TM
Return to Gentleness
Journeying With Gentle Teaching
All Rights Reserved.
Copyright © 2021 Anthony M. McCrovitz, Ph.D.
v7.0
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This book is dedicated to all of the Individuals
who meet us on this journey,
with whom we are given the opportunity and privilege
of celebrating their lives and honoring their stories.
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Introduction...................................................................................... i
Foreword........................................................................................xv
Chapter 1: Inviting Companionship and Community....................... 1
Chapter 2: Looking at Ourselves.................................................... 23
Chapter 3: Who the Other Is.......................................................... 37
Chapter 4: Becoming Connected................................................... 50
Chapter 5: A Personal Reflection................................................... 65
Chapter 6: Community-Centered Celebrations............................... 78
Chapter 7: Community-Centered Formation.................................. 85
Chapter 8: Reciprocal Value, an Essay on Processes
and Phases of Mentoring with Gentle Teaching.............................. 98
Chapter 9: Mentoring a Spirit of Gentleness................................. 116
Chapter 10: Mending the Social Fabric........................................ 144
Addendum 01............................................................................. 155
About the Author......................................................................... 156
Endnotes...................................................................................... 161
“The salvation of the human world lies nowhere else
than in the human heart. Without a global revolution
in the sphere of human consciousness,
nothing will change for the better.”
Václav Havel (1936-2011),
1st President of the Czech Republic,
speaking to U.S. Congress on February 21, 1990
i
INTRODUCTION
Like the element of water interacting with the porous clay upon
a potter’s wheel, a sense of belonging infiltrates the interior landscape,
an impressionable terrain that is rooted in self-perception
and cultivated by one’s ability or supported accessibility for experiencing
and processing external environments. A sense of belonging
is mirrored in one’s sense of identity, with the feeling that “I
exist!”
Thus begins the centering of oneself as being human and the longing
to belong with others, seeking expansion with the knowing and
developing of oneself, becoming human, connected or disconnected
within the constructs of social-emotional self-perception. The longing
to belong leads to deeper questioning: where is the value and what is
the meaning of my existence?
From the awareness that ‘I exist with others, I identify with others,’ the
inherent quest for value and meaning arises: but WHO AM I?
A “self-concept” begins forming in early childhood and gradually develops
over time as we become aware of a past self, a present self,
and a future self. From our experiences, discoveries, and recognition
of abilities and vulnerabilities, we imagine who we might be, developing
a perception, an image of who we feel we are; a picture of
ourselves in our story, our unfolding narrative.
ii
Self-perception serves as a frame of reference for how we view our
interactions and how we are able to engage, feel connection, and experience
coherence between the emotional (inner) and social (outer)
worlds of experience. A self-concept greatly influences how one’s life
can be experienced, but is based on the interpretation of experiences,
as viewed through a foundational, social-emotional framework, the
narrative structuring for one’s quality of life.
The way a camera is used for taking pictures is similar to how each
one’s narrative structuring frames a self-concept and worldview. And
just like aperture and shutter speed settings, the foundation for one’s
growth in awareness and “play-ability” (the degree of receptive ‘play’
factors, the cognitive, pliable resources one exhibits as tools for engaged
learning with role-modeling, for growth in self-awareness and
social-emotional coherence) is set for the outcome!
A Return to Gentleness begins with the re-centering and restructuring of
one’s social-emotional “processing” center with a framework of Gentle
Teaching. This narrative structure is rooted in a psychology of interdependence,
forming companionship and community with others, cultivating
connections for the “well-being” development of one’s self-concept
and concurring quality of life. The foundation for one’s social-emotional
processes (interpreting, feeling, learning) is set with value and meaning,
letting in the light of unconditional love and acceptance as we learn together,
building upon and expanding from this foundation.
Without the integration of unifying principles and practices that nurture
each one’s inseparable and indigenous connection to all mankind,
we will remain blind to one another, unknowing of our interconnected
design and true potential (as individuals and as communities)
for awareness, growth, and transformation toward interdependence.
“True learning”1
is not possible without one’s engagement.
Engagement refers to a person’s level of interest and participation in
iii
a task or activity, and their expression of meaningful communication
when interacting with others. This is different from one’s ability that
relates to skill level and how well one can complete a task or activity.
A culture of gentleness is a learning culture that, with a person-centered
narrative structure, focuses on the invitation to learn together—
how to feel safe and loved, loving and engaged; how to trust and do
things with and then for others (reciprocation). A practice of Gentle
Teaching builds relationships that invite one’s interest and curiosity
in learning together. Role-modeling gives one the opportunity to reimagine
and re-frame a self-concept.
My own learning and vocation were influenced early on by the research
and teachings of humanistic psychologist Carl Rogers (1902-
1987). While he was on board with Maslow’s “hierarchy” model of
human needs, he brought to light a critical piece of the puzzling
processes of social-emotional development with his conceptualization
and validation of true learning: “For a person to grow, they need
an environment that provides them with genuineness (openness and
self-disclosure), acceptance (being seen with unconditional positive
regard), and empathy (being listened to and understood). Without
these essential elements in place, relationships and healthy personalities
aren’t able to develop as they should, much like a tree will not
grow without sunlight and water.”2
Gentle Teaching establishes a relational context for human existence
by cultivating a sense of belonging (companionship) and creating the
invitation to experience belonging with others (community).
Within the space of relationship-building, one connects with an identifiable
“place” that becomes practical and meaningful for the centering of
one’s being and moral memory; for the shaping of awareness and the
unfolding of one’s story. Gentle Teaching is a social vision that connects
the foundation of human narrative with the deeply held roots of our
interdependent nature.
iv
Interdependence…the word itself comes from the Latin root inter,
meaning ‘among’ or ‘between.’ In origin, we are not separate. Among
us, throughout our lives, an inseparable social fabric of community
connects us. Between us is relationship-building potential, the invitational
space where the mirroring of meaning and value exists for
human connection; for creating new moral memory; for a return to
gentleness.
Moral memory shapes one’s outlook and develops a sense of meaning
and direction. My use of the term ‘moral memory’ refers to Dr. John
McGee’s teaching of how this is formed through processes of socialemotional
development and how this relates to feelings of inner security.
“[Moral memory] is deep in our consciousness and serves as the
framework for all that we do,” he says, adding: “From the moment we
are born, we begin to develop a moral sense-- how safe and secure we
feel, our connectedness with others, our self-worth, and our response
to others. These feelings ...are learned responses that become internalized.
They form the architecture of our soul and serve as a blueprint
throughout our lives for moral guidance. Self-determination and decision-making
and choice arise out of these memories.”3
As a social vision with a relationship-building framework, Gentle
Teaching has always been at the heart of my counseling and mentoring
work. In my own research and teaching and mentoring of caregivers,
support staff, Individuals and families throughout my career, what
I most commonly observe is the struggle for a sense of belonging, for
one’s center of existence to have (in companionship) and hold (in
community) an affirmation of basic human values and a confirmation
of their own existence. With this acknowledgment and self-recognition,
social-emotional awareness and growth are cultivated, nurturing
a genuine sense of belonging.
It was during my years of attending a Catholic boarding high school
in Donaldson, Indiana, that I first learned about Gentle Teaching
v
and its framework as a relationship-building approach. I was participating
in a servant leadership project, interacting with Individuals
with intellectual and developmental disabilities. “Brother Eugene”
and “Ms. Karen” were mentoring my work as a peer tutor and had
come across an article that introduced Gentle Teaching and the
author’s work with severely handicapped Individuals. The author,
I learned, was Dr. John McGee. My mentors were enthusiastic in
sharing with me, and others in the program, a more innovative and
humane approach to our work, a more compassionate and loving
approach that was centered on relationship-building. This view was
in stark contrast to the prevalent behavioral lens in the field of human
services in the early 1980s.
I continued with my studies and began developing my career in counseling
and human services. I learned more about Gentle Teaching
when the book Gentle Teaching of the Mentally Retarded: A NonAversive
Approach to Helping Persons with Mental Retardation was
published in 1987, written by Dr. John McGee and his colleagues,
F. J. Menolascino, Daniel C. Hobbs, and Paul Menousek.
A few years later I met Dr. John McGee, who became a dear friend,
mentor, and colleague, up until his death in 2012. From 2005 to
2008, my wife, Amanda (a practicing attorney) and I worked together
with John on a project in Puerto Rico that involved extensive dialogue
and communications in working with the US Department of Justice
and the Department of Health, advocating for Individuals with disabilities
to be removed from institutions throughout the island and
placed in homes with families. As the court monitor, John presented
the recommendations we developed for each Individual.
For me, the philosophy and practical applications of Gentle Teaching
interactions were learned from John McGee, and I am forever thankful
for the years of opportunities I had to observe, first-hand, his practice
of GentleTeaching. John did not see institutionalized others as separate
vi
from society, nor he, himself, as detached from them or the collective,
social systems that prolonged their suffering. His works inspired and
benefitted the lives of many people throughout the world, especially
those to whom he dedicated his own life to serving--- people with intellectual
and developmental disabilities, and Individuals isolated because
of mental health issues, homelessness, and oppression.
With his dedication to non-violence and the preservation of human
dignity, his mentoring works cultivated hope in the lives of Individuals
and in their communities, amidst despairing conditions. His interactions
demonstrated unconditional love, creating the warmth of companionship
that showed the joy and appreciation he felt for their presence.
Regardless of circumstances or ability, John invited engagement,
communicating with his hands, eyes, words, and presence. These, we
learn, are “our tools” for Gentle Teaching.
In his footsteps, I join many others around the world who continue
responding to the call of justice for all, especially for those in need of
accessible support and mentoring/relationship-building opportunities
that invite engagement with dignified learning processes that cultivate
meaningful socialization. We respect the privilege we have for interacting,
loving, learning, and creating, together, a culture of gentleness.
Gentleness is a dwelling place for unconditional love,
Breathing the space of “I and Thou”4
into each one’s place of belonging, as it was in the beginning.
Soon after completing a master’s program in business administration,
I began my own practice that, since 1996, has included serving as the
director of a family-owned agency in Indiana that offers human services.
This work led to the development of a Quality-of-Life Model™
of services that evolved as a business and management tool for the
development and delivery of quality-of-life services and programs that
integrate the principles, practice, and promise of Gentle Teaching.
vii
“To value every human being as whole of mind/body/spirit” is the
social vision of Gentle Teaching and is the foundation and heart of a
Quality-of-life Model of services. This affirmation of our human nature
is cultivated in the common ground of world spiritual traditions
and is a key tenet of a psychology of interdependence.
Interdependence is understood as the underlying formation of community
in a practice of Gentle Teaching. This formation values human
potentials, inclusively seeking interactions that deepen connections
and strengthen social fabric. When supported with values of interdependency
and relationship-building properties (aka elements of
companionship), this formation of community cultivates meaningful
connections and seeds of hope, nurturing quality-of-life outcomes.
Relationship-building is the integral value that factors into developing
interdependence.
The narrative structure of the self…
The construction and integration of a narrative ethic is an essential
aspect of this development. A Quality-of-Life Model expands the
relationship-building framework with crossroads for narrative development.
Intersections on the shared journey invite possibilities for
nurturing and relationship-building, cultivating preferences for one’s
experience and capacity for self-determination.
A narrative ethic establishes groundwork for choices, based on the
person’s preferences and what becomes known about their gifts and
vulnerabilities. This aspect of development is critical for social wellbeing
and is vital to a Quality-of-Life Model with its foundational
philosophy of Gentle Teaching.
In mentoring a spirit of gentleness, we are engaged in navigating the
social vision of Gentle Teaching. Interactions that focus on creating
companionship and community acknowledge one’s value and ability
viii
to trust the mentoring processes. This lays a foundation for one’s intrinsic
ability for learning how to feel safe and loved. The learning
sometimes means “unlearning” trauma-informed responses and takes
patience while new moral memory is being created. This topic is discussed
in Chapter 9 when I talk about Navigating the Heart, a skillset
for crisis intervention. But one thing we can remember in our learning
and practice of Gentle Teaching is a simple law of physics: we do not
need to remove the darkness from a room before it can be filled with
light. As one is able to develop a sense of self or grow in self-awareness,
social-emotional connections can naturally occur and develop
greater value and new meaning.
Self-reflection serves as an important aspect for assessing how we
are mentoring and teaching, and for learning more about how one is
able to experience the mentoring processes. We cultivate the foundation
for social-emotional growth and intrinsic learning with the
vehicle of companionship and community. How will these connections
be made? How can we understand this person and learn of
their gifts and vulnerabilities? What are we communicating with our
interactions, and how are we using our tools? How are we valuing
and protecting this person? How will we create meaningful moments,
develop dialogue, and invite engagement? How will we plan
to stay the course that involves goals and reaching different destinations,
while navigating the ebbing and flowing waters of socialemotional
experiencing and processing of varied internal and external
environments?
We ask ourselves, how? A narrative ethic is the HOW. Developing
narrative creates a venue for one’s voice, identifying the important
and meaningful aspects of one’s story. The process invites one’s capacity
to be present and experience a sense a purpose. With our privilege
of listening, engaging in dialogue, writing about and sharing
one’s story, one’s value is deeply acknowledged. This is the beginning
of community formation. It begins with companionship and one’s
ix
growing sense of awareness. Developing a narrative script cultivates,
with one, a foundational sense of belonging. A narrative ethic is interested
in the history of the future, the possibilities of where one’s story
can go and how it can grow and unfold.
Prolific American author and teacher Carolyn Heilbrun (1926-2001),
suggested that “the narrative structure of the self means that we can
reflect critically on the scripts by which we have lived and write new
ones, new scripts of possibility.”5
The natural design and inclination of human beings for understanding
and developing the social-emotional aspects of themselves, is within
a community-centered formation that engages a relationship-building
framework for processing and developing narrative, a way to develop
a coherent quality for one’s life experience.
In his writings about quality of life and vantage points for research
(“Quality of Life: Questioning the Vantage Points for Research”),
author Michael Bach discusses the value of a life plan as it relates
to social well-being, emphasizing that it differs from a detailed
documentation that is “managed by an interdisciplinary team of
professional caregivers.” “A life plan,” he teaches, is a narrative of the
person’s past and present circumstances and future hopes, a narrative
that is a condition for a coherent self.”6
From a research perspective, Bach discusses essential elements and
aspects of human life, addressing the degree of quality and question
of standards that are used for measuring and determining quality of
life. This topic raises very important questions for our discussions,
because, as Bach phrases it, “It is a question that goes to the heart
of how we think about policy, program, and service system reform.
What features of a person’s life should count in determining the quality
of their life?”7
x
Bach quotes Carolyn Heilbrun’s point about “the narrative structure
of the self,” adding that “this narrative approach to the birth of the
self suggests that the life plan, central to realizing the ideal of selfdetermination,
can be seen as the narrative that people put together
about their lives (or that is put together for them), about who they are,
where they have come from, and what they want. How this narrative
is put together and the choices it reflects is then a central issue for a
social well-being approach to quality of life.”8
Dr. John McGee cautioned that “self-determination is only meaningful
when it is grounded on the feeling of companionship and feeling
connected with a safe and caring community.” Without these feelings,
the choices a person makes can easily be based on fear instead
of on inner strength and the desire to develop potentials.
One can engage in the unfolding of gifts and potentials, only in proportion
to the accessible means and mentoring opportunities one
has. In developing the social-emotional self, human beings learn
from interacting with others, exploring and cultivating the roots of
connection to self, to others, and to their inner and outer world. The
philosophy, practice, and promise of Gentle Teaching creates this accessibility
with relationship-building, the growing of companionship,
and the formation of community.
The relationship between service provider(s) and Individual(s) is
paramount in our work. The relationship-building dynamic shapes
the social structures (companionship and community) that give mobility
to mentoring processes. The relationship itself serves as the
vehicle for navigating the heart and for preparing the course of destinations
that teach, build upon, and expand from the Four Pillars
of Gentle Teaching: feeling safe, loved, loving, and engaged. As we
teach these four foundational lessons, mentoring gentleness invites
and engages one’s unknown capacity for intrinsic processes of social
awareness. The social vision of Gentle Teaching focuses on who
xi
this person is, rather than on what they can or cannot do, or on
judging what they are doing.
A basic principle of Gentle Teaching is to not let the valuing of others
be contingent on conditions. Valuing without conditions (unconditional
love) is practiced in addressing social-emotional barriers that
tend to define existence. These barriers include feelings of isolation,
disconnection with self and others, a lack of meaning for one’s life,
a lack of purpose or value, disorientation brought about by mental
instabilities and disorders, or oppressive, abusive, or other unpredictable
environments, including homelessness. Even transitioning to an
assisted living home or care facility can break the spirit, impact a
sense of belonging, or alter one’s sense of who they are and where
they are, especially if they are succumbing to these changes without
the support of meaningful connections.
The list goes on, but what research lets us understand today is that
emotions one might be vulnerable to or chronically experiencing,
primarily stem from the deeply rooted, social-emotional human
need for a sense of belonging. Balancing social-emotional development
in human beings requires opportunities for interacting
with others and forming meaningful connections one can relate to
that value and support the unique, unfolding narrative of one’s life.
Also woven into the social fabric is the wear and tear of trauma and
grief in its many garments. Quality of life for a community and its
members increases with awareness, education about healthy socialemotional
development, and having resources, skills and support for
a way to sort out and mend adverse patterns that affect social/selfperception
and collective cultural views, as this condition of socialemotional
development impacts quality of life and frays the overall,
social fabric of community.
xii
A Quality-of-life Model addresses some of the most common challenges
in the delivery of human services, offering practical support
and solutions for daily business operations and growth, internal processes,
stakeholder interests, communications, staff training, leadership
development (TQM), and finances.
In the training and mentoring of staff, a Quality-of-Life Model views
each role within an organizational structure as one of daily striving
to understand and demonstrate leadership that acknowledges each
one’s intrinsic value within a community (aka servant leadership).
This mindful valuing affirms and strengthens the roots of community
and broadens the horizon of a learning and mentoring culture. This
approach to interacting with others brings levels of communication,
tolerance, inclusion, and justice back to the heart of human existence
and how we are connected with, rather than separated from one another;
engaging others in conversation and dialogue that in-forms
with life-giving and life-sustaining value and meaning; collaborating
in a shared mission to return to gentleness, to the intrinsic value of
being and becoming human.
Alongside improving quality of life for those receiving services, a
Quality-of-Life Model implements organizational systems and community-building
supports for managing and providing services. As
providers, our role extends accountability into the community of
support for the Individual and/or to those overseeing the delivery of
services.
A relationship-building framework for a practice of Gentle Teaching
has Four Pillars, or life lessons we learn and live by: safe, loved, loving,
engaged. A safe and loving environment invites trust and engagement.
Interactions that mentor a spirit of gentleness are resonant with
one’s intrinsic, human nature to be social, to belong with others; to
feel a sense of unity within oneself and a sense of community with
others; to feel one has a place to be and interact without judgment
xiii
(safe and loved) and to feel at home within one’s sense of self and in
the world (loving and engaged).
A relationship-building dynamic is the platform for engaging a practice
of Gentle Teaching. It is the vehicle for accelerating awareness
and navigating, together, experiential learning toward destinations of
the Four Pillars. These mentoring environments affirm existence and
support the learning processes with increased value and meaning for
social well-being.
We mentor gentleness with unconditional love, valuing, teaching,
and protecting this person, reciprocating what is being discovered
and learned together, supporting, challenging, and nurturing their
awareness and growth in learning how to feel safe and loved, loving
and engaged.
In teaching the Four Pillars of Gentle Teaching, we plan and prepare
the destinations for our journey together; we offer acts of gentleness;
we strive to build bridges in advance of the unfolding narrative, because
each step is important to the whole process. Each step carries
within it the unknowable degree of potential for connections that
open a door for awareness and growth.
Return to Gentleness shares the relationship-building principles and
underlying philosophy of a Gentle Teaching foundation and framework,
building upon and expanding from this foundation with a
business/management/training model (Quality-of-Life Model™)
for groups, agencies, or organizations who are providing human
services.
The following chapters celebrate a culture of gentleness and invite
you, as a parent, teacher, caregiver, family, agency, or member
of an organization who is providing support for an Individual or
a group of Individuals, to learn more about Gentle Teaching as
xiv
a presence and practice of unconditional love, and as a mentoring
path for enriching quality of life by developing, with others,
companionship and a sense of community. These are the roots of
belonging that nurture and cultivate social-emotional awareness
and growth.
“Being is our capacity to find our deeper purpose in all
that we do. It is the capacity to be present, and to discover
our authenticity and whole selves. This is often thought
of as an Individual capacity, but it is also a community
capacity. Community is the container
within which our longing to be is fulfilled.”
-Peter Block9
xv
FOREWORD
Gentle Teaching is a philosophy that began evolving in the 1980s
from practical, social work with homeless youth in South America.
As a psychologist, Dr. John McGee went to Brazil to provide intervention
and improvement of lives for a growing number of young people
striving in areas of Brazil, especially in the main cities.
The reality of working together with these marginalized youth began
producing outcomes that demonstrated how a very unhappy and oppressive
situation for these kids could be turned around in order for
them to achieve a better quality of life.
Instead of working with an explicit, systematic strategy, unlike behavior
modification approaches that worldwide practices were modeling
at this time, he implemented a relationship-building approach that
demonstrated unconditional acceptance and presence with compassion.
He identified “our tools” that communicate unconditional love:
hands, eyes, words, presence. In describing the essential aspects of
this approach, he used his education and personal experiences that
worked effectively with others and referred to what he was doing as
Gentle Teaching.
The initial message to the professional world about Gentle Teaching
was that we cannot change other people’s behavior, but in cultivating
companionship and a sense of belonging/community with others, we
xvi
can teach another to feel safe and loved and they can learn ways in
which they can engage in change for themselves, with needed support
that becomes identifiable through relationship-building. With
Gentle Teaching, we learn that quality of life is achievable, even in
the midst of dire circumstances.
What is universally applicable about Gentle Teaching is not only that
it is founded in a psychology based on our interrelated human nature,
but the foundation stems from the importance of loving interactions
in human relations, having respect for one another, and cultivating
companionship with human beings who are living in very different
circumstances.
Understanding and working with Gentle Teaching creates an urge to
find only the best sides of your personality and create the possibility
for finding this in others. Working with others who need us will
always require finding a way to build on mutual understanding, with
a result that benefits the awareness and growth in companionship
and community by both parties. Together we can create something
meaningful that can manifest only in a world that values and deepens
human connections.
Return to Gentleness paves a path for learning all of the foundational
concepts of Gentle Teaching and provides practical knowledge for
understanding how to apply the concepts with a framework of Gentle
Teaching. In the later chapters, Dr. Anthony (Tony) McCrovitz expands
these concepts further by discussing a business model for the human
services industry that “breathes” the philosophy of Gentle Teaching
and a psychology of interdependence. Dr. McCrovitz makes it easy
and understandable for you as the reader.
For many years, I served and supported various social service organizations
in Denmark and Scandinavia. In 1991, I became the managing
director for Denmark’s largest institution, The Village of Solund,
xvii
mentoring 750 staff members within this organization that serves people
with severe handicaps. In the early years of my work at Solund, I
was invited to represent my country in a leadership role, along with
colleagues from Sweden, Holland, Japan, and the United States. A
project had begun in Japan that was assembling thought leaders from
these countries, who assembled in Japan with the goal of sharing and
discussing a better way (other than a behavior modification approach)
of working with people who were very difficult to connect with in a
meaningful way. This is where I met Dr. John McGee and how I got
involved with Gentle Teaching. In 2010, I became the founding chairman
of Gentle Teaching International. John and I organized a Board
of Directors, of which Anthony became a member. For five years, I
served as the board’s president.
