure you’re not hurt.
Tamora  I’m fine.
Martin  He’s calmer now.
Tamora  He is. Calm. Angelic even.
Martin  I know you love him.
Tamora  More than anything in the world.
Martin  I’ve thought it too. You know. I don’t beat myself
up about it.
Tamora  What’s that?
All In A Row.indd 53 18/02/2019 10:53
54  All in a Row
Martin  You can love someone and wonder what it would
be like if they were someone else. That’s OK.
Tamora  I know.
She picks up the social story.
Martin  I can’t read him that story.
Tamora  We have to.
Martin  It will kill me.
Tamora  It’s not about you.
She goes to sit with Laurence and give him his drink. Martin
watches lovingly.
Martin  I’m sorry.
Tamora What?
Martin  Don’t make me say it twice. If I could have done
anything.
Tamora  Hindsight is . . .
Martin  In the beginning. In the park.
Tamora  The park?
Martin  Yeah, you remember.
Tamora  It was a long time ago.
Martin  Richmond Park. It was sunny.
Tamora  Sunny? I remember I was cold.
Martin  It was July. How don’t you? And. By the fountain.
Tamora  In Richmond Park? A fountain?
Martin  When I kissed you.
Beat.
Tamora  I do remember. (To Laurence.) When you were
born and they put you in my arms. (Back to Martin.) And we
were children. Two kids in a hospital room clinging on to
another kid.
All In A Row.indd 54 18/02/2019 10:53
Scene Three  55
Martin  What happened?
Tamora  I grew up. Do you think it’ll be ok?
Beat.
Martin  They do have horses.
Tamora  Making that call was the hardest thing I’ve
ever done.
Martin  Harder than marrying me?
Tamora  I knew you’d hate me.
Martin  I know why you did it.
Tamora Good.
Martin  I don’t think I’ll ever forgive you.
Tamora  I didn’t think you would. I did it anyway. Because
it was right for him.
Pause.
Tamora  I don’t know.
Martin  Will he be ok?
Tamora  I don’t know.
Martin  Will we be ok?
Tamora  I do want you to be happy you know.
Martin  I know.
Tamora  Gary had concerns?
Martin What?
Tamora  About Ridgemount, concerns?
Martin  Oh yeah.
Tamora  What were they?
Martin  He thought –
All In A Row.indd 55 18/02/2019 10:53
56  All in a Row
Tamora  Were they bad?
Martin  He (Beat.) he worried it would get expensive, all
that travelling for us.
Tamora  That was it?
Martin  Yeah, stupid really. I told him we had it covered.
Tamora  He’s a sweet guy.
Martin  Yeah, he thinks it’ll be the making of Larry.
Tamora  I hope so.
She picks up the social story and puts it in front of Laurence who is
calmer. Martin is slouched on them.
Tamora  Laurence has one more sleep at Mummy and
Daddy’s house and it is ok. Laurence will be moving to
Ridgemount Farm where he will have a new home. Mummy
and Daddy will come and visit Laurence once a month.
Laurence will have a new life at Ridgemount and will live
with his friend. This is ok. Look, a picture of the horses.
Laurence will have lessons at Ridgemount. This is
Ridgemount, it’s ok.
She takes Martin’s hand and they watch the final scene of Finding
Nemo as a family.
The end.
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All In A Row.indd 57 18/02/2019 10:53
All In A Row.indd 58 18/02/2019 10:53
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