When I first met my friend Anthony, he was working with John in
Puerto Rico. We all continued supporting John and each other in
our practice of Gentle Teaching. Since that time, I have joyfully been
working with Anthony in many countries, on almost all continents.
He combines his interpersonal skills and theoretical knowledge with
much practical experience, resourcefulness for supports and effective
solutions, and extensive knowledge of business operations and
administration.
He is able to quickly and genuinely relate to the Individuals he works
with, even when language is a barrier. Our tools of Gentle Teaching
incorporate a “hands-on” approach and create connections with a
universal language, helping to bridge challenges that can arise due to
missing language abilities.
It is good to experience that human relations are always at the core
of all of our efforts, no matter where we are, interacting with others
in the world, no matter what culture or religion. Anthony’s agency
in Indiana (Globe Star) was established with Gentle Teaching as the
main understanding for all of the work that is done and the services
xviii
that are provided. He and his staff practice building and expanding
from the foundation of Gentle Teaching.
The principles of Gentle Teaching are rooted in a psychology of human
interdependence, that focuses on the whole being—mind, body,
and spirit—not just observable behavior, but also the inner nature of
the human condition. It focuses on the marginalized person as well
as the caregiver. It is a process that breaks us from the chains of control
through a coming together with those who are marginalized. It
brings us and others into a process of solidarity, but it needs to begin
with us.
This is what Anthony writes about in this book. It can help you better
understand Gentle Teaching, but also it can help you see through
some of the barriers you might be experiencing in your own daily
routines. It can give you the courage to accept your own feelings,
stimulate your abilities, and make you more self-assured in relating to
others and cultivating relationships.
For many, Gentle Teaching is common knowledge, or, as John McGee
formulated it: “Although Gentle Teaching is common sense, it sometimes
seems to be the lesser used of all our senses.”
This book offers practical knowledge about Gentle Teaching and its
applications that enrich quality-of-life outcomes. The discussions
bring much value to the dialogue about marginalized human beings,
human services, and providers who are cultivating a compassionate
practice and approach to those we serve.
Maurits Eijgendaal
24 March 2020, Denmark
President of International (S)-MSE Association (isna-mse.org); former president
of Gentle Teaching International and co-founder with John McGee of its Board of
Directors
1
C H A P T E R
1
INVITING COMPANIONSHIP
AND COMMUNITY, Four Pillars of
Gentle Teaching that we learn and live
by: safe, loved, loving, engaged
What is companionship?
“Companionship is a sense of connectedness. Connectedness to
others is the center of the human condition.” -Dr. John McGee
The foundation for one’s self-perception and sense of “I AM” existence
is linked to social-emotional connections (or disconnections
that distort one’s self-perception), created with the gift of companionship.
We learn how to be and become human from other human beings.
This is the cultural nature of human development that is shaped
by our interactions with one another and by how we are able to experience
a sense of belonging.
Mentoring a spirit of gentleness teaches about companionship and
that it is safe to trust and engage in mentoring processes that cultivate
one’s foundation of self-perception. This is a primary goal of Gentle
Teaching. It is a social vision for perceiving and expanding connectedness
within oneself and within one’s community, resonating from
the center of the human condition.
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Mentoring a spirit of gentleness creates meaningful dialogue (verbal and
non-verbal) that values the other and invites their response and engagement.
Mentoring moments and steps of discovery teach one how to feel
safe, loved, loving, and engaged. These Four Pillars of Gentle Teaching
lay the foundation for self-perception and sense of belonging, then build
on and expand from this foundation. Moments become milestones and
new moral memory, supporting positive growth in awareness and learning
that is fundamental to social-emotional development.
With a framework of GentleTeaching, the social fabric of our interactions
is shaped with an understanding and application of these Four Pillars
through mentoring: How do we value? How do we teach? How do we
protect? How does an Individual reciprocate the value of our teaching?
This is especially beneficial when working with those who feel isolated
and separated. How can we communicate and become a “safe”
presence and hope to create a connection with this person? We begin
by taking steps that create trust and open the door, by presenting the
invitation for this person to respond, to become engaged, to make a
connection with us.
Both verbal and non-verbal elements of companionship open doors
of understanding and let us reflect more about who we are as a
community of interdependent, social beings. These openings for
reflection and assimilation invite connectedness and a sense of
community.
The relationship-building dynamics of companionship, based on mutual
respect and developing trust, lay the foundation with what is essential
for social-emotional awareness and growth. The mentoring
environment invites and cultivates natural curiosity and ability for discovery
and awareness, for responding and reciprocating. When effectively
used as a relationship-building vehicle, companionship teaches
about trust and what it means to feel safe and loved. When this is in
INVITING COMPANIONSHIP AND COMMUNITY
3
place to support an authentic sense of belonging to oneself and with
others (sense of community), possibilities for social emotional development
expand; the basic human need for social connection has been
met, and the mentoring relationship can now cultivate and build upon
this foundational connection for continued growth and awareness.
Inviting Trust, Using Our Tools
“They first see our presence,” John McGee would say. “Here are my
words, and they connect with our eyes; here is my hand.” Our tools
are our hands, our eyes, our words, and our presence. It’s important
to have an understanding of what is being communicated and conveyed
through the use of our tools. With these, we construct and incorporate
both verbal and non-verbal dialogue, building the relationship
and engaging, together, in the mentoring and learning processes.
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A practitioner of Gentle Teaching comprehends the vast potential for
intended and unintended messages and is aware of the impact our
hands, eyes, words, and presence can make, simply by how we are
using our tools and the innumerable ways we communicate. Being
aware of how and what we might be communicating through our
interactions and understanding how our communications create interpretive
meaning for another, gives the Gentle Teaching practitioner
a task of mindfulness about using our tools.
The pedagogy for teaching the four main lessons of Gentle Teaching
(safe, loved, loving, engaged), is communicated and formed through
the use of our tools, unfolding through companionship and expanding
with a sense of community.
Companionship develops as we create meaning and build a collaborative
relationship. Understanding how we use our tools is an integral
part of a Gentle Teaching practice. Our tools cultivate connections,
communicating and developing meaning that affects the quality and
integrity of the model. Keeping in mind how we are using our tools,
we begin creating the invitation.
Being aware of the dynamic aspects of the social-emotional environment,
we begin setting the foundation of safe and loved. By using our tools for
communicating, we are inviting the person to feel unconditionally accepted
and trusting, as we, ourselves, prepare to engage in the developmental
processes for this journey together. Trust becomes discoverable
through elements of companionship that value the person and create
growing room, cultivated with meaningful dialogue and interaction.
Initiating a sense of companionship is the first step toward opening the
door of possibilities for the journey. This point of departure, in the direction
of Gentle Teaching, begins when trust, sometimes very slowly,
opens the door.
INVITING COMPANIONSHIP AND COMMUNITY
5
Trust is the key connection for cultivating companionship. It is an
essential quality for building the relationship and creating new moral
memory. Trust prepares the foundation for mentoring a culture of
gentleness and teaching the Four Pillars.
“Until I can risk appearing imperfect in your eyes, without fear
that it will cost me something, I can’t really learn from you.”
-Rudolf Dreikurs
Austrian psychiatrist and educator Rudolf Dreikurs was referring to the parent/child
relationship with these words, but he is emphasizing the critical
importance of trust becoming established, as this prepares the foundation
for relationship-building and effective learning. His statement very much
relates to a practice of Gentle Teaching and the conditions for a learning
environment that invites engagement in the learning processes.
Developmental psychologist Erik Erikson (1902-1994), well-known for
his psychosocial model and insights into social-emotional development
as a life cycle, also emphasizes “trust” as the foundational stage
for social-emotional development and connects success in this stage
with “the virtue of hope.”10
Trust plants the seed for a culture of hope. A journey without trust
lacks meaning and value, functioning as rote or mechanical movement.
“The first stage of social-emotional development is Trust vs.
Mistrust. Is the world a safe place or is it full of unpredictable events
and accidents waiting to happen?”11
TRUST is the beginning of awareness and growth and listening for
one’s authentic voice. Establishing trust creates a sense that anticipates
a path of discovery for beginning or continuing the navigation
of a journey. Hope, taking root in the foundation of trust, holds the
promise of new beginnings or of a new life chapter that, together, can
develop a narrative for feeling safe and loved.
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We are ready. We’ve asked ourselves, “How am I using each of my
tools to help the Individual feel safe and loved?” We observe and reflect
from their perspective. “How might this Individual feel, or not
be feeling, safe and loved? What does it look like? And what does it
mean to do things with the Individual, to do things together?”
In the practice of Gentle Teaching, we, as mentors, become engaged
in a “mutual change” process with those whom we serve.
“The central care giving intention of Gentle Teaching is to focus
on a mutual change process leading to companionship
and community.” -Dr. John McGee
How does this “mutual change process” begin?
Like the ripples created by a pebble dropped into a body of water, the
journey outward begins with our own immersion into the vision and
processes generated by an engaged framework of Gentle Teaching.
Movement upon the static surface raises questions.
Our own commitment to action precedes our interaction and the invitation
we create for a person. This affects broad aspects of community that
are not always directly related, but are, in fact, interrelated with our initial
commitment and willingness to act. Elements of change may require
a navigational shift from a surface or status quo vision toward one that
returns and rebalances human value and meaning to the person and to
the community. Commitment is about being dedicated to the mentoring
processes, learning who the other is and becoming instrumental in
developing, with them, an authentic and dynamic narrative script. One’s
narrative continues to be updated as the person’s life continues to unfold.
INVITING COMPANIONSHIP AND COMMUNITY
7
The mentor12
fulfills the initial “call to action” by creating an invitation.
This act of gentleness is inviting trust, the key for opening up the
potential growth for companionship; the foundational relationshipbuilding
element that holds the promise of Gentle Teaching: to be
and to experience throughout one’s life, feeling safe and loved, led by
companionship and community.
The journey begins with me and my willingness to venture into some
uncharted territory, learning and trusting the processes and navigating
the framework of possibilities. The mentoring role is one of valuing,
teaching, and protecting, with acts of gentleness.
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Acts of gentleness address the deep issues of social justice that fray
and tear the social fabric, calling into action each person’s human
capacity to model mutual respect for diversity, equality, and the preservation
of human dignity.
In its scope of a social vision, the philosophy of Gentle Teaching adheres
to precedents that reiterate the United Nations’ proclamation
in 2013 “to promote happiness as a universal goal and aspiration
in the lives of people around the globe,”13
and achieving the positive
dimension of a mental health standard set by the World Health
Organization as of 2014: “Health is a state of complete physical,
mental and social well-being and not merely the absence of disease
or infirmity.”14
Mentoring processes within a framework of Gentle Teaching develop,
with and for this person, a structure of belonging. In social-emotional
development, intrinsic learning begins with having a sense of belonging.
Collaborative relationship-building with GentleTeaching develops
elements of companionship and creates a sense of community.
The objectives of Gentle Teaching are to live and learn by the teaching
of four main lessons: to feel safe; to feel loved; to be loving; to
become engaged. The outcomes of Gentle Teaching use a social wellbeing
approach to assess quality of life. As an approach to research,
social well-being is one of four internationally recognized states of
human existence that measure human development and fulfillment.
INVITING COMPANIONSHIP AND COMMUNITY
9
A social well-being approach compares a person’s quality of life to
“the nature and quality of the relationship of a person to the society in
which he or she lives. This goes beyond an examination of social relationships,
social networks, personal relationships and other psychosocial
indicators,”15
says author Michael Bach, who discusses three main
elements for social well-being: “(1) People should be self-determining
with respect to their life plans, able to make choices about what will be
significant in their lives and about how they will go about living out their
lives; (2) To realize one’s life plan, certain conditions must be met, such
as basic human rights, needed goods and services and responsibilities to
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others; (3) Viewing justice as an attribute of society and its institutions; a
life plan cannot be conceived as separated from social justice.”16
“If we do not formulate our questions from the standpoint of
justice, we run the risk of entrenching and justifying, through
quality-of-life research, the immense injustices people with a
developmental disability face in society today.”17
Gentle Teaching is not about more work or different work, but a different
approach to our work of adding value and meaning to a social
well-being approach, using dialogue (verbal and non-verbal) for the
development of narrative and the cultivating of an attainable and sustainable
quality of life.
Unconditional love means unconditional acceptance. This is the cornerstone
of a Gentle Teaching framework. The four “pillars,” or life
lessons, teach this. With elements of companionship, we can teach a
person how to feel safe and how to feel loved.
As stated in the foreword, the social vision of Gentle Teaching is “to
value every human being as whole of mind/body/spirit.” This affirmation
of our human nature is from the common ground of spiritual
traditions and a key tenet of a psychology of interdependence.
A mentor’s engaged processes model a Gentle Teaching philosophy
and guide the navigation of a GentleTeaching framework, from which
the relationship-building journey emerges. In a mentoring role, ongoing
self-assessment and self-reflection increase competence, strengthen
mentoring skills, and add value to the dialogue and the developing
of one’s unique narrative.
With an application of the knowledge and underlying principles of
the conceptual framework, the patterns of safe, loved, loving, and
INVITING COMPANIONSHIP AND COMMUNITY
11
engaged shape social interactions, weaving together the social fabric
of companionship and community.
“The social fabric of community is formed from an expanding, shared
sense of belonging. It is shaped by the idea that only when we are
connected and care for the well-being of the whole, that a civil and
democratic society is created.”18
The Substance of Social Fabric
Gentle Teaching interactions “connect and care for the wellbeing
of the whole.”
Unconditional acceptance underlies the message and meaning
of all that is communicated with our hands, eyes, words,
and presence (our tools).
The Four Pillars (safe, loved, loving, engaged) supply a network
of connectivity that creates context and new meaning,
shaping an alternative social vision.
For meaningful interactions, elements of companionship become
the channels for communicating and connecting, and
for self-assessing and aligning our goals with a framework of
Gentle Teaching.
Interactions alternate patterns of conversation and shared
meaning, threading the social fabric with filaments that become
the substance of design and structure of community.
Within social structures that promote social services for community
enrichment, by way of programs, policies, public amenities, and improvements,
the fact endures that the forming and shaping of the social
fabric itself becomes the necessary, interwoven fulfillment and
shaping of a social vision within the heart of community.
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Cultivating one’s capacity for social-emotional development is primarily
created through one’s opportunities for personal choices, for
social interaction and then integration of the social-emotional self.
When these natural processes of human development are obstructed
or interrupted (by oppression, ignorance, cultural bias, isolation, etc.),
the very threads that can weave a community together, instead, loosen
the social structure. Patterns of integrity become obscured, developing
remnants, loose threads, unfinished seams, and plenty of tears.
With the collaborative relationship-building processes of Gentle
Teaching, trust and elements of companionship work with aspects of
value and meaning that hold true to safe, loved, loving, and engaged.
These feeling states of being human (safe and loved), work together
with the natural inclinations of one’s social-emotional nature, creating
meaningful connections that cultivate each one’s capacity for
becoming human (loving and engaged).
Alfred Adler, considered to be the grandfather of humanistic psychology,
proposed that “social interest, and consequently mental health,
can only be attained with success in the three basic tasks of life: work,
love, and social interaction. Adler strongly disagreed with his precursors
and peers (such as Freud) because his theory revolved around the
notion that one has control over one’s life.”19
Adler is speaking to the intrinsic motivation in human development;
to each one’s natural longing to fulfill potentials by belonging to
oneself. This becomes learned and known through the experiencing
of companionship and community (social interaction). Looking
at the three basic tasks of life (work, love, social interaction), he
illustrates the context for our interactive environments where we become
rooted and from which we experience impressions and form
perceptions.
INVITING COMPANIONSHIP AND COMMUNITY
13
While we may perceive ourselves as being separate from the interconnected
web of humanity, we are not. But obstacles, obstructions,
and restrictions can certainly give us the feeling that we are. This is
why it is important to begin with feeling safe and loved; with one’s
foundation of social-emotional development, where value and meaning
(true learning) are discovered and cultivated.
How we see ourselves in relation to others, and how we perceive others
in relation to what we feel we understand of ourselves, is a determining
factor for how we set ourselves up for successful engagement/
outcomes with what Adler spells out as the three basic tasks of life
We hold in our hands and in our eyes, and carry in our words and our
presence, the ingrained patterns of who we are and the shaping of our
perceptions and views. With the very fibers of our being, interactions
shape the social fabric, establishing cultural value and meaning in
design, structure, and language. Are we engaging in a culture of nonviolence?
A culture of gentleness? A culture of hope?
A practice of Gentle Teaching creates meaningful context for encounters
and interactions by incorporating elements of companionship.
“Creating a context” is like setting the stage or setting the table, inviting
presence and possibilities to unfold, using repeatable patterns
that identify a basic structure that belongs to an ongoing story.
Developing narrative for a person’s life allows for the integration of
one’s self-determined voice to have value and meaning in the community.
The documented writing of one’s narrative script is the setting
for one’s quality of life and invitation to the community for their presence
and engagement with the open-ended narrative.
This “setting” relates to the social-emotional environment that is an
important, cultural aspect of social interactions. A Gentle Teaching
environment nurtures an aspect of human life that cultivates quality
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of life, placing value with the person in his/her time and place, and
utilizing their setting as an invitation for presence and for creating
meaningful moments that mentor gentleness through elements of
companionship.
A social well-being approach is evident within a framework of Gentle
Teaching. Persons with disabilities are presented with choices for
exploring options that affect quality of life. Learning to feel safe and
loved, and then becoming loving and engaged with others in collaborative
decision-making, cultivates interdependency. This is also
a testament to social justice, reflected in the values of a community.
From individual and family units (that may or may not seek community
resources and support), to what looms beyond signatures and documentation
of paper or digital movements that shuffle back and forth
between a person and a policy, or between an organization’s mission
and its administrative tasks, are real human interactions, weaving the
threads of social signals and exchanges of communication (both verbal
and non-verbal) as the social fabric. From the most subtle to the
most pronounced, each interdependent unit represents a part of what
a whole society embodies in its social vision. Each unit affects and becomes
affected by the community conversations; what is accepted or
rejected as the vision for interaction and dialogue at every level.
In the writings of Peter Block, what becomes so very clear is how important
the underlying structure of dialogue is within a culture. This is
the underpinning of context for the social vision that is experienced
through the ongoing formation of community.
Context shapes the styles and conditions for dialogue, producing outcomes
that either destroy or restore an authentic sense of community.
“The context that restores community is one of possibility, generosity,
and gifts, rather than one of problem-solving, fear, and retribution.”20
INVITING COMPANIONSHIP AND COMMUNITY
15
Engaging in the practice and processes of a GentleTeaching framework
repositions our thinking from behavioral demands and conditional acceptance
to a relationship-building foundation of mutual respect and
unconditional acceptance. This perception shifts the basis for dialogue
to one that invites social inclusion and possibilities for learning.
In every moment of our lives, social fabric is created by threads of
shared impressions, thoughts, feelings, ideas, commentary, opinions,
impressions, and the list goes on. These “threads” are interchangeably
woven through human interactions, pinning the roots of culture to a
society. The nature, value, and capacity of community life expands or
diminishes, according to valuing or devaluing approaches to our interactions.
How we come to see the meaning and value of these moments
is how we adjust our point of reference and create our social vision.
Social fabric is a self-portrait of collective outlooks and attitudes a community
holds toward one another within a culture. A culture of gentleness adds
to, mends, and strengthens, directly, the social fabric of Individual lives,
and indirectly, the social fabric and quality of life within the community.
Outcomes created by patterns of human development and social
perception, individual discernment of personal value, and what becomes
experienced as meaningful and purposeful for one’s life (or as
meaningless and void), all contribute to forming the collective and
lasting cultural impressions and recollections of a whole society.
Today is tomorrow’s history lesson. Today is a present possibility for
making a difference in how our own cultural stories will unfold and
become told.
Gentle Teaching shapes a social perspective that values feeling safe,
feeling loved, being loving, and becoming engaged in companionship
and community, offering a sustainable vision for the future and,
at the same time, creating a culture of hope.
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Creating a culture of hope develops a social formation for moving in the
direction of unconditional acceptance, a compassion toward humanity.
“Our gift in the act of care giving is the creation of companionship
and the formation of community.” -Dr. John McGee
The Four Pillars: What We Need to Know
As we practice the Four Pillars of Gentle Teaching, we demonstrate,
for this person, unconditional acceptance of who (s)he is, teaching
him/her how to feel safe and loved, loving, and engaged.
The premise for understanding how to teach and develop companionship
is found in these four lessons that indicate the objectives for
our interactions. These pillars support social-emotional awareness
and growth by cultivating meaning and value, essentially creating
new moral memory with the Individual.
We focus on present and future possibilities; how to bring one’s
awareness of their feelings into present experience and quality of life,
identifying and developing the dialogue that explores possibilities for
their engagement. Mentoring gentleness brings together the principle,
practice, and promise of Gentle Teaching, by cultivating a meaningful
direction for quality of life, which unfolds through the discovery and
development of self-determination.
The four lessons of GentleTeaching are learned through elements of companionship,
the relationship-building material that explores possibilities
for meaningful moments to become created through social interaction.
Feeling safe means teaching the person to feel safe with us.
Feeling loved and supported means teaching the person to be unconditionally
loved and supported by us.
Feelings that are loving and receptive teach the person to feel
INVITING COMPANIONSHIP AND COMMUNITY
17
loving and receptive toward us and also toward themselves and becoming
able to express this.
Feelings that intrinsically motivate an Individual to become engaged
teach the person to feel the value of engaging with us and with
the community.
The Four Pillars establish the context of value and meaning for relationship-building
dialogue. Mentoring processes cultivate companionship
and community with others, addressing and valuing one’s
intrinsic motivation for social-emotional learning. This awareness of
‘self’ engaged in learning processes is an essential component of social-emotional
development. Intrinsic motivation integrates learning
with self-determination, creating and reconstructing social fabric.
What is “Community”?
“Community is a gathering of gifts.” -Dr. John McGee
Companionship serves as an inclusive, collaborative centering of
each person’s gifts within the community. Gentle Teaching demonstrates
the loving nature of our humanity that serves to create a “new
context that gives greater impact to the ways we work to make our
communities better,” Peter Block teaches, considering how “the history,
buildings, economy, infrastructure, and culture are products of
the conversations and social fabric of any community.”21
Community is about mutually dependent relationships between objects
or subjects of a group that exist on common ground, sharing equal value
or footing. This fits the premise for Gentle Teaching with an understanding
that, regardless of cultural, political, social, biological, or economic
background, we remain together in the common ground of being members
of one, inclusive human race. Each “unit” or person is a whole
“part” of the community; each one represents an aspect of every one,
existing in unity. As a community and society, we remain interdependent
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in our potentially transformative nature which, through community life,
substantiates and ingrains the cultural fabric and invites the social vision.
At the community level, there are abuses of protection. Sometimes
our rights are violated by others who claim their action was necessary
to protect us. But the most common abuse occurs when we claim
we are protecting vulnerable people, especially children, and people
who are disabled or mentally ill. The consequence of this protection
is usually isolation or segregation – too often justified as protecting
them from dangers within the community.
The paradox of isolation or segregation is that vulnerability lends itself
to victimization and abuse in worse ways than one might have
experienced outside of the protective system. We are possibly creating
segregation if we designate a special place for Individuals that is
away from the community, even though our intent may only be to
protect them. All of the elements and differing aspects of environment
need to be carefully weighed out, considering how each aspect
will support an Individual’s life with companionship and a sense of
community. These decisions impact the coherence and dynamics of
a person’s life, and we must be vigilant with our presence in ensuring
that each person can exercise their freedoms and cultivate companionships,
feeling the welcome and invitation to interact with others.
Granted, there are some physical dangers and social threats outside of
the protected space. However, the cost of life in a protected space is
the absence of many of the relationships and opportunities that make
life worth living for most of us. Indeed, it is being able to go outside
this protected space that many people feel is the meaning of freedom.
There is a genuine dilemma. We all need protection as well as community
and freedom. However, to be vulnerable often means we
are led to accept protection rather than community and freedom – a
choice no one should have to make.
INVITING COMPANIONSHIP AND COMMUNITY
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In his writings that include Becoming Human, Community and Growth,
and An Ark for the Poor: The Story of L’Arche, JeanVanier, takes a practical
look at this dilemma.Vanier draws from his own experiences of sharing
life with and advocating for people with developmental disability.
“When we love and respect people, revealing to them their
value, they can begin to come out from behind the walls that
protect them.”22
-Jean Vanier
“To work for community is to work for humanity.”23
JeanVanier
A psychology of interdependence affirms that human beings are social
beings and each needs to perceive and experience belonging to
a safe and caring community.
How is this sense of belonging created for a person? By creating
meaningful dialogue and activities that provide encouragement and
invite community engagement. These positive experiences support
feeling safe and loved.
Being able to learn about feelings, and how to feel safe and loved
through the social interaction of companionship, can potentially and
most likely lead one to feel a sense of belonging and experience the
feeling of being unconditionally accepted.
Al Condeluci, author of Interdependence: The Route to Community,
and a leader in teaching and speaking about human services and
community issues, reflects on what creates a sense of belonging:
“What is it that signals inclusion? How do you know when
you belong to a group or culture? What happens in those experiences
when you really feel included? For me inclusion
and belonging boil down to three major themes. These are:
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1.	 Being Acknowledged – This is when people reach out to you
and acknowledge you as a person. Being acknowledged is to
be seen as having something to offer, to be relevant.
2.	 Being Appreciated – Here is when we feel valued to the point
that others care about what we bring to the community
3.	 Being Accepted – To be accepted is to become a part of the
community in a formal way; to be a player.”24
In social-emotional development, a person’s sense of belonging can
develop over the course of time as one interacts with others. A taste of
this can also be experienced in a single, momentary human encounter
with one another. The works of Mother Teresa left us with many
examples of this.
What is or becomes meaningful (or meaningless) in a person’s life is
what leads a person to conclusions about who (s)he is in relation to society.
A person perceives from the scope of their experiential learning.
How does one identify with the community? Does one’s perception of
community point to ways that are validating and promising (being acknowledged,
appreciated, accepted)? What kind of culture is perceived
for community? A culture of helplessness and hopelessness develops
when one is not being acknowledged, appreciated, accepted.
Renowned American sociologist Herbert Blumer (1900-1987) provides
insight for this perspective that links learning with meaning.
He developed a concrete approach for analyzing and understanding
“symbolic interactionism,” the term he gave to the “process of interaction
in the formation of meanings for Individuals.”25
Blumer lists three basic premises for this perspective, which assumes
that degrees of significance or meanings that are formed and interpreted
by Individuals through social interaction:
1.	 “Humans act toward things on the basis of the meanings they
ascribe to those things.
INVITING COMPANIONSHIP AND COMMUNITY
21
2.	 The meaning of such things is derived from, or arises out of,
the social interaction that one has with others and the society.
3.	 These meanings are handled in, and modified through, an
interpretive process used by the person in dealing with the
things encountered.”26
Blumer’s theory is rooted in three principles: meaning, language, and
thought, maintaining that: “These core principles lead to conclusions
about the creation of a person’s self and socialization into a larger
community.”27
How, then, does “a person’s self and socialization” expand into community?
By invitation.
The Invitation to Community Life,
the Structure of Belonging
“Invitation is not only a step in bringing people together. It is
also a fundamental way of being in community. It manifests
the willingness to live in a collaborative way. This means that
a future can be created without having to force it or sell it or
barter for it.”28
Creating a culture of gentleness begins with unconditional love and
acceptance of “who the other is.” This is expressed by our presence
and the invitation we create for this person, inviting him/her to interact
with us and feel a safe and loving connection.
The invitation plants a seed of hope. Our presence encourages trust to
take root and establish the relationship-building foundation for mentoring
gentleness.
Creating an invitation is about creating a sense of welcome, wonder,
and space for another’s presence and engagement, recognizing the
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present moment as one filled with a diversity of gifts that is holding
the space for our possible selves, in solidarity with one another.
The intention for the invitation is to expand the foundation of safe and
loved, to grow in awareness and cultivate possibilities that expand
the structure of belonging with a sense of community.
In returning to gentleness, the mentor’s reflection is: “How am I using
my tools (hands, eyes, words, presence)?” And the question we
continue asking of ourselves is: “How am I saying, doing, creating
dialogue with this person to cultivate the awakening of unconditional
love? How am I cultivating the conditions (using elements of companionship)
that can invite them and create space for them to grow
and learn, to be and to feel, safe and loved?”
Gentle Teaching is about creating meaning with others, about conveying
unconditional acceptance and inviting curiosity, inquiry, experience,
and response; about shared exploration and discovery that
imparts knowledge and nurtures awareness and the blossoming of
human existence, through the stirring of imagination and the return
to a culture of gentleness.
A framework of Gentle Teaching structures social-emotional pathways
that that support one’s awareness and growth. Mentoring creates
accessibility to opportunities for interactive learning through social
engagement. Social-emotional awareness and growth can occur
as one begins to learn how to feel safe and how to feel loved. The
journey begins with the invitation to trust and become present to the
possibilities of developing companionship. Creating meaningful moments
develops new moral memory, new reference points for creating
connections of value and meaning; bridges of companionship
that invite, encourage, and unconditionally support an Individual’s
self-discovery and social-emotional development.
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C H A P T E R
2
LOOKING AT OURSELVES, increasing our
capacity for servant leadership with a personal
teaching planner, deepening our own, loving
nature with elements of companionship
“If a better society is to be built, one that is more just and
loving, one that provides greater creative opportunity for its
people, then the most open course is to raise both the capacity
to serve and the very performance as servant of existing
major institutions by new regenerative forces operating within
them.”29
(Robert Greenleaf, 1970)
To “regenerate” means to bring into renewed existence; to replace
what is lost or injured.30
In a moral sense, this can be thought of as
reclaiming the nature of our greatest human capacity: to love without
conditions. This is the nature of Gentle Teaching, renewing the conditions
and expanding the capacity of service, perceiving our intrinsic
nature and that of others that can blossom in a trusted, loving environment
that is a culture of gentleness.
Author Robert Greenleaf speaks of this approach as servant leadership.
In providing service, looking at ourselves and our role through
this lens sees the needs of others as central to our own growth, and as
adding value to the community as a whole.
24
RETURN TO GENTLENESS
Self-determination is not being supported for a person’s development
and quality of life unless they feel safe and loved. In a role of servant
leadership, we need to pay close attention to this, to not “rush” the
unfolding of awareness and growth. Like the growing of a garden,
nurturing of the foundation (companionship and community) must
be ongoing for continued growth, providing accessibility for one’s
engagement with developmental processes. The Four Pillars are supported
by this foundation and learned through relationship-building
(aka mentoring a culture of gentleness). We make one’s path accessible
as we take the steps, the journey of learning, together.
We can increase our mentoring capacity through self-reflection.
“What am I learning about this person? What is being valued and
learned by the person I am serving?” How am I developing meaningful
moments and meaningful narrative? How am I connecting, with
them, the threads of their unfolding, authentic story? In what ways can
the fabric of our lives, being created by our journeying with Gentle
Teaching, be woven into community, the structure of belonging?”
Gentle Teaching strives to perceive the heart of what holds value and
meaning. The path for a return to gentleness regenerates the source
of our interdependent structure and formation of community, re-centering
awareness within a unified, social formation; to reconnect with
our intrinsic culture of gentleness and become able to experience a
sense of belonging with others. With the teaching of the Four Pillars,
we are cultivating these paths toward interdependence. In a practice
of Gentle Teaching, interdependence defines the roots of relationship-building,
as well as the scope of mentoring, educational, and
vocational goals for quality-of-life outcomes.
Continuing to enrich our own learning and living, especially as we
work toward increasing our capacity to develop empathy in our work,
can sometimes mean un-learning some adapted styles of communication
and approaches to interactions.
LOOKING AT OURSELVES
25
Looking inward at the source of our own reference points can deepen
our understanding of how certain views and attitudes influence our
awareness, perception, and interactions. From here we can take advantage
of being able to take in more detailed views, discovering
aspects of our nature where there is always room to grow and explore
new possibilities.
Whether our cup31
is half-empty or half-full, we carry the constant
flow of our energies and attitudes, bringing them with us to social settings
and to the table of our interactions. If our cup is brimming with
personal judgment, frustrations, and/or discontent, this energy spills
over into our interactions with others, and seeps into the flow of our
work and our lives.
Looking at ourselves is the first task of caregiving. It begins with us
and our willingness to be aware of who we are in the formation of
community and in our approach to interactions with others. Selfreflecting
on who we are, how we are, and how we communicate
and teach is important preparation for a practice of Gentle Teaching.
“The act of care giving starts by concentrating our efforts
on two initial tasks: (1) eliminating in ourselves whatever
the person might see as domineering, and (2) elevating
our expression of unconditional love to the highest level
possible.”32
(Dr. John McGee)
Elements of Companionship
On a continuum ranging from connected to disconnected, we can
observe our personal style of incorporating elements of companionship
into our interactions with others. Identifying and recognizing
our own style of how we incorporate these elements and communicate,
using our tools, often leads to our being able to notice things in
new ways and become receptive, attuning the language of feelings.
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RETURN TO GENTLENESS
Without sufficient protection for their emotions or feelings, social
beings become especially vulnerable when it comes to interactions
of any kind. Elements of Companionship create connections and
teach a person about trusting the companion; This dynamic cultivates
the foundation and awareness and supports one’s learning
about social-emotional aspects of processing emotions. Through
companionship, one finds direction for navigating the world of
feelings. Using a framework of Gentle Teaching for developing dialogue,
elements of companionship lay the foundation for awareness
and for teaching how to name, tame, and befriend emotions.
In our practice, we focus on the relationship and one’s quality of life by
identifying (naming) what has value and what gives meaning. Through
positive experiences of the mentoring journey, value and meaning for
one’s life is created and cultivated together, developing companionship
and supporting one’s sense of community with the framework of Gentle
Teaching.
For our dialogue (verbal and non-verbal), the framework incorporates ten
elements of companionship for the creating of dialogue and for connecting
successful aspects of relationship-building with meaning and value.
LOOKING AT OURSELVES
27
As we learn to incorporate elements of companionship into our practice,
we grow in our own self-awareness and look more objectively
at ourselves and our role in facilitating the mentoring relationship.
These elements of companionship keep our sails set in the direction
of Gentle Teaching and add value to our navigational skills as we:
1)	 Reflect on how we use our tools and see how, with practice,
this becomes second nature.
2)	 Learn about how to “read” the person; this is about both listening
and interpreting their body language.
3)	 Respond with meaningful dialogue when made aware of
concerns.
4)	 Better understand how and why love is unconditional and not
attached to rewards.
5)	 Acknowledge that the value of human existence is not based
on being a client or a professional, but on being and becoming
human, learning and developing through engagement
and interactions of companionship and community.
6)	 Building the relationship by cultivating and engaging in
meaningful dialogue.
7)	 Understand that the purpose is not to modify one’s behavior,
but to build and expand the foundation of companionship
and community.
8)	 Realize the focus is to be flexible within the mentoring processes
(not rigid).
9)	 Understand the critical importance of creating new moral
memories that invite one’s awareness to expand and form inner
feelings of self-worth.
10)	Learn to communicate clearly with concrete words, instead of
being abstract or unclear with our words.
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Learning “how” to feel safe requires learning how to trust another’s
presence and intent. “Feeling” safe is to feel unconditional acceptance,
right where you are and as you are. Feeling safe leads to learning how
to feel loved, then loving and engaged. “Unless educators engineer the
[individual’s] environment in ways that are meaningful for the [individual],
the [individual] is likely to withdraw emotionally and physically
to the security of ... [his or her] own internal sensation.”33
Feeling safe speaks to our most basic, instinctive nature. In mentoring
a spirit of gentleness, this is addressed as the first pillar of Gentle
Teaching for the relationship-building foundation.
Once the person feels safe and can begin to trust the mentoring process,
the ground for relationship-building can absorb and cultivate
one’s learning of feeling loved, the second pillar.
Feeling “safe and loved” must take root in one’s experience for
this foundation to be set for social-emotional growth. These first
two pillars of “safe and loved” establish the essential foundation
for social-emotional growth and development. The integration of
these two pillars with the relationship-building processes supports
the direction and pattern for the continuous unfolding of one’s
awareness and experience of companionship and community.
In the practice of Gentle Teaching, the role of mentoring is a lot about
understanding the context of our language and how it must always lead
to destinations of safe and loved. A GentleTeaching framework maps out
how a mentor can value, teach, protect, and reciprocate, using their skills
and learning-teaching processes. Self-assessment and self-reflection reveal
insights that help to “translate” the expressive language of feelings
and emotions, aligning with the framework and bringing into view how
elements of companionship give direction to the dialogue.
(See: Addendum 01-Elements of Companionship Reference Sheet)
LOOKING AT OURSELVES
29
A Personal Teaching Planner is a teacher-centered tool that helps us
in accomplishing the ‘two initial tasks’ John McGee identifies for true
caregiving: ‘(1) eliminating in ourselves whatever the person might see
as domineering, and (2) elevating our expression of Unconditional love
to the highest level possible.’ As with every good teaching model, there
needs to be a method for objectively inspecting and aligning the path
and processes of our work. A Personal Teaching Planner partially serves
this purpose, prompting self-reflection and self-assessment to provide
insight for creating acts of gentleness that support our teaching. It helps
to identify our mentoring role with others, through the learning processes
that teach what is “safe and loved, loving and engaged.” In using
a planner, we can map out the goals and destinations for navigating
through a framework of Gentle Teaching, mentoring a spirit of gentleness
and teaching the four main lessons.
Looking at ourselves is a path for self-awareness that supports effective,
collaborative teaching and cultivates accountability in our role
that engages in facilitating mentoring processes.
A Personal Teaching Planner is a valuable tool for planning and navigating
a course of Gentle Teaching with a single Individual or with a
group of Individuals. As we reflect on our approaches to caregiving
and our own style of interacting with others, insights can surface in
our awareness that give us different perspectives, providing us with
alternative choices and possibilities.
In this chapter, Looking at Ourselves works with the first task of
“eliminating in ourselves whatever the person might see as domineering,”
by becoming aware of our mindset and worldview. We become
familiar with elements of companionship and reflect on the value of
our interactions.
Chapter 3, Who the Other Is, focuses on what we learn about our own
capacity to serve, and moves us on to the second task of “elevating
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RETURN TO GENTLENESS
our expression of unconditional love to the highest level possible.”
With a deepening of self-awareness and identifying where and how
we place value in our interactions, we use our tools (hands, eyes,
words, presence) to create new meaning and renewed purpose about
ourselves and our work of getting to know who the other is and developing,
with them, their narrative.
Elements of companionship cultivate inclusion and a sense of belonging.
Weaving these elements into the social fabric of our communications
is acknowledging and valuing one another, teaching unconditional
love. These elements are qualities of our own human nature
and well-being, drawn from our capacity to be a loving presence and
reflection as we interact with others.
As we incorporate elements of human companionship into our interactions,
we become effective in creating acts of gentleness that
acknowledge and appreciate others, and in teaching others how to
feel safe and to feel loved, loving, and engaged.
How does a Personal Teaching Planner provide support for the role
of the mentor? This tool can be functional and customizable to meet
the unique needs of an Individual or group, supporting the mentor’s
own plan for interacting. This planning tool lays out the Four Pillars
of Gentle Teaching and prompts the mentor in visualizing and writing
out the steps a mentor plans to take for cultivating and connecting
the relationship-building foundation with mentoring a spirit of
gentleness.
A mentor’s written plan for relationship-building and teaching the
Four Pillars provides a clear focus, allowing for flexibility, when needed,
without losing sight of the bigger picture that unfolds the steps of
the journey in the direction of Gentle Teaching. We are able to stay
true to the mission and value of where we’re going, while honoring
the Individual’s needs over assigned schedules and tasks.
LOOKING AT OURSELVES
31
Some things can shift, especially as new awareness unfolds and things
are being learned, and that’s to be expected. The mentor’s Personal
Teaching Plan serves as a navigational guide and mapped course for
their teaching of the Four Pillars. Together, with your Individual or
group, continued self-reflection and planning as the journey unfolds,
develops narrative and deepens the value and meaning of your mentoring
and teaching.
Here is an idea of the meaningful notes we write in our Personal
Teaching Planner:
	ƒ Outlined steps for how we will teach the four main lessons
of Gentle Teaching (safe, loved, loving, engaged). For anyone
introducing or implementing Gentle Teaching practices,
for an Individual or for a group, this is a mapping tool
that engages the facilitator in navigating a course of Gentle
Teaching.
	ƒ Guides the alignment of our practice and objectives with the
pillars of the framework, grounded in interdependence, mutual
respect, and unconditional acceptance.
	ƒ Centers the social vision of Gentle Teaching, keeping the focus
on valuing, teaching, and protecting the Individual in his/
her present choices; guides the developing of the dialogue for
quality-of-life outcomes that include a future, possible self.
	ƒ Creates a written document that adds value to your personal
work as a facilitator.
	ƒ Indicates and easily references the facilitator’s personal goals
for protecting this person (or group), and for identifying how
you plan to incorporate practical steps that can be followed
for mentoring the four life lessons of Gentle Teaching.
	ƒ Guides the developing of dialogue and one’s narrative as social
fabric, woven through the framework of Gentle Teaching.
These things remain abstract until we write them out as concrete
steps for how we can make this happen. These pictures
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RETURN TO GENTLENESS
become navigational goals (destinations) for the journey of
gentleness.
Introspection becomes valuable for the processes that shape our perceptions
and shift our perspectives. Navigational guidance of The Planner
serves as an ongoing and present support for the Gentle Teaching companion,
guiding their own vessel or body of knowledge with mindful
presence, relaying the clear message of unconditional acceptance/
love, as elements of companionship become integral to their practice.
“How our interactions are expressed is a very subjective experience
for us and for the vulnerable person. We not only have
to determine how we see them, but also how someone else
interprets them. Our self-examination has to interpret how the
vulnerable person sees us, not just how we see ourselves.”34
-Dr. John McGee
Self-reflection and self-assessment cultivate mindfulness in mentoring
a spirit of gentleness, helping us to re-view our interactions more
objectively and better understand the other person’s feelings and vulnerability.
More than this, being able to clearly convey to the other
person that we are present for them and accept them without conditions
having to be met, is what brings about a connection and the
other person’s sense of trust with this connection.
We can ask ourselves: How does the scope of my work include and
impact others in the community? In my service profession, what standards
for communication and tools for dialogue do I use that contribute
to increasing my capacity as a member of the community, or
do they perpetuate aspects of a social vision that aren’t serving the
human capacity to love without conditions? Do my beliefs and perceptions
have room for the plight of humankind and help me in creating
a place for collaborative conversation and the voices of others?
Am I interacting with others in ways that build mutually beneficial
LOOKING AT OURSELVES
33
relationships and cultivate well-being among members of the community?
Essentially, do my actions work in accordance with my natural
inclination to live and to serve in a loving capacity?
The Planner is a useful tool for expanding the mentor’s social vision
for nurturing companionship and community. As unseen factors and
variables become visible through self-reflection and assessments, a
broader picture can be ascertained. These findings increase our capacity
to identify strengths and vulnerabilities, both in ourselves and
with others, expanding possibilities. Navigating with a Planner gives
a vertical hold for the navigation, indicating routes that can be taken,
particularly if we find ourselves needing to adjust or shift our course.
A leading expert on collaborative and proactive solutions and advocate
for relationship-building interventions, Ross Greene35
teaches
about “changing the lens.” Exercising self-reflection invites us to see
ourselves in a future or greater capacity, and to reframe views of others
by un-seeing them as obstacles or behavior problems. Only then
can we truly begin to focus on the scope of problem-solving and
valuing the person (building community) as we provide new meaning,
guidance, and support for alternative outcomes.
In his writings, McGee discusses some of the conflict that may arise in
changing the lens and concentrating our efforts toward “eliminating
in ourselves whatever the person might see as domineering.” Gentle
Teaching offers a response for working through these moments with
compassion toward ourselves and our greater capacity for relating to
others.
McGee suggests that we think about the types of questions that we
will be confronted with, and that they generally relate to questions of
power and domination. This is simply because it’s an area of vulnerability
in relationship-building, especially if one is providing social
services.
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“Our responses to these questions,” McGee says, “ask us to
focus on human interdependence.”36
Focusing on one’s behavior presents a central challenge to move
away from the habit of teaching through reward and punishment, to
develop a deeper understanding of the human condition and how to
recognize and cultivate feelings of companionship and community.
While we have responsibilities and a free will for making decisions,
moral development evolves from a deeper dimension.
“Without feelings of being safe, being loved, loving others, and engagement,
the question of choice is very secondary. The Individual
cannot make valid decisions without a sense of love toward self and
others.”37
Before we embark on a journey of gentleness, we initiate the invitation
for another, offering something of meaning and value, identifying
or creating something relatable to the person we are serving.
Looking at ourselves cultivates insight for creating the invitation, because
it lets us see with the heart. Becoming aware of how we use
our tools and how we actually communicate meaning and value, we
can ask ourselves: how do I use my tools to teach someone to feel
safe and loved? In what ways am I able to convey value that cultivates
self-worth and a sense of belonging, to feel safe and loved?
By becoming aware of our own mindset, attitudes, and feelings about
our work, and whether we portray our presence as “warm” or “cold”
in our interactions with others, we become able to identify the subtle
elements that influence our communications. We learn to recognize
opportunities for effective mentoring and professional growth.
Throughout the processes, a mentor’s commitment to self-reflection
affects the connections that hold relations together within a community.
Self-awareness evolves into servant leadership and being able to
LOOKING AT OURSELVES
35
focus on the needs of others in a way that truly reflects an inclusive
social vision.
Gentle Teaching proposes a new way of seeing ourselves in our work
and of looking at ourselves from a different vantage point. Applying
a framework of Gentle Teaching to our interactions creates a lens for
perceiving others with whom we work and for whom we provide
services, as being “safe and loved” in an environment of companionship
and community that bears our presence, mentoring a spirit of
gentleness.
What images and opportunities do we, as a culture, create for the
vulnerable Individual who can see and know who they are and who
they might become, only through our eyes? In the global mission of
advocating for better solutions and enriched quality of life for marginalized
Individuals, we ask the questions and invite compassion and
imagination to walk with us on the journey into gentleness, that we
may offer a humane response to the suffering of the world and better
meet the needs of those who are vulnerable and unable to advocate
for themselves.
Self-reflection is a skill we develop for our mentoring practice. This
“key” to self-awareness expands perception, often with the removal
of judgment, assumptions, and other attachments that tend to create
blind spots. Meaningful connections and new possibilities to consider
come into view more readily with this mindful engagement. Selfawareness
expands the mentor’s vision for creating personal goals for
learning and growing, so that they too, can feel valued and loved,
while also planning for how to teach and mentor.
Developing resilience for ourselves is a personal journey. The tool of
a Personal Teaching Planner supports the mapping out of this journey,
especially for our role of teaching and mentoring. In many locations
around the world, there are mentors, consultants, and resources
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available to support your practice of Gentle Teaching. The Planner
will support you in developing skills for relationship-building and
problem-solving, as you make use of the planning processes and applications.
As the steps for teaching and mentoring are planned out,
you position yourself in the direction that will support you in navigating
the journey.
Looking at ourselves and who we are in serving and teaching others,
requires our own awareness (and adaptability) for seeing and understanding
how we can effectively think, plan, and act.
“Learning how people want to live is just the beginning, the
foundation. Helping people have their own lives requires that
we also change —how we think; how we are organized; and
how we act.”38
-Michael Smull
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C H A P T E R
3
WHO THE OTHER IS
“To teach companionship is to help a person learn about his/
her identity— to learn who ‘I’ am by learning who ‘we’ are.”39
-Dr. John McGee
A return to gentleness centers interactions on who the other is, discovering
a path of inquiry, together, for dialogue (verbal and nonverbal).
Discovering, developing, and establishing an accessible
framework for communication/interaction, supports the building of
trust and creating a sense of structure for the journey of learning and
growing together. A sense of structure that is based on unconditional
acceptance of who one is, builds a foundational step for being able
to develop a sense of belonging and community.
The journey of gentleness represents the universal search for meaning
in one’s life. We learn how to become human from observing
and interacting with other human beings. In human development,
the social/emotional “growing room” for this unfolding begins with
unconditional acceptance; with feeling safe and loved.
The process of developing companionship engages one’s social-emotional
awareness and sense of self, inviting trust by assuring unconditional
acceptance as the given value; nothing needs to be proven
or earned. In applying a framework of Gentle Teaching, the mentor/
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companion communicates this and creates an invitation that is reassuring
of unconditional acceptance and that invites engagement.
As one can experience and awaken to unconditional acceptance of
who (s)he is with mutual support/solidarity, awareness can shift and
connect in the varied ways it seeks to find a valued and meaningful
sense of self, and then an expanded sense of self that exists as an interdependent
unity—in community with others. As the sense of self
evolves through companionship and community, genuine forms of
expression become reciprocated (self-determination).
The foundation of the Four Pillars supports growth in social-emotional
awareness. In learning together about who this person is and the
integral aspects that define their self-concept and identify how they
experience quality of life, unique narrative becomes known and can
be developed; one’s story can unfold with coherence and a sense of
connection with who they feel they are. In writing, one’s narrative
can become shared, valued, and sustained within the community.
Developing and writing an Individual’s narrative is a collaborative
venture, not only with the person we are serving, but with others in
the community; it is an act of social justice for people who cannot do
this for themselves without support.
Relationship-building begins with questions: Who is the Other? What
is their life story? What are their strengths, gifts, and vulnerabilities?
The companion creates the invitation, preceded by a deepening of
self-awareness gained through self-reflection and being able to recognize
their own gifts and vulnerabilities.
The companion also has an understanding of elements of companionship,
and how weaving these relationship-building threads through
our interactions give cultural form (meaning and value) to the social
fabric of our lives.
WHO THE OTHER IS
39
Like a teacher preparing for a class, the companion prepares for teaching
the four life lessons (safe, loved, loving, engaged), creates the invitation,
and cultivates the conditions for collaborative learning and
growth. As the foundation becomes established and the relationship
begins to grow, the invitation for engagement continues to unfold.
The companion serves as a role model for how interactions, based
on the philosophy of Gentle Teaching, can be replicated with others;
how connections can continue being made within one’s immediate
circle of influence and then expanded into the broader circle of family,
friends, and community.
Connections that stem from unconditional acceptance of our interdependent,
unified selves strengthen and mend the heart and the social
fabric of our communities.
With an understanding of the principle, practice, and promise of
Gentle Teaching, we construct the framework of relationship-building.
We use our tools to communicate valuing, teaching, protecting,
and reciprocating. We interact with language and dialogue that affirms
and teaches the Four Pillars throughout the mentoring journey,
exploring, discovering, and celebrating who the other is.
In practicing mindfulness, we habitually become receptive to intrinsic
learning and self-realization. This begins with knowing there are things
we don’t know. A Personal Teaching Planner helps to identify and plan
how we will navigate the course with this person, connecting the lessons
with what they value and with what has meaning for them. Every
thread and fragment of a person’s life story has value for learning about
who the other is, about their story and how they connect with it—
about the story they tell themselves about who they are.This is the selftalk/script,
inscribed by the social-emotional self through experiential
learning throughout human development.Through our interaction, this
is the narrative we hope to discover with the person.
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We learn their story as we navigate through the framework, mentoring
a spirit of gentleness. Throughout the journey, we continue to learn,
together, what has value and what gives meaning to one’s experience
of life. In the fabric of life, value and meaning are the golden threads,
piecing together one’s story. Like panning for gold, a framework of
Gentle Teaching helps to sift through all of the sometimes-hardened
memories and jagged edges of storied experience, to reveal what is
intrinsically precious and valued about this person as a human being.
And then, step by step, we discover and create meaning and new
moral memory that invites their engagement and, through dialogue,
provides collaborative access to the development of their narrative.
Each Individual grows and develops at their own pace from their own
place of understanding—and this requires dedication and patience
in a role of mentoring. Having the structural foundation of companionship
maintains what is needed for awareness and awakening, for
curiosity to maybe move a little closer to discovering learning about
a sense of companionship and community, for learning how to feel
safe and loved—-and that there is a place where one can feel a sense
of belonging and be supported in continuing to trust the relationshipbuilding
processes.
As we facilitate dialogue, we learn more about what has value and
how one perceives this value. In moving toward safe and loved destinations,
one’s narrative script and quality-of-life plan, along with our
personal teaching plan, give direction for creating meaningful moments
with this person. We also observe and identify where meaning
and value are blocked or diminished in an Individual’s life. Through
companionship, we become more familiar and confident with the
processes of the journey, and increasingly competent and relaxed in
learning who the other is.
There is no order of sequence in an Individual’s narrative. It is a story
of value and meaning that becomes known by heart. It may begin
WHO THE OTHER IS
41
with blessedness, or it may begin with brokenness. The companion
listens, learns, and loves unconditionally, accepting every aspect of
who this person is. Value and meaning in our lives emerge through
stories; stories that reveal who we are and who the other is. Like
containers that draw water from a well, stories are often drawn from
the depths of our experienced lives; once told, these stories take on
a new formation with the expanding of our shared lives. This is the
formation of community that cultivates well-being and holds the collective
heart of our humanity, moving forward, with imagination and
celebration of new meaning and moral memory.
Identifying what has true meaning for an Individual and nurturing new
moral memory is a critical aspect of journeying with Gentle Teaching.
As was mentioned in the Introduction, Dr. John McGee cautioned
that “self-determination is only meaningful when it is grounded on the
feeling of companionship and feeling connected with a safe and caring
community.” Again, without these feelings, the choices a person
makes can easily be based on fear instead of on inner strength and
the desire to develop potentials.
Creating meaningful moments and cultivating social awareness is integral
to the social vision of Gentle Teaching. Sometimes it is challenging,
especially during times when extrinsic worth becomes the
focus. Elements of companionship cultivate awareness about feeling
loved and feeling at home—having a sense of belonging.
Growing together in awareness can begin to shift the lens of selfperception
and increase opportunities for creating a connection.
Mentoring a spirit of gentleness cultivates mutual awareness and the
discovery and learning of who the other is. The companion focuses
on cultivating the person’s unique voice, facilitating their choices,
learning the nature of their unique signature for describing and developing
the narrative that is their story. Awareness expands each one’s
view and capacity to notice what is obscured by unknowing.
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In becoming receptive to learning about who the other is, the companion’s
role is to mentor a spirit of gentleness, being aware of how
our tools are communicating unconditional acceptance and being
mindful of the four life lessons we want to teach: how to feel safe and
loved, then how to become loving and engaged. The central role of
the companion in learning about who the other is and creating the
invitation, is to establish the conditions/surroundings/dynamics for a
loving environment that can nurture the human longing to feel at
home, while cultivating the feeling of being valued and discovering a
sense of belonging.
Quality-of-Life Values are eight basic areas of need that are universally
acknowledged as essential for growth in social-emotional human
development. With Gentle Teaching, these eight values comprise a
lens through which we can assess quality of life. Working within each
area, we identify one’s strengths and vulnerabilities for weaving together
the social fabric for one’s life. These are the finely spun threads
for the narrative script.
As we weave these threads into meaningful dialogue and narrative
script, meaning and value strengthen the foundation of relationshipbuilding.
Are we building on this foundation, or can we expand, with
others? It’s important to understand the narrative script that is unfolding,
and the privilege we have to write this, to walk this journey
together.
“Caregivers need to be very tuned into the life-story of the person
and the significance and impact of inner vulnerabilities.”40
-Dr. John McGee
Storytelling is basic to our human nature. It is through elements of
narrative that an Individual is able to construct the image and understanding
of who they are and who we are, together, in companionship
and community.
WHO THE OTHER IS
43
Defining quality of life begins with learning the story of an Individual’s
life and looking at the common threads that structure and influence
their present life, particularly in terms of social-emotional learning.
These are the threads that connect an Individual with their sense of
self (who they are) and with others (a sense of community). What
are their vulnerabilities and gifts? Where is the value and meaning?
What tears in the social fabric of their experience can be mended or
become experienced as whole with a new moral memory?
Developing a narrative script is not produced by a system or theory,
but by mindful engagement in the mentoring practices and processes,
as a loving companion, mentoring a spirit of gentleness.
A framework of Gentle Teaching guides the mentoring journey in exploring
and discovering how a person’s authentic sense of self can be
characterized by a narrative “knowing” of this person. This written
narrative is beyond more formal documentation, such as what is written
for a school, state, or agency.
Discovering one’s authentic voice for the structuring and developing
of “true” narrative, transposes mundane movements of daily existence
into more meaningful, purposeful living. Through the shaping
of narrative, a relational structure for a person’s life can be shared and
developed, illustrating a person’s connections with meaningful moments
and rituals, with the things that are valued in their life and in
the experiences that enrich their quality of life.
“Generally speaking, one’s ability to perceive and share their
life story is generally taken on by the person themselves, beyond
one’s parents and family. However, there are those with
disabilities for whom this development can only be achieved
with another’s engagement in their processes for discovery
and narration, and with the development of open communication,
whereby others are able to contribute to the telling
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of their story and participate in the unfolding of their lifelong
narrative… ‘[these children] will never wholly become the
writer of their biography and in the case of a severe disability
not at all.”41
“A narrative script” is different from “a story” that has a beginning and
an end and that is narrated (or read) by one person. A narrative is a
shareable script, constructed as an open-ended, unfolding story that
invites the participation and interpretation of many; it invites companionship
and community. A narrative ethic is interested in the history of
the future—the possibilities of where the story can go and how it can
unfold, identifying guideposts on the present path, informing dreams
and forming goals for sustainable, quality-of-life outcomes.
A narrative ethic establishes groundwork for choices, based on the
person’s preferences and what becomes known about their gifts and
vulnerabilities.
A return to gentleness is a journey of reclamation, an awakening of
one’s inherent sense of belonging and the discovery of “feeling at
home” with others. The companion relationship with the other serves
as a bridge for rewriting and reworking an Individual’s script as it relates
to quality-of-life values. New moral memory redirects the story,
so it can be told according to what is learned together about what has
value and meaning for this person.
A Personal Teaching Planner is a mapping tool for navigating the journey
of learning more about who we are in our mentoring role and
reflecting on who the other is. Referring to one’s quality-of life plan,
we are writing our own personal plan for how we will interact, teach,
and protect. This brings our work into focus and promotes our awareness
of the mentoring processes that lead our shared discovery of
what has value and what can have more meaning in this person’s life.
WHO THE OTHER IS
45
“One’s destination is never a place, but rather a new way of
looking at things.” -Henry Miller, 1957
We can reflect on the goals indicated in one’s quality-of-life plan
and expand on these as we write our personal teaching plan, developing
the narrative script. Navigating each destination includes
creating objectives for teaching and an overview for relationshipbuilding
dialogue. The dialogue is determined by whatever lessons
are being focused on with this person that teach about safe, loved,
loving, and engaged. Mentoring gentleness is valuing, teaching,
protecting, and reciprocating with the Individual.
The tool of a teaching planner supports the caregiver’s part of the
learning processes for navigating the mentoring journey with the
Individual. The caregiver is creating, with elements of companionship,
the conditions that cultivate and “set” the learning environment
for teaching the Four Pillars of Gentle Teaching. Planning (including
self-reflection) and preparing interactions for mentoring gentleness
and teaching the four lessons, assist the caregiver in staying on course
with basic mentoring goals for the learning processes: valuing (how
we use our tools and incorporate elements of companionship), with
our plans for teaching and protecting, and with keeping long-term
goals in sight for reciprocal relationship-building.
Mentoring a spirit of gentleness is the heart of our work to teach the
Four Pillars of Gentle Teaching. Learning processes and interactions
invite the caregiver to see “who the other is” and invite the Individual
to see themselves as they are, being and becoming human by learning
how to feel safe, loved, loving, and engaged.
How do we discover what we don’t know? By identifying the eight
quality-of-life values and paying attention to disconnected values
within the human story.
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An Individual’s narrative script relays their story about value: what is
influential, memorable, and significant about this person and to this
person—what (s)he likes and dislikes; what are their dreams and what
are their goals? Who can they become and how can they participate
in meaningful ways for their own life?
Creating a narrative for the telling of their story creates “a wave” for
their future self. We can plan for the future in the same way that we
might plant and cultivate a garden. How we think, act, and plan42
today gives direction and momentum to tomorrow’s quality-of-life
outcomes.
In addition to developing a quality-of-life plan for the Individual, a
Quality-of-Life Model provides a Personal Teaching Planner for the
mentor. This planning tool is integral to the mentoring process for
mapping out dialogue and details for quality-of-life destinations, essentially
creating a navigational plan that utilizes imagination, creates
structure for integrating the social vision, and possibilities for
meaningful engagement and expansion in quality-of-life planning.
Quality of Life (QOL) refers to the overall quality of daily experiences
that are defined, according to the World Health Organization, in terms
of happiness and contentment, health and well-being. While these
experiences are subjective and assimilated differently from person to
person, each Individual can be supported and encouraged to develop
a recognition and sense of awareness about their own inherent and
legally protected right to determine and have access to supports that
provide meaning and value for human health and well-being.
Quality of Life Assessments are helpful in identifying, with a person,
the significant events and patterns that have shaped their feelings and
defined their life experience, and the functioning elements (including
lagging skills43
) of their underlying social-emotional dynamics. These
assessments provide “clues” for discovering and connecting what has
WHO THE OTHER IS
47
(or has lost) value and meaning. These indicators begin to tell the
story and help us in uncovering and developing a narrative, as we
relate and contemplate what is learned about the person, to specific
areas of human value.
Quality-of-Life values are universal, human values that are recognized
as essential areas of need for the dignified preservation and
potential development of human lives.
In mentoring a spirit of gentleness with a Quality-of-life Model, we
work with eight universal quality-of-life values for creating a foundation
of feeling safe and loved and for discovering and developing,
with the person, their potential for community life, work life,
and mentoring life. These eight values are: bodily integrity, feeling
safe, feeling self-worth, a life with structure, sense of belonging,
social participation, meaningful daily activities, and inner contentment.
These values reflect human interdependence and address
the necessary areas of social-emotional growth for independence.
A Quality-of-life Model of services begins with assessing an
Individual’s quality-of-life values, both past and present elements
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and conditions of one’s quality of life, and then assessing the roles of
those who are supporting and interacting with this person who is the
recipient of support and/or services.
The Quality-of-Life Values Assessment provides the foundation for a
support plan (aka a Quality-of-Life Plan). It provides indicators and
a direction to take for improving quality of life. This is a daily plan
that will be followed with the person for whom we are providing
support and/or services. Acts of Gentleness cultivate unconditional
valuing for supporting the four primary goals that are the pillars of
Gentle Teaching. First, teaching the person to feel safe with us; second,
teaching the person to feel engaged with us; third, teaching the
person to feel unconditionally valued by us; and finally, teaching the
person to reciprocate unconditional valuing to us. It is these four outcomes
that will nurture a sense of companionship and community. As
we teach these four goals, we document the Individual’s experiences
for the development of their narrative.
Services based on a Quality-of-life Model mentor a spirit of gentleness
and guide others in personal growth and in achieving a quality
of life (with help or necessary supports) that cultivates companionship,
contentment, interdependence, and a sense of community.
A Quality-of-life Model applies the principles and practices of Gentle
Teaching and supports each person’s right to define and integrate personal
and cultural values into their daily life. These values become
evident in the curating of an Individual’s narrative script.
Incorporating these quality-of-life values within a framework of
Gentle Teaching establishes the contextual structure of language for
creating teaching plans, meaningful interactions, and writing narrative.
For the mentor, this practice guides their learning and understanding
of “who is the other.” Identity and self-determination
unfold through the mentoring processes that let us learn, alongside
WHO THE OTHER IS
49
the other, what matters to them and why it matters, and how it is
meaningful.
Mentoring a culture of gentleness works with and through the exploring
and restructuring of social-emotional patterns; assimilated tendencies
that weave one’s foundational fabric for clothing the self in
all its aspects. Before any true learning can occur, a person’s sense of
self, the very foundation of who one conceives and perceives themselves
to be, must feel safe and loved!
This is a return to gentleness, a return to the heart of our humanity. It
is learning about companionship through relationship-building that
models and mirrors this foundational, unified (interconnected) structure
from which interdependency can manifest. Social-emotional
awareness and growth is rooted in social interconnectivity—the weaving
of social fabric, in ourselves, in our lives, and in our communities.
With self-awareness, one becomes receptive to other-awareness and
experiencing a sense of community. With the expansion of one’s selfconcept,
new possibilities for creating value and meaning can unfold
through processes that mentor a spirit of gentleness.
As one becomes aware of the different aspects of the self (i.e., selfworth,
self-esteem, self-determination), one becomes more receptive
to new connections being made, allowing for the cultivating of meaningful
moments and the blossoming of the “self.” Through relationship-building,
mentoring a spirit of gentleness invites the Individual
to become connected and rooted in a “safe and loved” foundation,
grounded in social-emotional growth. This growth in self-awareness
naturally creates, too, a culture of hope, allowing one to perceive
possibilities and potentials for what Jean Vanier describes as being
and becoming human.44
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C H A P T E R
4
BECOMING CONNECTED, a sense
of belonging, feeling “at home”
Each Individual’s longing to “feel at home” within themselves and
within the world is the universal, human hunger for connectedness,
for a sense of belonging. This is basic to the human condition, driving
internal dialogue that influences self-perception and the structuring
or rebuilding of one’s foundation for social-emotional wellness
and well-being, from which true learning springs. One draws
perspective from the cultivating of this foundation that develops
impressions and images for one’s inner landscape of companionship,
seeking coherence with one’s outer landscape that represents
a sense of community.
Current research informs us how social-emotional development is
dependent upon social interaction and primarily influenced through
relationships. Before this concept became scientifically understood,
it was perceived by Gentle Teaching and integrated into the foundation
of its practice.
In a culture of gentleness, the companion relationship is the context
for connectedness. It is the vehicle for each one’s learning to
feel safe and loved, loving and engaged. Companionship creates and
cultivates “the space between” for growing; community expands this
Becoming Connected
51
space, giving one a place of solidarity, centering and celebrating each
Individual’s unfolding story.
The steps for engagement in the companion relationship journey are
learned together, for how each person can feel valued, find meaning,
discover and come to know a sense of belonging and learn how to
“feel at home” in him/herself and within the community.
After self-reflecting and self-assessing where we are in our own understanding
of our role for this journey—looking at what knowledge
we can apply, what skills we can learn, and what gifts we can recognize
in ourselves and offer—we begin seeing the other through a
broader lens and establish the foundation of companionship, from
which we can build with a framework of Gentle Teaching and develop
the relationship.
Throughout the journey, we reflect on the purpose of our engagement
with this person and observe how each of us is shaped by a social
culture and how a culture of gentleness perpetuates an inclusive environment
of value and meaning.
With our engagement, we offer unconditional acceptance with our
presence; with companionship and a sense of community, we create
a culture of gentleness. A framework of Gentle Teaching is a framework
for social justice as we engage with others in moments and
processes of social change.
When we use our hands, eyes, words, and presence as “tools,” we
recognize that it is not what we are teaching that is important, but how
we are teaching. This is especially critical during times of crisis that
we’ll discuss more in the chapter, Mentoring a Spirit of Gentleness.
Feeling connected cultivates the sense of belonging, the primary building
block for social-emotional development, which is why developing
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companionship is so important.The person learns (s)he is safe with you
and that it is good to be with you and trusts that no matter what, (s)he
will be valued by you. Establishing this pattern of trust for learning and
growth is a developmental milestone for each life journey, indicating
the foundation is prepared for creating new moral memory.
Understanding moral memory and how it shapes social-emotional
development: when choosing how to act (or react) voluntarily, an
Individual’s inclination is guided by what is called moral memory. This
is deeply embedded memory, carried by feelings or social-emotional
connections to projected or anticipated feelings that pull at the center
for social direction. Learned responses in adverse or oppressive
situations can become internalized, creating moral memory that veers
awareness and responses off course. This can cause a person to feel
adrift, isolated, and fearful of interacting with others.
Acknowledging one’s perception of where they see themselves on
their journey honors one’s experience. This validation invites one to
become present in the moment with the unconditional invitation together,
to seek and explore new possibilities that will nurture their
intrinsic longing to belong, to feel safe and loved. This is central to
our caregiving role that is mentoring a spirit of gentleness. New moral
memory is cultivated and offered for inner growth. This is supported
by creating meaningful moments.
How do we respond to universal suffering? Am I my brother’s keeper?
What possibilities exist for a person who is able respond without judgment?
What possibilities become present for one and with one for whom
“the space between” is one of unconditional acceptance and invitation?
Relationality, as suggested by Martin Buber, is “true interaction [that]
emerges in the space between…where self and other are inseparable.”45
To talk about how we can cultivate “the space between” us and create
these opportunities for ourselves and for one another, we need to talk
Becoming Connected
53
about congruency for quality of life… the harmonizing of one’s inner
(social-emotional) world with their external environment, and the place
and purpose of value and meaning for human lives. Do we recognize
the added value given to one’s life that is experienced as meaningful?
In the first three chapters, we discussed what it means to value and how
we demonstrate value in relationship-building (using our tools), how we
uphold value (with the Four Pillars of GentleTeaching, safe,loved,loving,
engaged), how we sustain value (with a framework of Gentle Teaching
(value, teach, protect, reciprocate), how we weave value into the social
fabric of our interactions (elements of companionship), and how we integrate
value into one’s quality of life (with the eight quality-of-life values).
In developing human potentials, “valuing” cultivates receptivity and a
safe and loving space and invitation for an Individual to venture on an
inner journey of “the self.” The companionship-relationship serves as
the vehicle for shifting one’s awareness and guiding their curiosity and
exploration of self-worth, inner contentment, and a sense of belonging.
In becoming connected, we see the Individual considering a change
of heart, engaging more in the outer journey of “the self,” and the
paths for social-emotional development that are paved through relationship-building
and the creating of meaning. One’s sense of belonging
is augmented through social participation and having meaningful,
daily activities.
Here we have the foundation of “safe and loved” expanding, a sense
of community being experienced, and one’s narrative unfolding.
The invitation to participate as a meaningful member of the community
does much to draw a person into a picture of greater value for
the “self” … a growing self, a loving self, a valued self, a person who
can respond and reciprocate with others, in a “safe and loved” community
that is a culture of gentleness.
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As a person gains awareness, new ways of learning (through companionship)
and new ways of feeling (feeling safe and loved) bring insight
and new light to old ways. Mentoring and learning processes integrate
the pillars of “safe and loved” to create and cultivate new moral
memory. Feeling unconditionally accepted and loved allows the light
of awareness to dim shadows of brokenness or fearfulness that can
keep the heart hidden or held captive by an ingrained, neural path,
prompting a known or familiar path of interpretation and reaction.
As awareness expands with new ways of learning (through companionship)
and new ways of feeling (feeling safe and unconditionally accepted),
old ways become outgrown, like fading shadows and memories.
Mentoring processes cultivate new moral memory; seeds of hope that
becomes integrated as self-worth, self-value, and a sense of belonging.
Creating Meaningful Moments
As we create meaningful moments with this person, we become engaged
in the reworking and reweaving of moral memory. New moral memory
pulls awareness and growth into a new way of being able to perceive the
self in a light of unconditional acceptance. New moral memory weaves
the why into the fibers of social fabric; meaning and value cultivate the
social vision, connecting with the ability to perceive and meaningfully experience
companionship and community; through dialogue and interaction
with others, threads of human development are interwoven with how
an Individual acts, thinks, feels, does, and believes who they are and who
they can become. The foundation of the relationship provides the key for
composing dialogue (verbal and non-verbal) for our interactions.
A Gentle Teaching framework gives structure and form to our interactions
that are shaped by mentoring a spirit of gentleness, engaging the
companion in self-assessment and self-reflection:
	ƒ How do I value?
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55
	ƒ How do I teach?
	ƒ How am I protecting?
	ƒ How am I modeling/mirroring the Four Pillars, inviting the
Individual to receive and reciprocate?
Essentially, it is the dialogue we communicate with our tools (hands,
eyes, words, presence) that constructs the relationship-building environment.The
contextual structure of language is formed through both verbal
and non-verbal communication.With the foundation of “safe and loved,”
we step into the space between us and invite collaboration in creating
meaningful moments. See the following diagram, Creating Meaningful
Moments (CMM) that maps out how we can utilize the framework of
Gentle Teaching for creating this dialogue that speaks to the Individual’s
awareness and experience, while inviting an interactive learning relationship.
The four pillars are validated by elements of companionship
and support the framework for mentoring Gentle Teaching by valuing,
teaching, protecting, and reciprocating. For example, by communicating
unconditional acceptance, we teach that we will not judge. This gives
one hope and deepens trust as they learn that they will not be judged.
Personal reflections offer insight and guidance for relationship-building
as we learn how to observe, understand what to look for, and begin to
recognize value and meaning through the social lens of GentleTeaching.
We notice new possibilities for an Individual’s story, a better story with
more useful narrative. By looking at the past and present elements of a
person’s story, the companion/mentor can begin to identify the paradigms
and places of the journey that have shaped this person’s self-perception
and experience. These “threads” that create the fabric of lives provide an
understanding of who the other is. These are the threads we begin to identify,
incorporating value and meaning into quality-of-life material. We do
this together, with the person, through dialogue (verbal and non-verbal).
Now we can navigate this journey of gentleness, with a vision that allows
for a future with possibilities that we can plan for in the present.
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Becoming Connected
57
This is about new memories for lives that can have new meaning,
with hearts that can have new moral memory.
Focusing with a Personal Teaching
Planner, so you can keep going!
A Personal Teaching Planner provides a focus for how we will interact
with this person; how we will mentor, and what and how we will teach.
The mentor-centered planner guides our steps for navigating the course
and integrating the learning processes with how we will mentor a spirit
of gentleness with this person. It is a template for constructing a Gentle
Teaching framework and developing the relationship-building dialogue,
based on the foundational lessons of the Four Pillars of Gentle Teaching.
Every framework of Gentle Teaching applies the same principles and
practices for building the relationship, but the content of value and
meaning differs for each Individual, as this is based on the unique
needs and goals for each Individual or group with whom we are mentoring
a spirit of gentleness.
A Personal Teaching Planner sets the sails in the direction of Gentle
Teaching, charting the course with goals and destinations that are
reached with the dialogue we develop and the meaningful moments
we create with the Individual. Connecting narrative can be written out
from planned, concrete steps for the role of relational support and care.
In developing human potentials, “valuing” cultivates receptivity for
learning, and a safe and loving space and invitation for one to venture
on an inner journey of “the self.”
The relation dynamic is at the heart of a Gentle Teaching practice,
building relationships that accelerate awareness, generate transformation,
and create a culture of hope.
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For mentoring a spirit of gentleness, self-reflective processes with a
Personal Teaching Planner provide us with a two-sided view, like the
inside and outside of a window. Navigating change for one’s narrative
and quality of life can occur when an Individual’s capacity
and accessibility for self-determination is supported. The Planner is
a navigational tool for mapping out quality of life destinations together,
through relationship-building dialogue. Mentoring a spirit of
gentleness implements learning processes that engage exploration,
discovery, and the cultivation of one’s unique voice and narrative.
When this is recognized and supported, the Individual is given responsibility
for their own life, with the invitation to grow and move
beyond limitations.
Developing the Dialogue and Narrative
with a Personal Teaching Planner
The Planner is a tool for the mentor. Self-reflective insights cultivate
mindfulness for the development of narrative. The planning processes
that prepare our teaching and mentoring with this person, work toward
authenticating the migration of the self, essentially re-routing
one’s experience, from forms of isolation to community formation.
By their side, we witness the journey of awareness and growth in
companionship and community, and we narrate the documenting of
their story.
The mentor or facilitator takes on the role of “narrator.” This requires
the mentor or facilitator to be an observer who pays attention to the
developing dynamics and details of the unfolding story. As we are led
to incorporate the narrative ethic of Gentle Teaching into our practice,
we become a keeper of stories, developing the narrative script
with the Individual.
“Narrative is not a panacea for change or a substitute for necessary
programs, strategies, or budgets. It is a management
Becoming Connected
59
tool that can assist in implementing change and facilitating
communication on every level.”46
-David Brauer
Assessments can provide insight and guidance for what can be observed
and what is being observed for creating meaningful moments
and developing the narrative. A Personal Teaching Planner is a helpful
tool for cultivating mindfulness and guiding the companion/mentor
in mentoring a spirit of gentleness with a particular person (or group).
It becomes important to identify with your mentoring role by using
concrete terms for how you will incorporate a framework of Gentle
Teaching into your practice of mentoring gentleness—valuing, teaching,
and protecting the Individual(s), planting seeds of hope that invite
engagement and reciprocation?
Narrative is a way to use language and explore connections. With a
narrative story structure, focused on the Individual, we can explore
and discover what we don’t know, but what we can discover and
learn by unpacking and taking in all the varied aspects of their story.
Planning and self-reflective practices are essential for any teaching
practice and contribute to professionalism and engagement in the
learning processes and effective outcomes.
A Personal Teaching Planner helps in preparing individualized, relationship-building
dialogue for navigating the person’s story and narrating
meaningful script. With our tools (hands, eyes, words, presence),
we initiate awareness for ourselves and with others. With each
tool, we identify how we can mentor by asking: (1) what can we see
as we apply principles of Gentle Teaching that see with the heart
(imagination) (2) what can we learn as we integrate our practice that
forms connections (structure) and (3) what do we know as we plant
seeds of hope, so one can know (s)he belongs to him/herself, with
others in companionship and community (expansion)?
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Developing the Narrative: Nine Different Destinations for socialemotional
development / cultivating new moral memory
Nine different destinations are “goal” areas for social-emotional development.
After assessing where we are with this person and identifying
the area of human development that most needs to feel safe and loved,
we can discern where we need to be and focus on a destination.
Unique elements of one’s story can be reframed with renewed meaning
and new moral memory. The destinations prompt visualization,
cultivate imagination, and provide focus for the mentoring processes,
doing much toward grounding the Individual in the broader context
of their life story.
Becoming familiar and resourceful with the social-emotional terrain
of the nine destinations expands our view, allowing deeper questions
to surface and taking our observations closer to the foundational
structure, social-emotional positioning, and relational value of one’s
self-concept and sense of belonging with their quality of life.
Mentoring with the nine destinations gives definition and expanded
form to “self-concept.” In the previous chapter, we can look at how
each destination is a “goal” area, centering on a path of ‘safe and
loved’ that is paved by the cultivation of social-emotional developmental
processes. The destinations address relational, foundational
“keys” that open up the full range of developmental factors inherently
designed for “well-being” in social-emotional awareness and
growth.
NINE DESTINATIONS of safe and loved:
Destinations 1, 2, and 3 lay the foundation of companionship, of
feeling safe and unconditionally accepted/loved. Active participation
in daily activities fosters self-worth. Quality of life is viewed in
Becoming Connected
61
proportion to eight, foundational human values that are universally
recognized and considered essential for meaningful human existence.
This first group of destinations that are cultivating the foundation of
social-emotional development are characterized by dependency,
overlapping with independence. Here, we are doing more for the
Individual, providing much support. For mentoring one’s awareness
and growth toward interdependence, we begin to establish daily rituals
with the Individual. Engagement in the value and meaning of daily
rituals nurtures one’s ability to feel safe and loved, becoming grounded
in a culture of gentleness and beginning to trust companionship.
Destinations 4, 5, and 6 build on the foundation that becomes
grounded in the first three through the growing of mutual trust. With
the eight values, one can build to engage with others and to communicate
in shared activities to give a sense of belonging. Once this
foundation is in place, skills can be applied to new settings.
This second group of destinations that are cultivating the foundation
of social-emotional development are characterized by independence,
overlapping with interdependence. Here, mentoring one’s awareness
and growth toward integration and interdependence, we deepen the
value of daily rituals and increase meaningful engagement and dialogue
with the Individual. Here, we are doing more together, as they are learning
to feel the value of who they are and of the mentoring relationship.
Destinations 7, 8, and 9 expand the foundation as we learn, together,
to doing things with and for others. These destinations support
growth, based on one’s ability to problem-solve, to connect ideas
together, and to take initiative with ideas.
This third and last group of destinations that are cultivating the foundation
of social-emotional development are characterized by interdependence
and growth in an awareness of solidarity. Here, mentoring
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continued growth in interdependence, we are doing things with and
for others as the value of these nine destinations continues to unfold
in meaningful, enriching ways.
Destination 1, Structured Life Plan andActivities withValue:Through
this journey, we help to identify that each Individual has a purpose,
through meaningful activities and a life of structure.
Destination 2, Sense of Self-Worth: We continuously help the
Individual to engage in meaningful activities while maintaining a
foundation of valuing, so the Individual can begin to feel self-worth.
Without this foundation, an Individual might do the task, but will learn
to seek other activities that have no value or purpose to quality of life.
Destination 3, Sense of Belonging: The Individual begins to see themself
as being connected as we continue to engage or focus on building
the relationship with a true sense of companionship. We teach
the importance of doing things together and for others. Learning the
skill only creates a sense of self without any sense of doing things
with others.
Destination 4: Feeling Safe and Loved: Here, the Individual feels safe
and loved, through meaningful rituals that laid the foundation of unconditional
love. At this destination, the Individual recognizes that
he/she is safe with the caregiver and unconditionally loved by the
caregiver. This destination is about feeling connected.
Destination 5: Laying the Foundation for Inner Contentment: Many
interactions with meaningful rituals that focus on building the relationship,
as opposed to compliance or simply accomplishing the
task, create the moral memory that is needed for the Individual to feel
free of traumatic stress. At this destination, what the Individual desires
most is inner contentment.
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Destination 6: Opening the Door: This destination is the turning point
toward inner peace and resolution. As the Individual seeks companionship,
it is the caregiver’s role to be receptive to this developing stage
and try to connect. This moment of change is the beginning of a new
moral memory, reflecting inner harmony and acceptance of each other.
Destination 7: Being Present to Build on the Foundation: As the
Individual spends time with us, (s)he begins to understand that I am
because you exist. The caregiver’s role is to be present and to create
teachable moments to support growth and development. This engagement
lays the foundation for mutual valuing.
Destination 8: Valuing: This is a primary goal of our relationship,
valuing each other as we teach each other that it is good to be together
and it is good to do things together. Valuing does not mean that we
focus on changing the Individual’s behavior, but rather on nurturing
the relationship as a foundation for learning.
Destination 9: Safe and Loved with Meaningful Activities to Expand
the Foundation: This is what we strive for in our relationship, creating
companionship and a sense of community that deepen through
meaningful rituals.
We can now expand into new and different areas of doing things
together and drawing others in to expand the Individual’s community.
Gentle Teaching not only shifts our own lens of how we can effectively
engage with an Individual; it also shifts this person’s experience
toward the opening up of new chapters for their story as we set meaningful
goals for quality-of-life outcomes.
Throughout our navigating of the journey, not only are we valuing social
services, but also the social-emotional development of Individuals
that can be valued through the providing of these services. Our engagement
explores possibilities that continue to invite interaction but
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does not define the steps for creating meaningful moments and new
moral memory. The steps unfold along the path of applied practices
within the framework of Gentle Teaching. As we are nurturing the
relationship and navigating the destinations, a personal teaching plan
connects meaning and value with the Four Pillars. When a Planner is
used for this “map” work, a picture is created for how we will use our
tools for mentoring, planning some clear and concrete steps for connecting
through dialogue, supporting our role in effectively valuing,
teaching, protecting, and reciprocating with our Individual.
Change and transformation begin with a connection or a disruption of
one. When an Individual can “feel at home,” they are able to feel safe
and loved. With companionship and a sense of community, Gentle
Teaching feeds the universal hunger for connectedness by valuing,
creating meaning, and cultivating awareness and discovery, by returning
gentleness to one’s naturally progressive state of being and
becoming human.
It is within the heart that one can begin to understand the moral messages
of “the stories” we are teaching. We give meaning and value
to these moments but remain focused and engaged in the integrative
processes of the framework through which we can illustrate the “3
P’s,” the principle, practice, and promise of Gentle Teaching. With
this social vision, the Individual sees they are not alone in the world,
but with others; interconnected, belonging, and able to develop human
potential and well-being for the “self” and with others in the
community.
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5
A PERSONAL REFLECTION, integrating
a practice of Gentle Teaching within the
legislative structure of human health services
and systems, and how foundational principles
of a Gentle Teaching philosophy relate to the
governing foundation for a socially just society
Beyond planning, the essential support that a Gentle Teaching practitioner
provides is with presence; maintaining an environment of unconditional
love and acceptance; modeling a culture of gentleness
through interactions; cultivating the social vision of companionship
and community through the mentoring processes of the framework;
creating solidarity.
Our engagement with the framework adds value to the structure of human
services and social systems.
A narrative structure is essential for well-being in social-emotional development.
It engages one’s awareness with the neuro pathways that
IN-form a self-concept as one internalizes existence. The storied self
evolves throughout one’s lifetime, recounting and integrating how life
is perceived and experienced. A framework of Gentle Teaching provides
the structure for cultivating, through dialogue, one’s authentic voice.
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Providing mentoring support for the cultivation of narrative nurtures
awareness of “self-sense.”This is central to creating connections for authentic
expression through the relationship-building interactions that
are supporting one’s self-determination and autonomy.
What are the important aspects of one’s story, and how are the socially
woven threads relating to an Individual’s ability to feel loved? What is
disconnecting, obstructing, or interfering with the intrinsic inclination
for wholeness in social-emotional development? How are we protecting
and teaching? Where are we identifying value that can be incorporated
with the creating of meaningful moments and new moral memory?
New moral memory develops when a new pattern or template is given
for the social-emotional processing of information. Much like practice
of a new skill, the repetition of the new pattern is what allows for its
integration, from which new narrative can be developed.
WORKING WITH GOALS, formal and Informal
When an Individual seeks services, the selections are made accordingly
from three different paths of mentoring support for fulfilling one’s goals:
Quality of Community Life, Quality of Mentoring Life, and Quality of
Work/School Life. Each path provides mentoring support with a primary
focus of cultivating/integrating one’s awareness and growth for success
with community life (social interaction and opportunity), mentoring
life (areas of difficulty and lagging skills), or work/school life (exploring
employment or classroom environments, opportunities and barriers).
These paths can overlap, depending on the Individual’s needs.
The focus for each path combines the Individual’s formal goals with
informal goals. Formal goals typically evolve with a Person-Centered
Individualized Support Plan (PCISP) or Person-Centered Plan (PCP)
and an Individual Support Plan (ISP) that is recognized/documented
by the state. Most likely, but not always, a person will already have this
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in hand when they inquire about our services. Their PCISP tells us the
formal goals that we need to work on with the Individual.
The first thing we do with the formal goals is plan how we will create
meaningful moments that will engage one in the relationshipbuilding
processes and support their learning of the Four Pillars. The
steps for creating the meaningful moments with the Individual are
written in a “CMM” form with one’s prior experience in working on
the goal(s), our proposed strategy, and identifying who is responsible
for mentoring the Individual and teaching the goals. A Quality-of-Life
Model incorporates this formal goal sheet called Creating Meaningful
Moments (CMM) that is used to facilitate the teaching, while The
Planner (as introduced in Chapter 4), is used for creating the invitation
for one’s engagement with the relationship-building aspects of
the learning environment. We would also refer to The Planner under
the action of ‘protection’ if there is a moment of difficulty that needs
mentoring support.
Informal goals don’t need to be documented but are included in one’s
narrative script for their quality-of-life plan. The integration and articulation
of both formal and informal goals becomes narrative script for
one’s QOL plan for full integration.
Our friend, Terry, was an Individual who moved into a house on his
own, but no one explained to the new service providers about his informal
goals, and this created some challenges. With a QOL Model,
the informal goals are a part of our dialogue and relationship-building
support as we mentor with a framework of Gentle Teaching. For example,
‘brushing teeth’ could be an informal goal. We might need to
remind the Individual to brush their teeth, or re-model, with them, how
to brush teeth, or talk again about the importance of this daily task (value
and meaning). A framework of Gentle Teaching attributes “brushing
teeth” to one of the eight values (bodily integrity) that are addressed in
mentoring a spirit of gentleness.
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The PCISP gives the structure but doesn’t give us the methodology for
where we are we going, how we will be moving forward with the teaching
and learning of the goals. For this, a Quality-of-Life Model writes
out how meaningful moments will be created with the Individual for
the Quality-of-Life Plan. We are cultivating learning environments, laying
the foundation of safe and loved. What we know is that if we take
the time to be with someone, safe and loved will be learned. Then how
do we apply this and develop skills? The Quality-of-Life Model methodology
for working with goals works together with the ISP (Individual
Support Plan) and our Creating Meaningful Moments sheet (CMM) to
identify how each individual goal should be implemented. This helps
in noting and documenting daily quality of life.
The Personal Teaching Planner identifies how we will communicate
and interact, using our tools (presence, eyes, words, and hands) to
teach one how to feel safe and loved, and how we will incorporate
elements of companionship into our interactions.
As we teach, we should be able to refer to the framework for each goal
that we write out in our teaching plan. This framework of mentoring--
valuing, teaching, protecting, and reciprocating --- is referred to by the
State of Indiana as “task analysis,” and we are required by our State to
be knowledgeable about these aspects of our interactions as we work
with the Individual’s formal goals.
Your teaching plan includes (1) the setting for teaching moments for
both formal and informal goals, (2) identifying challenges/barriers and
protecting the person from disruptive factors, (3) support to be given,
meaningful activities, and (4) reciprocation goals for yourself and for
one’s learning.
The raw structure of narrative formation can be viewed as four steps: (1)
the setting or situation (2) the challenge or problem (3) the resolution
or discovery (4) the conclusion or solution. The narrative form serves
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as a template for mapping out, restructuring and redirecting new information
in the direction of Gentle Teaching. When mentoring the Four
Pillars of with a Quality-of-Life Model, particular attention is given to
these four steps of narrative development in each of the four lessons. A
PersonalTeaching Planner and four assessments help in breaking down
the processes, aligning the goals, and writing out the plan and the narrative
script as it is being learned and unfolding through the dialogue.
Following are two views of a group encounter:
VIEW A illustrates the basic, underlying narrative structure, as outlined
above. It’s a simple understanding of how we can quickly change the
narrative with a format and outcome we can easily relate to with today’s
increased social awareness and great strides made in solutions
that demonstrate mainstream inclusion practices.
This view, however, is only the tip of the iceberg.
VIEW B reframes the interactions with the same, basic narrative structure
we have with a framework of Gentle Teaching, expanding our
view with a Quality-of-Life Model by zooming in with the nine safe
and loved destinations for mentoring.View B questions the interrelated
areas of social-emotional coherence by considering lagging skills to
identify and areas of vulnerability. What we assess benefits our plan for
building on the foundation one has presently developed for learning.
The different learning settings create connections that support one’s
core foundation of social-emotional awareness and growth. Again, the
foundation for ‘true,’ intrinsically motivated learning begins here, with
the need for unconditional acceptance being met, not something easily
accomplished by external validation, because how one experiences
learning is default-driven by ‘self-sense’ and who the person feels they
are. With a genuine affirmation and connection, one’s receptivity and
capacity for awareness and growth leads to engaged learning. A ‘safe
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and loved’ environment opens up the ‘space between us’ that invites
one’s interest and curiosity in learning together. The Four Pillars or life
lessons mentor the genuineness, acceptance and empathy that Carl
Rogers talks about for true learning, and the primal sense of belonging
one needs to feel that Al Condeluci indicates as being acknowledged,
being appreciated and being accepted.
Each destination supports both formal and informal goals. Each area
develops the social-emotional foundation with self-confidence,
bridged by belonging. In cultivating and strengthening one’s sense of
identity, we avoid labels and take the time to look at internal assets. We
need to question and identify what internal assets one has. What play-
ability™47
factors can be utilized for prompting visualization, cultivating
imagination, and creating focus for mentoring specialized goals?
VIEW A: I was with a group where the children would start to play the
game of Twister (#1, the setting). One of the children in the group was
a little girl who couldn’t get onto the floor to play the game with the
others. It was clear that she felt left out, because she would always bite
herself while she watched the others play. This was segregation (#2, the
problem). I worked with the group as they recognized the problem and
discussed how they might include the girl in the game. Together, we
saw that it wasn’t a problem for the little girl, but that the challenge was
with us. We discussed ideas for how to support her in feeling safe and
feeling included rather than feeling limited and excluded; we talked
about ideas for how she might play the game with the others and how
we could create the invitation for her to participate (#3, the discovery).
The group worked together in creating a tabletop version of the game
so that all could play (#4, the solution).
VIEW B: After the initial observation of View A, I would use the kaleidoscopic
valuing of the nine destinations to begin questioning and
connecting what was going on for the little girl in terms of how she
perceived herself and experiencing who she was (emotional self), and
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how she was able to experience who she was with others (social self).
Looking at the 2nd destination that is about self-worth, I notice from
her lack of meaning that this activity did not provide a connection
with her sense of self, especially with her sense of self-worth. Going
back to the first destination, having a life of structure with meaning, we
can observe how the Twister game was not a meaningful ritual for her,
although there was structure. Overall, the activity created a negative
reaction and a disconnectedness in her life of structure, as observed
with the biting of her hand.
Looking at the 3rd
destination, having a sense of belongingness, we
can note the disconnection response and be aware of the importance
of integrating her in the activity for a true sense of companionship and
community.
The 4th destination of safe and loved is about being aware of creating
the life of structure, self-worth and a sense of belonging that allows one
to feel safe and loved. I often remind people that when something goes
wrong, don’t look at the behavior, but ask: what are the rituals in in the
person’s life? It helps us define who they are. Once again, it’s knowing
where we are within the learning environment, and walking with the
person.
We need to re-think our own position and ask ourselves how we are
providing that invitation, or how we are giving someone the tools to
communicate. Following the form of narrative structure, we can create
meaningful concepts that give us the opportunity to step back and
reframe what we are seeing and ask ourselves where can I be in this
picture? How can I serve this situation with a framework of Gentle
Teaching, creating companionship and community?
Learning to feel safe; Learning to feel loved; Learning how to feel and
be loving; Learning how to be engaged. With each one of these lessons,
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learned, a small story within a larger context develops through narrative
formation, adding the value of social-emotional coherence to the
larger story of one’s life.
With a practice of Gentle Teaching, we move toward destinations
that fulfill a social vision that values not only social services, but also
the social-emotional development of Individuals that can be valued
through the providing of these services.
This vision encompasses a greater value being assigned to the providers
of social services, adding meaning to the social fabric being
created by the interactions that become the means for social services,
between the direct and indirect service provider(s) and the
Individual(s).
On a social-emotional level of well-being, when a person can begin
to feel “at home” in themselves and with others and within their environment,
they become more receptive to social-emotional awareness
and growth, but most importantly, to feeling loved.
Developing companionship and a sense of community with another
invites the Individual into a space of gentleness. Valuing and creating
meaning cultivate connectedness for awareness and discovery.
The Individual will need to feel safe and loved before becoming able
to sense the moral messages of “the stories” unfolding through the
mentoring processes of valuing, teaching, protecting, and engaging in
reciprocation. We give meaning and value to these moments but remain
focused and engaged in the integrative processes of the framework
through which we can illustrate the principle, practice, and
promise of Gentle Teaching (“3 P’s”). With this social vision, one sees
that (s)he is not alone in the world, but with others; interconnected,
belonging, and able to develop human potential and well-being for
the “self” within one’s own community.
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To learn about the importance of using our tools and how our perception
and practice of this critically affects our interactions is to understand
the foundation of Gentle Teaching. This foundation is unconditional
love/acceptance, diverse and inclusive, representing not only
that we are without bias in our practice and interactions, but also ensuring
that the message and meaning of being unconditionally valued
and accepted is consistently experienced by the person.
Another aspect is understanding how we are using our tools and being
aware of self-reflection and the valuable feedback it gives us as
we continue teaching and planning to teach the Four Pillars.
Self-reflection opens up our view with insight that lets us become
aware of this person’s sense of self, aspects of which we can then
acknowledge with them. Mutual acknowledgment leads toward possibilities
creating meaningful moments for cultivating companionship
and community with this person.
Centuries ago, philosopher Georg Wilhel Friedrich Hegel identified
three areas for socially just interactions (specifically with regard to
improvement of education) when he stressed the importance of (1)
the acknowledgment of the relationship with the primary caregiver
as the person’s primary source for developing self-confidence, (2) the
acknowledgment of the society for providing equal opportunities for
persons to achieve a sense of self-esteem, and (3) the acknowledgment
of the Individual to nurture self-worth.48
In looking more closely at these three areas and how a positive sense
of self-worth is formed, we must consider how an acknowledgement
of identity and being valued does not necessarily equate with one’s
experience of feeling valued. This happens when one’s self-perception
is strongly influenced by cultural views such as labeling and
stereotyping.
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Confidence and self-esteem build one’s foundation of self-worth. We
need to understand that each step for this social-emotional development
is necessary and needs to be worked through, before one can
feel valued and become more aware of their identity.
At times we might see our role as the “teacher” to improve one’s
Individual functional ability to be independent, who then points out
our needs to be corrected, or the supervisor to make us work and live
more effectively within the structure of our environment to comply
with these rules. These two roles are conditioned to give consequences
if we are unable to comply and continually need to be corrected.
This is not Gentle Teaching. Gentle Teaching creates an interdependent
relationship that provides meaning and value, by breaking down
the walls of segregation and building up a foundation of companionship
and community.
Present-day philosopher Aksel Honneth49
identifies this as the means
through which our own interdependence is a way to be seen, recognized,
and respected, and contends that at the center of all social
conflict is the struggle for recognition.
Bringing elements of companionship to our interactions will provide
this recognition, then expand it further by cultivating a sense of selfworth
and a sense of belonging and developing self-awareness (relating
to the three areas that Hegel identified for educational reform).
In our work of mentoring, interactions align with the Four Pillars of
Gentle Teaching (safe, loved, loving, engaged). These pillars arise from
a psychology of interdependence and address “the struggle for recognition”
(Honneth) and achieve the “socially just” interactions that
invite engagement and provide opportunities for achievement (Hegel).
Gentle Teaching expands this social vision by recognizing and relating
one’s social-emotional development with quality of life, that
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begins, primarily, with teaching a person how to feel safe and how
to feel loved. Cultivating this “feeling” aspect of being and becoming
human makes the critical difference for the social-emotional development
of the self (beyond what the self can “achieve” with recognition)
that Gentle Teaching nurtures and navigates.
In the context of human health systems, a social well-being approach
brings into focus the important aspects of social interaction that Hegel
and Honneth discuss and looks at outcomes in these areas for measuring
and determining quality of life.
A framework of Gentle Teaching accomplishes this, too, but also introduces
an additional dimension of social development by inclusion
of the emotional self, the sense of self that lays the foundation for the
social development of the “self.” One must be able to feel, to sense
and identify feelings by relating them to experience (i.e., sense of belonging),
before a social connection can authentically be made that
creates the capacity for experiencing a meaningful sense of self and
of belonging with others, with community.
The purpose of Gentle Teaching is to cultivate connections with the
social-emotional self that improve quality of life. These outcomes are
created by adding value and meaning to the dialogue and integrating
elements of companionship into relationship-building.
This added value and meaning increase an Individual’s possibilities.
Beyond the social well-being of a person, being “seen, recognized
and respected,” Gentle Teaching incorporates the moral compass
of companionship and community with an ethic for dialogue and
narrative.
In working within human health services and systems, how can we
integrate “valuing” in our interactions with caregivers, co-workers,
case managers, et al? Communication styles that acknowledge the
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person and provide recognition and mutual respect is a strong place
to begin, and there are mindful practices a professional can integrate
for developing meaningful interactions, such as reflecting on how we
can promote and teach a person to value, and how we can assess a
person’s sense of being valued.
In his book The Evolving Self, Robert Kegan expresses what I feel to
be a concise and concrete definition of valuing: “Getting behind the
self-constructed nature of a system of valuing, generates a protective
tolerance for difference and is the beginning of a sense of Individual
rights.”50
Doesn’t each of us want others to have tolerance—or a “protective
tolerance,” for who we are? It is within this sense of tolerance that
a foundation of being safe and loved can coexist in the structure of
relationships.
Kegan goes on to illustrate how this degree of tolerance is the “beginning
of a sense of Individual rights.”51
How true and vital it is that we
reflect on our purpose for creating meaningful interactions.
We engage in the collaborative journey, not only with our tools and
elements of companionship, but with continued growth in self-awareness
as we reflect on (1) our own need to feel supported, (2) the barriers
created from our past and present perceptions that will influence
our interactions, and (3) the anticipation of our desired outcomes.
For this level of engagement, our focus become threefold, encompassing
a set of principles (points of knowledge), a practice (navigating
and nurturing safe and loved), and a promise (that ensures tolerance
and working toward outcomes that reflect a culture of gentleness).
These “3 P’s” (principles, practice, promise) create a flow of engagement
and interaction within the framework, where mentoring a spirit
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of gentleness continues to surface and deepen connections, enriching
experiences of value and meaning for quality of life.
The nature of our engagement that creates this flow and opens up
possibilities continues to invite interaction but does not define the
steps for creating meaningful and positive moral memories. This task
of engagement is mapped out in our practice that nurtures and navigates
the course of our journey with an Individual, using our tools to
convey elements of companionship and create meaningful moments
with the person.
It is in this flow that we begin to see how important our tools are for
navigating and for an Individual to feel safe and loved, especially as
we weather the storms when the person desperately needs validation
and guidance. The continuous journey of these meaningful interactions
defines our relationship, rooted in the presence of unconditional
love.
Navigating with a Gentle Teaching framework provides many opportunities
for examining this relationship. In our self-assessing and reflecting,
the point is not be disappointed or to be discouraged or to
label ourselves with faults or shortcomings, but to gain insight and
to take the wisdom and inspiration of these moments and to simply
“value” these moments, to feel blessed in the “presence” of these
moments that, through acceptance and understanding of our own
possibilities and vulnerabilities, empower us with choices that call
on our best selves.
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COMMUNITY-CENTERED
CELEBRATIONS, crossing a bridge
“The foundation of all decision-making has to be based on
feeling safe, loved, and engaged. Without this foundation,
there is nothing. Independence is empty without others. Selfdetermination
cannot be just left to the self; it needs community
to have meaning. Self-reliance will cave into loneliness
without others to lean upon, celebrate, and share joys as well
as sorrows.”
John McGee, Mending Broken Hearts: Cultural Impact
Community-centered celebrations arise along the path of mentoring
a spirit of gentleness, through the dynamic that is cultivating companionship
and a sense of community with others. These arcs create
significant intervals of time and space that connect where we’ve been
on this journey together with where we are going. Reflecting back
and looking forward, these shared moments form a pause in the present
to look around at how we are and where we are now, reconnecting
with and honoring the role and person-centered commitment of
each participant who collectively recognizes and supports this person
and their needs, i.e., what supports them in feeling safe, loved, loving,
and engaged.
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There are intentions for the structure, but it is flexible, with the person
engaging and participating as much as possible. The invitation
is from a friend, talking, sharing, and being together as companions
with shared values, and a deepening connection with one another.
It is a celebration of companionship and community within one’s
meaningful circle of support and social relationships.
As part of the quality of life-building processes that mentor a spirit of
gentleness, a community-centered celebration is an event created by
a close community of support, for recognizing and celebrating the
Individual; the challenges, the learning and growth; the unfolding
and sharing of one’s narrative with the community.
As seedlings naturally lean toward sunlight, these times invite each
member of the community to reflect on how the growing needs of
the Individual can be honored, served, supported, and integrated
into a deepening sense and ever-widening circle of companionship
and community. The community is on this journey with us, and as a
whole, is being served and blessed by the Individual who is becoming
loving and engaged.
For the companion-caregiver, community-centered celebrations create
outward, shared experiences for staying connected with ourselves,
with our purpose of cultivating companionship with the other,
and with how we are expanding a sense of community.
Throughout our journey of gentleness with the Individual, community-centered
celebrations build bridges that support and connect, in
meaningful and concrete ways, the navigating of our course over time
and through various elements of social and physical environments.
This time together supports growth in awareness, inviting one to explore
and experience a sense of being valued and celebrated, in community
with others. Each one has a role in shaping the unique path
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for this journey and in supporting and participating in the developing
narrative, exploring possibilities for an Individual’s dreams, and
working together to create the steps for integrating today’s dreams
into planning for tomorrow.
The Hero’s Journey is described by author Joseph Campbell52
as a
universal path of narrative that shapes social-emotional growth
throughout one’s journey of human development, or, as Jean Vanier
puts it, of becoming human.53
A community-centered celebration is
about honoring this person’s journey as they engage in becoming the
hero of their own life, paving an inner path for self-determination on
the road of interdependence. We are building a bridge, connecting
a path for “the hero” of the evolving narrative we are developing together,
within the larger circle of community.
A community-centered celebration creates a memory for this person’s
journey of courage and social-emotional growth. Our presence with
the Individual and their group is celebrating the growth in awareness
and collected memories like this one, marking a milestone on the journey.
By expanding a full circle moment of companionship with a growing
sense of community, those present are collectively acknowledging,
supporting and celebrating this person’s presence, possibilities, and
potentials with an if you can dream it, begin it attitude.54
Campbell’s “HERO” characterizes awareness and experiential
growth, representing the social-emotional self. Inner conflict surfaces
in every hero’s journey, and the journey of gentleness is no different.
Someone in the group guides the discussing, sharing, and deepening
of companionship and community. With every step, developing companionship
and community with the person is the focus, correlating
actions and interactions with the Four Pillars of Gentle Teaching: with
the person feeling safe, feeling loved, feeling and becoming loving,
feeling and becoming engaged.
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81
In studies and stories about creating personal narrative, foundational
patterns of social-emotional growth and development, including
dreaming, are seen as indigenous to processes of being and becoming
true to oneself. Dreaming invites the person to imagine becoming
a future version of him/herself in a culture of gentleness, as can be
experienced now in this time and space of a community-centered
celebration. As one participates and engages in the celebration, one’s
sense of belonging is strengthened by feeling at home with others;
feeling safe and loved; returning one’s journey to gentleness with the
blessing of companionship and community.
Dr. John McGee wrote out an eight-step guide for planning community-centered
celebrations. Again, the sequence, duration, and times
for when how these steps come together is based on the Individual
and their needs. Each step is related to the naturally occurring growth
of companionship and community that develops through relationship-building
in mentoring a spirit of gentleness.
There is a book, The Blessing,55
where the authors suggest a list of five
areas of human interaction that benefit or bless relationship-building.
I like to use this list for reference in preparing and participating in
community-centered celebrations, because each one inspires an act
of gentleness and specifically demonstrates a message of unconditional
love. The five elements of “the blessing” are: (1) meaningful
touch (2) a spoken message of love and acceptance (3) attaching high
value to the person being blessed (4) picturing a special future for that
person (5) an active commitment to fulfill the blessing.
Regardless of how things appear or are interpreted (“positive” or “negative”),
we honor the journey in all of its aspects, without judgment.
Remember, we are often working with areas of the self that may seem
brokenhearted or discordant with quality of life, but we find our path
in the direction of Gentle Teaching, creating meaning and value and
being true to the framework. In this way, the relationship-building
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journey navigates the heart of Gentle Teaching through a social-emotional
body, creating accessibility for movement toward destinations
of “safe and loved” and towards transformation. This is working towards
unity and solidarity, not just for the Individual, but for ourselves,
for each one of us who is working toward integration of the
self that begins right where we are, in community with one another.
Dreaming is a main theme of the celebration, but it is also an ongoing
process of relationship-building: being able to imagine and see oneself
in new ways, doing new things, or doing things differently. This
is part of creating new moral memory and rewiring social-emotional
connections that can begin to replace brokenness with a wholeness
of value and meaning.
At our community-centered celebration, we cultivate a culture of
hope and celebrate the unity between us and the journey that has
been taken, of what can be and has been learned; what has become
known and what is not yet known but can be explored and learned,
together; looking at the past, present, and future within the framework
of Gentle Teaching; how we are valuing, teaching, and protecting,
and how we are mirroring unconditional love for one’s reciprocal
reflecting of Love’s unconditional, ever-presence.
In his book Always Looking Up,56
actor Michael J. Fox shares his persistent
journey that seeks a cure for Parkinson’s, and passionately instills
his quest for better quality of life for those who suffer with this
disease. While being optimistic lets us hope that things in life will
unfold favorably, he feels that greater than optimism and hope (something
Fox claims is the project of knowledge and projection of where
that knowledge can take us) is the vision one cultivates by faith, because
faith informs us that we are not alone.
In a community-centered celebration, it is evident in the dialogue that
engages families, Individuals, and caregivers who are all celebrating
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83
their vision and love for the Individual, that seeds of hope, optimism,
and faith are unfolding. This is an invitation to celebrate being a part
of this journey; to be present, to be engaged, and to create meaning
with each other as companions.
It is like Robert Frost shared in his poem, “Home”: “a home is a
place that when you go there, they have to take you in.” Faith provides
the invitation to lay the emotional foundation to teach. When
an Individual looks into our eyes, we want them to see and feel
that it won’t cost them anything. Returning to gentleness begins to
mend brokenness and build bridges of relationship. This becomes
the blessing, our sense of companionship, doing things together and
navigating the heart toward “safe and loved,” where one can feel at
home.
By understanding and accommodating the rotational nature of socialemotional
learning and development, we can support the person with
“growing room” for greater challenge, inviting and imagining how
potentials can unfold while cultivating self-determination, a growing
dynamic for a life less fragmented and more whole.
As companionship is created and as a sense of community is cultivated,
particularly with community-centered celebrations, each community
member holds the opportunity to bless and uplift the journey,
to discover, recognize, and celebrate congruent paths emerging for
the Individual, for the mentor, and for the community as a whole.
The underlying principle for this social vision and growth relates to
interconnectedness and interdependence, the foundational concepts
for a philosophy of Gentle Teaching.
A community-centered celebration is a meaningful ritual for relationship-building,
commemorating for the mentor and community, too,
the foundational purpose of our journey, which is to create companionship
and a sense of community with the Individual.
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Let’s reflect for a moment on how the gift of Gentle Teaching opens
up through relationship-building and brings us into the formation of
community. To briefly summarize, the blessing of companionship and
community is laid out in the first two chapters. Chapter Three begins
to look at who this person, this “other” is, and how we can begin
to bring value and meaning into this person’s experience, relating
quality-of-life values to social-emotional processes for learning and
growth. In Chapter Four, we learn more about how to create meaningful
moments; how to identify and cultivate possibilities for building
on the foundation of the mentoring relationship, weaving value
and meaning into the social fabric created through our interactions,
reflecting and visualizing how to navigate quality-of-life outcomes
and develop one’s narrative, alongside planning for quality of life.
Now, in Chapter Five, we begin expanding this foundation with this
moment of celebration, when all areas of awareness and growth are
being brought together, along with recognizing the attributes of hope
and faith that are at work in our relationship-building. Meaningful
memory is being created, culminating in the ritual of a communitycentered
celebration. The celebrated moment is also a transitional
one, hinged on a culture of hope that, in social-emotional development,
connects with new moral memory. While we acknowledge
social-emotional growth and quality-of-life outcomes, we also honor
our own commitment to this journey, and, with the Individual, continue
to develop their script, dreaming, imagining, and planning for
their sustainable future.
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COMMUNITY-CENTERED FORMATION,
expanding the social vision by shaping the
social fabric with circle leadership, “kitchen
table” dialogue, and daily planning
All the while we are cultivating companionship, the groundwork for
a sense of community is becoming centered and formed through our
relationship-building with others. As each step of the journey connects
meaning and value with the Four Pillars (safe, loved, loving, engaged),
a foundation for mentoring a spirit of gentleness is upheld. How do we
mentor? Valuing, teaching, protecting, and reciprocating.
A framework of Gentle Teaching cultivates a relationship-building approach
for our interactions, creating the lens for mentoring value and
meaning. Actions and interactions, arising from the principles, practice,
and promise of Gentle Teaching, weave a foundational, social
fabric of companionship and community. These underlying threads,
spun with our hands, eyes, words, and presence, can be mindfully
prepared with the process of writing a personal teaching plan. Our
interactions can be “thought forward” in the same way that we might,
as a chaperone, map out an itinerary for an Individual or group of
Individuals we will accompany as we travel, together, to various
destinations. The plan supports mentoring a spirit of gentleness and
teaching the Four Pillars.
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With the formation of community, we are exploring and expanding
the horizon of our reach into the world. It begins with how we are
able to see ourselves and our role in terms of leadership, and then
how we integrate the universal language of the heart (unconditional
love/acceptance) by being present on a path of solidarity with others,
inviting engagement and deepening connections.
Especially as we increase competence in mentoring gentleness, we
increase our capacity for supporting the social well-being of the community
as a whole. We see more opportunities for our engagement,
for integrating elements of companionship into conversations and
dialogue with others.
In the study of relationship-building dynamics, four approaches to the
role of research can be identified. With varying degrees of value given
to service-providing goals, each dynamic differs in its relevance to
the providing of goods or services. In summary, the four approaches
as introduced in Chapter One are: a client approach, a functional approach,
an ecological approach, and a social well-being approach.
Each approach centers the focus on differing elements and degrees of
engagement. The value set for each approach establishes a standard
for the delivery of goods or services and is maintained by its respective
support system.
Each support system represents a cultural dynamic, a social vision
for community formation. Each support system establishes a paradigm,
or a model for the expected outcomes of interactions within the
community. Each set of values creates a “lens” or perception of how
(professional) persons must act/interact with others, as these transactions
of dialogue are related to the delivering of goods or providing
of services. The outcomes reflect the system’s mission or primary
purpose, which may or may not be aligned with a path for growth in
social-emotional awareness or of unconditional valuing and meaning
for being and becoming human.
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In the sharing of worldviews, not only do we “agree” to cultural standards
when we work with others, we also bring in the influence of
our own ways of perceiving the world.
A social well-being approach is evident in Gentle Teaching, with value
increased by a relationship-building framework based on eight
quality-of-life domains. Implementing this framework strengthens
the dynamics of interactions with a broader social vision, to include
what is otherwise often marginalized within the focus for community
formation.
Integrating a framework of Gentle Teaching into a practice of interacting
with others adds value to the social well-being approach. This
practice cultivates gentleness by planting seeds for growth in awareness,
and mentoring processes of discovery and learning that invite
each of us into being the hero of our respective journeys with one
another; into becoming human, as Jean Vanier speaks of:
“My point is that a human being is more than the power or capacity
to think and to perform.” “The heart is the place where
we meet others, suffer, and rejoice with them. It is the place
where we can identify and be in solidarity with them.” “The
heart is the place of our oneness with others. The way of the
heart implies a choice.”57
-Jean Vanier
In becoming aware of some basic patterns for how people and organizations
grow and how communities and cultures are formed, we
begin to see how these paths are universal roads for the processes of
intrinsic learning and growth. It is at the crossroads of community that
we can choose the path of the heart that leads to intercultural sensitivity.
It is here, in these spaces between us, that we choose how to act
and can begin to adapt to cultural organization and its community
formation.
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Standing in solidarity with another at a cultural crossroads is a critical
point of meeting. This mutual support turns interactions toward
meaningful dialogue and quality-of-life outcomes. Solidarity paves a
“safe and loved” road for processes of full integration to unfold, returning
to a space of gentleness in our lives and in our relationships.
We hold true to this in our dialogue. This is the promise of Gentle
Teaching.
Choosing solidarity is a way of the heart that seeks the far reaches of
community formation with collaborative potential and possibility.This
is an important stand and step in the direction of Gentle Teaching. It’s
a solid building block in the formation of community and establishes
a vantage point for viewing the role of leadership.
“The central aspect of giving care revolves around the quality
of our relationships with those whom we serve.”58
These relationships include every level of interaction, as every person’s
part or role serves the whole of an agency, group, or organization
providing services.
“Circleship” is a concept and image I refer to in the design and formation
of community, for centering and offering the invitation and challenge
for each Individual’s meditation and participation. The concept
of circleship is unifying, as our role and collective purpose can be
reimagined for adjusting the lenses that influence our shared social
vision for how we view and practice leadership.
Working with the structural concept of “circleship” in the formation
of community is based on a psychology of interdependence. The
principles of interdependence that are rooted in a practice of Gentle
Teaching unify an understanding of our place and solidarity in community
(rather than in conflict) with one another. These patterns of
relationship-building and community formation more clearly identify
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89
and challenge assumptions and beliefs of bureaucratic structures that
create having power over rather than with others.
Within the circular, spiraling paths of relationship-building in a culture
of gentleness, we are forming mentoring communities and creating
a culture of hope.
Unconditional acceptance without judgment of others is what cultivates
inclusive communities. This is easier said than done. It requires
watchfulness in our daily practice and a commitment to the community
that is being influenced and formed through our interactions.
With every encounter and conversation, a place of gentleness exists
for planting seeds of hope and cultivating todays and tomorrows in
which quality-of-life outcomes can be anticipated.
As we return our attention to the foundational structure of how we
engage in the social patterns of dialogue (verbal and non-verbal), we
position ourselves in leadership roles for community formation. Like
dropping pebbles into a pond, today’s acts of gentleness create value
and meaning for tomorrow’s outcomes. The dynamics created in our
approach to interactions give direction to the formation of waves for
the future.
“The strategy for an alternative future is to focus on ways a
shift in conversation can shift the context and thereby create
an intentional future.”-Peter Block
In his research and writing on the development of community, author
Peter Block emphasizes how shifts in dialogue and structural
formation of power are needed in the formation of healthy communities.
He writes, “Reconciliation of community, or a future different
and not determined by the past, occurs through a shift in language.
Operationally, this means engaging in conversations we have not had
before.”59
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Block makes a clear distinction between conversations that invite
connection and dialogue that invites transformation. “Transformation
occurs through a different way of convening and holding powerful
conversations that are the embodiment of accountability and
commitment.”60
This is not to suggest that every conversation we have with another
needs to reach depths of transformation. It is to bear in mind and
know with one’s heart that a broader horizon for collaborative meeting
and mutual understanding exists in the space of our interactions;
that we, at least, hold this vision in our awareness, knowing it is within
our reach and our role of servant leadership; becoming present to
this and offering value that deepens what might be meaningful for
quality of life.
In a return to gentleness, we go back to the what is most basic for human,
social-emotional development: a sense of belonging. The recurring
themes of the social story that create this sense of belonging were
outlined in Chapter One, summarized by Al Condeluci as (1) being
acknowledged; (2) being appreciated; (3) being accepted.61
A sense of belonging can develop over time as an Individual interacts
with others, but it can also be experienced in a single moment of human
encounter with another.
The dynamic of “servant leadership,” which was developed by Robert
Greenleaf,62
identifies characteristics of person-centered, community
leadership, assuming a commitment to serving others as most essential.
Certain values are attributed by Greenleaf to servant leadership,
and his legacy of research and teachings describe approaches for interactions
that impact the strength and formation of community ties.
He says, “All that is needed to rebuild community as a viable life
form for large numbers of people is for enough servant-leaders to
show the way, not by mass movements, but by each servant-leader
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91
demonstrating his or her unlimited liability for a quite specific community-related
group.”63
The construction and implementation of dialogue is a critical aspect
of building relations and community formations. A servant leader is
committed to the growth of human beings, engaging others in dialogue
that is relatable to mentoring processes and the formation of
community. “Relationality,” as suggested by Martin Buber, is “true
interaction [that] emerges in ‘the space between’ where self and other
are inseparable.64
Viewing each role within an organizational structure as one of daily
striving to understand and demonstrate servant leadership acknowledges
each one’s intrinsic value within a community. This valuing
promotes shared learning and mentoring. This approach to interacting
with others brings levels of communication, tolerance, inclusion, and
justice back to the heart of human existence and how we are connected
with rather than separated from one another; engaging others
in conversation and dialogue that informs with life-giving and life-sustaining
value and meaning; collaborating in a shared mission to return
to gentleness, to the intrinsic value of being and becoming human.
We discover the gifts, together, along with the vulnerabilities. Raising
awareness and adding value with this approach to our interactions invites
a broader view of possibilities and creative solutions for a return
to gentleness. Moving in the direction of Gentle Teaching turns the
navigating of interactions toward a broader horizon of community,
for growing and for sowing seeds of change and transformation that
create a culture of hope.
“Our challenge is to move toward forming a community that
gives hope, encourages relationships, responds lovingly to
needs, and promotes human interdependence.”65
-Dr. John McGee
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The idea of circleship can help us picture our role and response-ability
that nurtures a return to gentleness. As we are cultivating value
and creating meaningful connections within the spiraling, evolving,
universal path of social-emotional development, we discover there
are progressive stages for this development. Jean Vanier speaks of this
lifelong development as “becoming human.”66
The process unfolds
through awareness and can shift from a place of exclusion or loneliness
to a place of inclusion and a sense of belonging, transforming
the Individual’s path with a new road to freedom, and then integrating
the heart with what he explains as the power of forgiveness. He connects
the full integration of the self with three forgiveness principles:
“(1) there can be no forgiveness of ourselves or of others without
understanding that we are all in this together, sharing a common humanity;
(2) forgiving means believing each one can evolve; (3) to be
forgiving means to yearn for unity and peace.”67
As discussed in the previous chapter, Joseph Campbell broadened
our understanding of social-emotional growth with a portrayal of this
developmental path as the hero’s journey, with its various steps and
stages described in relation to recurring themes that are universally
emergent throughout the journey of a human life, and with each
one’s “adventure” creating a unique narrative, relative to personal
and cultural value and meaning. As a person’s journey enters transformational
and collaborative processes, one’s voice and accompanying
narrative become coherent and resonant with community formation.
The Dialogue of Unconditional Love
(Acceptance Without Judgment)
The processes of dialogue begin with our own awareness and looking
at who we are, so we can better understand who the other is.
Beginning with self-reflection and self-assessment is our own invitation
to prepare for our role; to become receptive to the journey and
to our own development as a servant leader. How ready and willing
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93
are we to identify our role and response-ability in implementing a
framework of Gentle Teaching? This practice of self-assessment and
point of departure provides insight and a meaningful and practical
perception for viewing ourselves and our work with others; a social
vision that turns possibilities toward relationship-building.
A Personal Teaching Planner is an invaluable, navigational tool for the
mentor/caregiver/provider of services, prompting self-reflection and
the planning of concrete steps for engaging and guiding the mentoring
processes. How will I value? What/how will I teach? How will I
protect? How will this person be able to reciprocate the value of what
is being taught, discovered, and learned together?
Taking into consideration past and present quality of life conditions
and narrative, we can realistically view where we want to go and
how we can arrive at destinations for a culture of gentleness.
Planning the mentoring course prepares our interactions. With our
focus on value and meaning, a plan is facilitated by the mentor/caregiver
for the journey of dialogue. The language for dialogue speaks
to the heart of community formation, because it’s rooted in a sense
of belonging; of being included in processes of social-emotional development
that tend to the unconditional acceptance, learning, and
growing of human beings.
The language of table dialogue cultivates awareness in the direction
of Gentle Teaching, toward destinations of safe and loved, loving and
engaged. Through reflection and writing, a personal teaching plan
connects a servant leader’s role and response-ability with the foundation
of these Four Pillars, inviting visualization and preparation for
mentoring possibilities. Practical steps are logged into the mentoring
plan and the course becomes mapped out, allowing the servant leader
to envision clear goals for creating dialogue and developing one’s
narrative script. Working with a Personal Teaching Planner supports
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our role in unlocking value and meaning in relationship-building,
opening doors to possibilities that can mutually benefit outcomes of
the journey.
Essentially, a mentoring plan extends a personal invitation for the
deepening of our own engagement and practice in developing meaningful
dialogue and interactions. The building blocks for a framework
of Gentle Teaching require transparency and accountability, and this
planning tool helps in clearing a path for our view and forming the
steps for the direction we will take.
Additionally, a tool for planning keeps track of where we’ve been,
where we are, and where we are going, ensuring relevance and usefulness
of the dialogue and narrative being developed. It also serves
as a GPS-style indicator for guiding necessary, navigational adjustments
to mentoring processes, especially as new ways of being in the
environment and forming community are explored.
“In community formation, the guiding rule is unconditional
love, and the ongoing task of the care giving community is to
promote and deepen it.”68
– Dr. John McGee
In mentoring roles of servant leadership, the work cannot be effective
without accountability. When we are accountable, we become
watchful. In building relationships with a framework of Gentle
Teaching, it is this watchfulness that alerts us to possibilities for growth
and integration of value and meaning into the dialogue and narrative.
Working with a Personal Teaching Planner can assist in creating
valuable feedback for integrity and empowerment in effectiveness of
planned goals and intentions; it inscribes/puts into writing a concrete
approach for our interactions, and this supports overall integration of
what is being learned. The steps toward integration become critical
for transformative growth (self-awareness) and collaborative growth
(self-with-other awareness).
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With the unfolding development of narrative, one becomes connected
with the self. With the forming of community, one becomes connected
with others. Together in formation and direction, social fabric
is woven from exchanges between the inner and outer journey of
being and becoming human. Meaningful dialogue (verbal and nonverbal)
laterally shifts the structure of conversations within a community
(or within one’s personal hero’s journey). The power is with
each one in a transformative and collaborative community formation.
Without the benefit of a mentor or system of support, a caregiver would
begin this dialogue on their own. A Personal Teaching Planner serves as
an invaluable tool for a caregiver/mentor, especially one in this solo position.
But no matter how many or few the numbers are, creating a daily
discipline of planning is an important aspect of community formation.
In Chapter Five, we discussed the open, written dialogue that is created
with the Individual for the planning of a community-centered
celebration. Now, with the formation of community, this planning
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becomes personal for the caregiver/mentor, reflecting on their roles
and how they are seeking to grow as they come to know this other
person. They begin to think about the possibilities and planning for
how they can begin seeking out other members within the community
to grow with and engage with the Individual being served.
Dr. John McGee gave us images of “a kitchen table” and “kitchen
table dialogue” to symbolize the forming of these communities. The
image gives a clear picture for how the space should be thought of
and how it should feel: relaxed and inviting. With conditions created
for a learning environment and some knowledge applied to developmental
processes, people, like gardens, can grow and flourish.
But the processes do take time and patience. In the role of a servant
leader, there is commitment, and the effort is given.
We work with the “kitchen table” idea as a structure that holds a “safe
and loved” space for processes of dialogue to take place. This picture
comes to life as we implement a relationship-building framework
of Gentle Teaching: how we use our tools, how we value our role
of mentoring gentleness, building community, creating communitycentered
celebrations, developing quality-of-life plans, and developing
narrative through dynamics of dialogue. And with a Personal
Teaching Planner, we can plan and prepare.
Kitchen table dialogue incorporates the symbolic significance of a
kitchen table, an everyday object that often creates a relaxed atmosphere
and invites dialogue. With a framework of Gentle Teaching,
kitchen table dialogue is how we are using our tools for mentoring
processes related to a sense of belonging. Kitchen table dialogue
speaks to the inherent, human longing to feel at home, in the world,
in community with others. We create a kitchen table environment for
dialogue, whether it is a real table that we often do sit at with others,
or simply using our tools for establishing this kind of environment
as the social-emotional space that we hold for our conversations. It
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is the safe and loving space we offer for centering the processes of
dialogue.
If we dismiss or overlook a mindful centering of our dialogue with
an effective approach to relationship-building, we lend ourselves to
the confusion and chaos of shadows (compliance, correction, and
consequence) that create oppression and obstruction in relationships
and, ultimately, within community formation.
A return to gentleness is about cultivating a social vision that is interdependently
inclusive in its community formation. We use our tools
(hands, eyes, words, presence) for creating dialogue. When practiced
as a philosophy and integrated as a framework, the dialogue of Gentle
Teaching is aligned with what is relatable to universal processes of
becoming human, or with what is relatable to the metaphor of the
hero’s journey, respective to one’s place of awareness.
A daily commitment to the practice of Gentle Teaching can strengthen
the mentoring presence of non-judgment and inclusion. This presence
bears the gifts of servant leadership that is offered in an approach
to interactions, for navigating with a social vision that returns
gentleness to dialogue and to community formation.
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8
RECIPROCAL VALUE, a personal essay
on processes, patterns, and preparations
for mentoring with Gentle Teaching
Valuing is at the heart of mentoring work that begins with the valuing
of ourselves and our own possibilities for learning and growth.
Mentoring another or a group of others involves deep listening, setting
goals, and creating plans that provide forms and flows of imagination,
structure, and expansion. As servant leaders, we can engage
as role models by demonstrating, with others, how to create dialogue
and interactions that give direction and momentum to community
formation. When this mentoring model is reciprocated and replicated
with others, collaborative connections grow within the community.
A social well-being approach to relationship-building aligns with a
Gentle Teaching framework. I find that the implementation of Gentle
Teaching adds reciprocal value to this approach. How? With the direction
of dialogue and the developing of narrative script, unfolding
in real time relationship-building through successive cycles of mentoring.
When the voice of one’s story develops as their own, applications
for authentic integration bring added dimension and meaning
to one’s life. Whether in the form of meaningful script, the direction
of dialogue, or the shape of community-centered celebrations, the
transformative and collaborative power of developing narrative seeks
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the formation of community, adding reciprocal value to quality of life
for its members.
The value and meaning of mentoring moments unfold through (1) dialogue
(verbal and non-verbal), (2) the facilitator’s personal planning and
consideration of social and sensory elements and how these might invite,
influence, or impact one’s ability to process social-emotional information
within a living/learning environment, and most importantly, (3)
the learner’s awareness and sense of belonging that is rooted in feeling
safe and loved. This foundational aspect nurtures one’s capability and
level of engagement.
The dialogue begins with how we use our tools; how we make ourselves
present and how we communicate with our hands, eyes, and words to
engage with this person. We can observe patterns of growth throughout
the mentoring processes that are cultivating awareness with meaningful
connections. One’s journey of social-emotional awareness and growth
courses through four, successive flows of mentoring activity: awareness,
cultivation, transformation, and collaboration. The mentoring/teaching
plan for each course provides appropriate levels of (1) imagination
and dreaming: forming new ideas and concepts for self-awareness); (2)
structure: providing a positive, relationship-building dynamic and any
anticipated support(s) for one’s ease of engagement within the learning
environment; and (3) expansion: stretching the imagination; creating opportunities
for cultivating self-determination and intrinsic motivation for
personal growth by offering levels of differentiation; authenticating one’s
voice and expanding one’s narrative.
In systems of actual navigation at sea, ocean currents are identifiable
and predictable patterns of directed movement, generated by various
conditions and forces acting within and upon the water. We can identify
a parallel pattern of interconnected motion that is present in processes of
social-emotional learning and development in human beings.
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Throughout the mentoring journey, continuing cycles of learning direct
the formation, inclination, and outcomes of these processes. Within
each cycle are four predictable markers of growth, or, as mentioned
above, four successive flows of mentoring activity that are distinguishable
as overlapping patterns of intrinsic learning: awareness, cultivation,
transformation, and collaboration.
Consider, for a moment, that the subtle, social-emotional “body” is comprised
of energetic layers, overlapping to create an interconnected field
for processing connections with external environments. Any environment
such as a home environment, an emotional atmosphere, natural
or constructed surroundings, or social settings where we are interacting
with others, produces ‘learning’ on some level, because as one experiences
an environment, one is gathering information as sensory impressions
(including overload from emotionally charged or adverse environments).
Outcomes are influenced by how one is able to view and
assimilate received information and by how information becomes interpreted
through patterns of perception. Social vision is predicated upon
core assumptions and intercultural structures that form a framework for
one’s awareness and growth. This framework that forms self-perception
and engages one’s social-emotional awareness and presence for relating
to their surroundings and interacting with others, is influenced by
the heart-brain connection; how certain neurons are trained to fire and
travel paths of processing that order the information and create connections
(synapses) within the energetic field where one’s sense of self, is
mirrored.69
A social-emotional framework supports the ‘processing center’ that
acquires information and signals its direction. A return to gentleness
is a discovery or recovery of the juncture between oneself and one’s
interacting with and experiencing of various environments, signaling
the direction of Gentle Teaching. I find a practice of Gentle Teaching
to be most instrumental and practical for inviting engagement and the
gift of reciprocal value, working with each one’s reach for a sense of
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belonging, and for learning, together, how to navigate and cultivate
one’s social-emotional growth. For this journey to be genuine and
meaningful, ‘we make the road by walking’ a path that develops individuality,
self-determination and interdependence.
Feeling safe and loved sets the foundation for awareness and for learning
about naming, taming, and befriending emotions. We are teaching
one about how to embody the subtle nature of their being and how to
regulate the “flow” of emotions within various environments. Modeling
the framework and moving in the direction of GentleTeaching, we learn
to navigate, together, processes that serve one’s authentic self and autonomous
nature.
Through mentoring processes, one is supported for potentially learning
how to become present to the value and meaning of their feelings/emotions.
Through dialogue (verbal and non-verbal), relationship-building
opportunities cultivate unknowable degrees of awareness for one’s sense
and ability to relate to fine distinctions of their genuine nature, bringing
into to light both their gifts and vulnerabilities.
As each marker of social-emotional development becomes evident, we
can apply some knowledge and understanding about the main characteristics
of these developmental aspects or dominant markers that cycle
through learning processes, and also prepare ourselves for engaging in
mentoring moments that can avert one’s becoming completely engulfed
in conflicting or turbulent states of emotion. Ideally, we want to ensure
that our presence creates a connection as we implement a way, together,
to rebalance the foundation for learning [feeling (safe + loved) = a sense
of belonging] and be able to ride out each opportunity that presents
itself, each wave we encounter, together, engaging in dialogue and quality-of-life
outcomes.
The integration of one’s learning has begun when transformative and
collaborative cycles of the mentoring processes begin to emerge. With
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a sense of belonging, one can experience being acknowledged. This
awareness is the foundation for dialogue that paves the path for the integration
of one’s story, for one’s voice that becomes unified with a sense
of community.
Sustainability for one’s quality of life depends upon the accessibility, accommodation
and integration of their narrative script within their circle
of community. Quality of life refers to how one experiences daily life. A
“good” quality of life indicates one is engaged in meaningful activities
with others and having positive experiences. This has to include social
and educational systems. With acts of gentleness, reciprocal value is
gained for an Individual’s quality of life and returned in the formation of
community.
In studying the processes and patterns of social-emotional development,
we find four basic learning pillars for human awareness and development:
knowing, doing, sharing, being.The Four Pillars of GentleTeaching
relate all of this learning to a sense of belonging that is experienced in
proportion to one’s learning that they are safe and loved.
A Gentle Teaching framework cultivates these themes by focusing on
how we use our tools. Value and meaning unfold through dialogue.
These are the threads and patterns we re-frame, adding value for one’s
quality of life and developing meaningful script for one’s narrative. A
kitchen table environment is established for dialogue and the developing
of narrative. This is a mentoring approach that creates quality-of-life
outcomes.This approach supports the basic social conditions needed for
awareness and growth and cultivates the foundational emotional environment
necessary for developing a sense of belonging.
Interactions with others give form to social space. Where are we in this
formation? A Gentle Teaching practice cultivates an environment that
holds an interdependent valuing of each person, regardless of human
conditions.This is a path of dialogue in the direction of GentleTeaching.
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The dialogue keeps the mentoring environment moving toward destinations
that cultivate awareness and growth. We meet others in various
aspects and patterns of formation on their own path. In conversation
and self-reflection, I strive to cultivate mindfulness about how each one,
in their own time, must endure processes of learning and growth for
social-emotional development. I feel this outlook supports our journey
together and also the journey between us, as one is processing emotions,
and looking at opportunities and new concepts, alongside familiar
patterns. We can help one feel that ‘all is well’ between us and that we
are in this together, and that being present in this moment with you is a
gift that matters to me. Together, we expand possibilities for discovering
transformative elements that add value and meaning to the equation.
This equation sets a foundation of social equality for the unfolding of
narrative and is preparation for developing quality-of-life values.
To see ourselves and others through the lens of servant leadership, we
find our own invitation for creating a culture of gentleness through dialogue.
The “kitchen table” is a space and place for dialogue that invites
the mentoring of gentleness with the universal language of the heart. In
this formation, we become present on a path of solidarity with others.
Dialogue invites engagement in a formation that sets our course in the
direction of Gentle Teaching, creating momentum toward quality-of-life
outcomes.
A social vision shapes the formation of thought and perspective that
influences the direction and dynamics of actions and interactions. The
social vision of Gentle Teaching creates a lens through which we can
envision a framework that mutually benefits our interactions with others.
Mentoring is certainly something we can do “in the moment,” as demonstrated
so beautifully, for example, by Mother Teresa, but mentoring,
itself, is typically a longer-term commitment. It is a journey we take with
a person or group, with themes and purposes of exploration, discovery,
learning and growing, developing and integrating an unfolding narrative
over an extended period of time while working with specific goals.
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Using a Personal Teaching Planner helps in facilitating “what’s going to
happen next” and in creating wave patterns for the future of one’s quality
of life. It helps to pave the path for the mentoring journey, based on connections
we have made with what has been learned together, through
dialogue. Areas of needed support are identified.This is helpful information
for planning interactions that teach and invite engagement.
The beginning of this chapter illustrates the mentoring journey as having
four primary patterns of growth that move the relationship through
the learning cycles. We can identify and mentor from an understanding
of how these interconnecting cycles become apparent within one’s inner
learning environment, noticing the differing characteristics by one’s
placement of focus and energy in the dialogue, and we can prepare for
possible storms (dissent). With some insight of how the learning processes
unfold, we can begin to see how the storied self can be viewed
(as becoming human or as engaged in the hero’s journey), and how, as a
structure for the development of narrative, mentoring a return to gentleness
cultivates coherence.
Awareness, Cultivation, Transformation, and Collaboration are four patterns
or dominant markers of learning dynamics that provide “a table”
for mapping out our course of dialogue. An understanding of these naturally
occurring cycles for intrinsic learning support the mentoring role
in expanding a social well-being approach by viewing this structure of
interconnecting learning cycles as a platform for developing narrative.
The mentoring role supports the cycles of awareness and growth by
incorporating imagination, structure, and expansion into the dialogue
and discovery processes. These are three concepts that, when applied
in mentoring and teaching, create ‘form’ and ‘flow’ and cultivate continuity
for one’s journey of growth and awareness. Within each area, we
focus on differing dynamics and implement fluctuating levels of “form
and flow” factors to support the learner in their present awareness and
ability for engagement.
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With IMAGINATION, we apply principles of Gentle Teaching, laying
the foundation for the mentoring journey. The presence of unconditional
love invites trust and shares the social vision that is a return
to gentleness. With imagination, we cultivate connections and are
planting seeds of hope. What can we see and what can we dream?
With STRUCTURE, we integrate the practice and tools of the Gentle
Teaching framework that build on the foundation and cultivate the relationship,
establishing the patterns for dialogue and forming the relationship
as the “vehicle” for engaging the flow of awareness for the
mentoring journey. What can we build and learn? How can we grow?
With EXPANSION, we implement the promise of Gentle Teaching,
using the framework of safe, loved, loving, and engaged for expanding
the foundation of one’s learning, offering differentiation. How
have we grown? What do we know?
(1) Pattern of AWARENESS is about observing, adjusting, and focusing
the lens of Gentle Teaching, centering on unconditional LOVE;
the mentoring role provides form and flow factors that initiate imagination
and accelerate structure, without any focus on expansion.
This beginning part of the mentoring cycle is about cultivating one’s
capacity for awareness of who they are; of “seeing” themselves as
unconditionally accepted and, for us, “finding” ourselves and “the
other” within the full circleship of “safe and loved”; it’s about gaining
insight into our approach for interacting with others and learning
about this learner’s style of communicating and processing; it’s about
creating an invitation for companionship and community (learning
and growth). We increase flows of imagination and relationship-forming
structure to create social-emotional waves for connecting one’s
view with what one can envision through dreaming, role-playing,
and storytelling (developing narrative through dialogue). Together, we
are creating relationship maps that invite new paths and possibilities
for one’s awareness to see and to feel unconditional acceptance and
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love; for imagining oneself in the relationship-building picture, arriving
at quality-of-life destinations. The perspective we gain through
awareness of ourselves and our real work with others is focused away
from barriers and behaviors that interfere with service or mentoring.
Instead, our presence and awareness are guided toward identifying
existing value and possibilities for meaningful interaction with the
person we are mentoring.
(Awareness) Meaningful mentoring actions for this marker include creating
meaning and value with their narrative script, walking with one’s
imagination and utilizing role-play by modeling attitudes and actions
that reflect the 3P’s of Gentle Teaching (principle, practice, promise);
sharing inspirational stories that illustrate a culture of gentleness and the
social vision that cultivates companionship and community.
(Awareness) Themes and Outcomes of this marker: Begin understanding
the four developmental cycles of social-emotional learning and begin to
recognize the various indicators of growth and development that shift
throughout the mentoring processes.
(2) Pattern of CULTIVATION is about listening and learning about the
other person, offering differentiation, and cultivating discovery. Here,
the mentoring role provides a reduced flow of imagination and formation
of structure and increases the flow and form of expansion by incorporating
differentiation. The initial part of this mentoring interval is
about exploring possibilities; creating some meaningful moments and
cultivating a new understanding about relationships and how we can
learn from each other. The latter part of what emerges here is about setting
goals and implementing mentoring plans with active engagement,
acts of gentleness, and social justice. Social justice isn’t just about acceptance
and inclusion; it’s about making adjustments within the developmental
framework to integrate what is being learned, cultivating
the vision and allowing the journey to begin moving through barriers of
denial, through to minimization, the acceptance, the doing, and then,
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finally, true integration.70
Policies, our words, our community, and the
home environment all provide the platform for full integration.
(Cultivation) Meaningful mentoring actions for this marker include encouraging
development of strategies (by looking inward and reflecting
on what has been useful and what has been useless); gently challenging
the learner to move outside of their comfort zone, learning to befriend
their emotions; asking them to embrace behaviors (stop, prevent, or
change); asking them to consider and reflect upon the possible negative
impacts of their own actions. In this step of mentoring, we are identifying
the skills one needs (lagging skills) to grow in awareness and become
successful.
(Cultivation) Themes and Outcomes of this marker: Become familiar
with tools that assist in communicating and navigating through recurring
patterns (assessment tools, the Personal Teaching Planner), becoming
mindful of valuing and by learning how to offer support, encourage
differentiation, and guide the social vision through dialogue and narrative
development.
(3) Pattern of TRANSFORMATION is about changing the lens or
fundamentally changing our usual way of perceiving or doing
something. The mentoring role at this interval provides a moderate
flow of imagination, limited structure, and a moderate flow of
expansion. Processes of integration are forming as one is sensing
or feeling change and the expansion within him/herself with the
“new” self or new knowledge that is taking root, emerging with
varying degrees of newfound confidence, competence, self-determination.
The mentor observes the learning and the transformative
steps being taken, offering guidance while gently stepping back.
(Transformation) Meaningful mentoring actions for this marker include
balancing your need to help against the learner’s need to act independently;
helping them become more aware; identifying the value of the
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narrative script; identifying the support needed to help facilitate this
journey (not necessarily the mentor having to take the lead, but for the
mentor to be able to rely on resources and others within the community
for support of the mentoring processes).
(Transformation) Themes and Outcomes of this marker: Develop an understanding
of what constitutes and acknowledges value, and of how
meaning is created through interactions that influence an Individual’s
discovery and potential for development.
A sense of loss or anxiety is part of the transformative processes. Being
consistent with value (safe and loved) and presence is important, especially
as the Individual can be struggling with their own identity.
Consistency in dialogue and presence supports capability, possibilities,
and vulnerabilities.
Acknowledge their concerns without taking care of them. Have them
befriend their concerns as they learn to do with and for others (without
you) but remain present within the space of the relationship.
(4) Pattern of COLLABORATION is about transitioning from previous
conditions and limitations to integrating the changed dynamics and new
developments. In this fourth interval of learning, the mentoring role provides
a limited flow of imagination, limited structure, and no effort toward
expansion. This learning peak indicates a unity of goals (inclusion
and solidarity) and of working together and celebration. Collaboration
can be about setting new goals, creating teamwork, closure, or beginning
the process again with new opportunities.
(Collaboration) Meaningful mentoring actions for this marker are to deal
openly with new terms of the relationship; acknowledge the learner’s
concerns without giving solutions; serve as a resource for ideas and to
identify suggestions.
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(Collaboration) Themes and Outcomes of this marker: to learn how selfreflection
and self-assessment can improve visibility of the underlying
processes, clarifying direction and focus.
PERSONAL OPPORTUNITIES AND
PERSONAL TEACHING PLANNERS
At an operational level, the personal opportunity I’ve experienced
and one that I most often encounter among parents, students, professionals,
or with anyone who is mentoring or learning to work in
a mentoring role, is in the daily commitment and support for the
Individual’s personal growth, where the talk must become the walk.
“We make the road by walking.”71
-Paulo Friere
This commitment is about our willingness to be prepared, to understand
the narrative value, and then to concretely form (through writing)
steps that envision the possibilities for dialogue and map the course for
how, in our role of mentoring, we see ourselves valuing, teaching, protecting,
and encouraging reciprocation throughout the journey.
Planning supports our steps and focus for teaching, increasing the capacity
of our role in effective mentoring and engagement. A mindful presence
adds value and meaning to the direction and purpose of mentoring
interactions and supports the preservation of personal resolve to mentor
a spirit of gentleness. Mentoring with a framework of Gentle Teaching
is a conscious commitment to act and interact within a culture of life.
A Personal Teaching Planner is a writing tool for planning the course of
dialogue and how we will teach. Also, this tool helps to anchor a mentor
or provider’s personal resolve to remain present, cultivating meaning
and value throughout the different patterns of awareness and growth.
Working with a Personal Teaching Planner prepares and provides the
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facilitator with insights, knowledge, and navigational markers for meaningful
interaction. For the mentoring role, having these things at the
forefront of our interactions, cultivates perspicacity for the collaborative
journey of gentleness.
A mentoring role requires self-assessing and learning to expand the
view of where we are and where we are going with the person(s)
being mentored. This leadership and learning become increasingly
important as natural growth processes of social-emotional development
inevitably dive into aspects of dissent. In moments of mentoring,
the possibility of suddenly finding yourself in uncharted waters
is something we can prepare ourselves for. These moments can challenge
well-intended commitment and resolve to mentor with Gentle
Teaching. Having a plan worked out in advance supports navigating
through stormy weather.
We don’t necessarily expect stormy weather, but we need be prepared
for this as well, because it comes with mentoring territory. With transformative
and collaborative phases of growth, there is, without exception,
a pulling away; an element of resistance as the Individual now integrates
the learning more deeply, as growth in self-determination and realization
prepares to take ownership and responsibility.
What has become learned is now being put to the test. The pulling
away is from the expanded edge of what has become known. It is actually
a leap of awareness, test-driving the relationship vehicle on the
Individual’s own terms, essentially challenging themselves, much like a
person learning to swim or a bird learning to fly.
We are arriving at a familiar place. It is “returning home” with new perspective
and new moral memory; it is a return to gentleness. Dissent
aspects can appear in subtle or strong ways, and a mentor can become
aware of risk factors so mentoring processes don’t get misguided. In the
transformative phase, dissent is indicating that the Individual is ready or
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not to take ownership of his/her narrative, from a place of belonging;
finally seeing/sensing themselves as the adventurer in their life-story; as
the hero of their own journey.
IN CONCLUSION, A VALUING OF GIFTS
“Our care is based on unconditional love. Our task is to find
ways to express human warmth where there is fear, meaninglessness,
neglect, abuse, confusion, anger, frustration, and
despair. Our only gift is unconditional love.” -Dr. John McGee
In mentoring gentleness, we are engaging in the social well-being of
the community as a whole. With the forming of meaningful narrative,
we cultivate connections for companionship and for community,
creating the invitation for others to feel safe with us, to feel invited
to engage with us, to feel unconditionally valued by us, and to feel
encouraged to reciprocate unconditional valuing with us.
A culture of hope springs from a culture of life. In working toward
quality-of-life outcomes, a servant leader is an agent of change. In the
words of Dr. John McGee:
“A culture of life is one in which nonviolence is the focus
and gentleness is seen as an act of justice. It recognizes that
all change is mutual and is a life-project. It sees each caregiver
as a servant leader. It looks for change in the smallest of
things.”72
Awareness of differences is only the beginning. In a Gentle Teaching
environment, intercultural sensitivity plays a big role in developing
sustainable, quality-of-life-centered communities. Assessment checklists
are available that help in planning how to transition from “props”
or practices that tend to form a “secondary” culture. Aware or not,
re-examining the social vision that we hold for community formation
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gives us a closer look at the power of perception and its connection
with how we perceive ourselves, others, and our shared environment;
the heart holds the power of choice and self-determination for how
we feel we can act and interact. As it’s been said in many ways by
others before us, we must first dream it, imagine it, see it, and then
plan it.
Throughout my many years of private practice, the Individual’s ability
to function is primarily assessed for purposes of learning how to
increase quality of life value. I also look at the gifts and vulnerabilities—what
the person brings into their life experience, so I can
implement a mentoring plan that invites growth and the capacity to
become aware of opportunities.
The clinical term for my approach to assessing value is called a psychosocial
model. With this person-centered approach, the state of
physical and mental wellness is viewed in the context of combined
influences in an Individual’s life that create their living/learning environment.
Various dynamics are looked at within the environment, for
evaluating the relation of environment with the ability to function. A
Gentle Teaching framework helps me to identify needs for accessibility;
not just physical needs, but what is needed for social-emotional
development.
Research tells us that change requires three things: awareness, the
learning of new skills, and being provided with a choice—an opportunity
for improved quality of life. In my assessing of an Individual’s
ability (or lack thereof) to engage, I then look at how social-emotional
awareness and learning can be better experienced with support
and identify what supports and learning processes can be made
accessible.
My prescribed treatment plans are based on the expansion of the eight
quality-of-life values and on the elements of companionship within
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a relationship-building framework. This is a framework of Gentle
Teaching; the framework I recommend for mentoring gentleness and
for creating the relationship-building vessel for navigating nine, quality
of life destinations that naturally correlate to social-emotional patterns
of learning and growth; to being and becoming human.
From my own observations and years of professional experience in
working with others, I can say wholeheartedly that how the space of
our interactions is prepared affects how dialogue can take place. A
kitchen table environment is a perfect concept for this space that we
prepare and protect as a place that is safe and loved, because it is a
vessel for experiences of feeling loved and for trusting the mentoring
processes that become accessible through dialogue.
With each pattern of learning and growth, a Gentle Teaching framework
invites each person to glimpse a social vision that is inclusive
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and relatable to awareness of self (through companionship) and a
sense of belonging (community). The Four Pillars of Gentle Teaching
support the development and integration of the learning processes
with meaningful narrative. Mentoring gentleness cultivates value and
meaning for the spaces and places of the inner and outer journey,
the Individual journey of “the hero” taking ownership of their lifestory
and the collective journey of inclusive community formation.
Relationship-building with a framework of Gentle Teaching is a return
to gentleness, adding reciprocal value to a social well-being approach
with a narrative structure for the development of dialogue.
In human development, freedom and the genuine feel of self-determination
are only concepts, until they can naturally unfold and become
told through an Individual’s narrative story. This is a quality-of-life
goal and outcome of Gentle Teaching, produced through relationship-building
processes that mentor a return to gentleness.
A culture of gentleness creates an inclusive environment, with respect
for intercultural sensitivity. Our commitment to the mentoring
processes invites us to be present with unconditional acceptance. In
the space of our interactions, unconditional acceptance nourishes the
roots of social justice. With the unfolding of companionship, the developing
narrative holds value and meaning for the Individual’s life.
How does the meaningful narrative become useful, relatable data?
How is the value for quality of life sustained within social structures?
The answers weigh in on the scale of social justice, as full integration
validates and provides accessibility, through dialogue, for inclusion
in community formation.
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9
MENTORING A SPIRIT OF
GENTLENESS, navigating change and
developing narrative with the momentum
of “safe and loved”; shifting dialogue
toward destinations that return one to a
culture of gentleness; adding value to a
service model with Gentle Teaching
A framework of Gentle Teaching adds value to a social well-being
approach by cultivating dialogue and integrating a narrative structure
for quality of life and for creating meaningful information with
others in the community. Relationship-building interactions of dialogue
relate to principles of inclusion, respect, and social justice.
While these ideas may have a place of importance or moral value
in systems and services that support social well-being, assumptions,
inferences and/or a lack of more practical/meaningful consideration
at the level of dialogue and delivery of services can leave unresolved
marginalization.
Relationship-building dialogue centers on inclusion and mutual respect.
Acts of gentleness address marginalization and its deeper dimensions
of social justice that, today, are not without segregation.
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Since 1996, I have been serving as executive director of an agency,
mentoring staff and training others in a Quality-of-Life Model of
Services. This model incorporates a Gentle Teaching platform for reconciling
these concepts, with definitive measures for community formation,
and social change that begins with our role in providing services.
Our role extends accountability into the community of support
for the Individual and/or to those overseeing the delivery of services,
and is conscientious about developing shareable, sustainable narrative.
Shareable narrative is meaningful information, with directives for
dialogue that can inform others in the community about how to value
an Individual’s self-determination and best support their quality of
life. Having an open-ended structure for life planning, an Individual’s
narrative can continue to develop as their life continues to unfold.
With a relationship-building vehicle for mentoring, the social vision
of Gentle Teaching looks at social formation and its recurring
themes73
in relation to each one’s intrinsic voice and path of dialogue
for social-emotional development.
Cultivating companionship and community with others instills the invitation
and nurtures growth for social-emotional awareness. One can
feel acknowledged, appreciated, and unconditionally accepted when
this social foundation is positively established through relationshipbuilding.
Humans are social beings. On the universally recognized
path of becoming human, these recurring themes seek the social conditions
for one’s self-awareness and other-awareness to unfold.
To the unknowable degree that an Individual is able to experience
this for him/herself, a framework of Gentle Teaching cultivates dialogue
that creates accessibility and invites engagement. As this interrelated
field of social factors is explored and becomes known through
values of relationship-building, intrinsic learning becomes possible
with what most foundationally and essentially benefits the overcoming
of social-emotional barriers to self-actualization.
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Intrinsic learning is what Carl Rogers refers to as true learning that
cultivates human potential.74
He associates the term insatiable curiosity
synonymously with learning, theorizing and demonstrating how
this core of curiosity shifts attention and receptivity toward integrated
learning, because, he claims, curiosity springs from human nature
and enables discovery processes to move along unobstructed paths.
“Over the years. the research evidence keeps piling up, and it
points strongly to the conclusion that a high degree of empathy
in a relationship is possibly the most potent and certainly
one of the most potent factors in bringing about change and
learning.”75
-Carl Rogers
For mentoring processes, enriching a social well-being approach with
the social vision of Gentle Teaching cultivates engagement and challenge
for social-emotional awareness and growth, with needed imagination,
structure, and expansion. The narrative ethic of the framework
leads with intrinsic curiosity that becomes discoverable through the
relationship-building dialogue. Within the context (meaning and value)
of the Four Pillars, the dialogue expands a sense of wonder, deepens
experience, and adds value to quality of life as the Individual’s
narrative develops through the collaboration of learning and growing
together.
As a social vision, Gentle Teaching shifts our professional opportunity
toward a broader perception of our role and responsibility in providing
services, and also in the mentoring of others who are also providing
services.
A mentor is more than a caregiver. A mentor models for and with
others, teaching and cultivating companionship and community.
Mentoring processes teach caregivers how to mentor a spirit of gentleness
with Individuals, and how to pursue non-violence and social
justice in their practice as they move in the direction of Gentle
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Teaching. This is the value, the gift of Gentle Teaching. This is the direction
for all of us, but each of us must walk our own path. This is the
journey of gentleness and the road we walk with another, developing,
with them, a narrative path of value and meaning, a road that carries
their voice into the world.
In mentoring a spirit of gentleness, we learn to listen to the
Individual’s unique voice (this can be a mode of expression and/
or style of communication). Cultivating companionship and community
keeps our navigation centered within the framework that is
supporting and valuing safe and loving environments as we navigate,
together, the destinations. A “safe and loved” environment acknowledges,
appreciates, and demonstrates unconditional love and
acceptance of the person.
In mentoring a spirit of gentleness, we learn how to navigate destinations
for walking through and working through the recurring, universal
themes associated with social-emotional learning and growth. We
map out our course for developing and writing out a quality-of-life
plan, identifying eight basic values or themes for mentoring. Each
area of learning, growth, and development is important for the unifying
of the whole, i.e., creating coherence for the Individual’s story
and consistency and value for their quality of life.
When working with an Individual or group of Individuals, a Personal
Teaching Planner can be used in mapping out our mentoring course
and developing the dialogue for navigating the journey. With any of
the nine destinations summarized in this chapter, we can, depending
on relationship-building conditions, be or navigating the heart. Each
destination creates a setting for where we are going on the mentoring
journey. We are mindful of how we are using our tools. How we
navigate the relationship-building journey, and reach the destinations
with an Individual, is through the interaction of dialogue, both verbal
and non-verbal.
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A mentor’s practice expresses the qualities of servant leadership,
and this role, in the words of Dr. John McGee, is an ever-deepening
task:
“Mentoring is an ever-deepening task that calls for the development
of trust among caregivers and the formation of a
sense of companionship and community. This trust starts by
the mentor entering into the caregiver’s space with a deep
sense of humility and justice and helping each caregiver feel
safe and respected. It is the informal coming together of the
mentor and caregiver around the kitchen table and the sharing
of the meaning of companionship and community. It is
working together and finding ways to teach marginalized
people these feelings.”76
New or broader perspectives can change the meaning or significance
of one’s narrative, adding dimensions of value and expanding possibilities
for quality of life. Dialogue is the foundation for the storied
self. Mentoring a spirit of gentleness cultivates a coherent narrative;
“becoming human” through the making and mending of social fabric,
connecting conversational threads with value and meaning.
With a measuring tool of eight universal values for identifying main
areas of social-emotional development, we can identify and view patterns
of growth and assess how these inclinations affect an Individual’s
present quality of life. With this knowledge, we can navigate with the
momentum of safe and loved that continues to protect and strengthen
one’s sense of belonging.
When the surface appears turbulent or stormy, we navigate the heart.
Now navigation requires a shift; one that is knowledgeable, yet most
of all, effective in protecting and nurturing the sense of connection
that is experienced through elements of companionship.
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A Quality-of-Life Model alternates between two different navigational
modes that allow for changing or shifting the focus to stay on the course
of safe and loved, depending on whether the need is for teaching or for
navigating the heart. Dynamics of awareness and energy continuously
move attention, engagement, and experience from one wave to the next.
Navigating change is about comprehension strategies for managing how
the relationship-building vehicle is moving in the direction of Gentle
Teaching, toward destinations of safe and loved, loving and engaged.
Whether we are teaching or navigating the heart during stormy weather,
both the narrative ethic (the how) and the moral ethic (the why) of a
Gentle Teaching framework is about reclaiming the power of the heart
that moves one toward feeling safe and loved. Four differing aspects contribute
to how one experiences connectedness within the relationship, to
how one’s social-emotional development processes create the ebb and
flow of learning/experiencing “safe and loved” throughout the journey.
With a Quality-of-Life Model, Navigating the Heart During Stormy
Weather77
is the crisis-intervention plan for nurturing and protecting
the individual through difficult moments, affected by: (1) the
Individual’s own intrinsic motivation to feel safe and loved; (2) the
Individual’s crisis to feel safe and loved; (3) the caregiver’s interaction
with the Individual to feel safe and loved; and (4) the destination of
our teaching to feel safe and loved.
Mentoring is always valuing. Teaching is what we do when both the
Individual and caregiver are in a state of peace. Protecting is what
we do during moments of difficulty (stormy weather). In moments of
difficulty, we protect the Individual who will benefit most with our
understanding and companionship. In these moments, the Individual
needs a companion. When the moment of difficulty shifts back to a
harmonious dynamic, we can reflect together on the moment and
talk about what might be learned from the experience.
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When teaching, the mentor’s role is mainly focused on the course
mapped out as their personal teaching plan for reaching destinations
that benefit social-emotional experience and growth with this person.
Engaged in the processes that mentor a spirit of gentleness, we are
valuing, teaching, protecting, and reciprocating, teaching in moments
of peace and protecting in moments of difficulty. When an Individual
begins to reciprocate what has been learned, returning the value that
has been shared, we come full circle with the teaching.
During a crisis (Navigating the Heart During Stormy Weather), we
are not focused on the teaching aspects at all, only mentoring. Our
primary role here is to re-center the Individual’s connection with us
as their caregiver. It begins with understanding what a life of structure
means for the Individual. It means security and safety, and this can
be re-established by letting the person know that they are valued by
you; it is helpful to mirror back to them that their experience matters,
i.e., acknowledging that you see they are frustrated or upset. Use
your tools to communicate companionship and express valuing that
supports self-worth and their sense of belonging. Once their connection
returns as a feeling of being safe, we can build on this awareness
and continue moving through the storm in the direction of Gentle
Teaching.
This is important feedback for the mentoring staff, because all of our
commitment, intentions, and interactions are based on creating and
adding value and meaning to one’s quality of life. This feedback provides
staff with the opportunity to review and make adjustments, as
needed, for maintaining the delivery standards for a Quality-of-Life
Model of service. The assessment also provides clear indicators for
navigating the most practical, meaningful destinations with this person.
The quality of assurance process keeps us charting the course
together, benefitting the individual with services that add value and
meaning to their life, and benefitting the mentor in their practical
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and concrete planning for teaching and reaching mentoring goals
with this person.
We create a non-violent intervention during a crisis by integrating
the use of our tools (hands, eyes, words, presence) with the skills of
navigating the heart. This intervention engages the mentor in cultivating
a harmonious connection with the person in crisis, a therapeutic
response described as attunement, ‘a kinesthetic and emotional
sensing of others.’78
Again, Navigating the Heart During Stormy Weather is used for crisis
intervention in situations of distress or unrest. It is a time to protect
and befriend one’s moment of difficulty. Conveying and recreating an
Individual’s unbroken connection with you, their caregiver, is what
we focus on to acknowledge, with the person, that they are and can
feel protected; safe and loved. We do this with elements of companionship
and using our hands, eyes, words, and presence to communicate
unconditional love, the value and meaning of our companionship
with them.
Navigational skills can improve with an understanding of the root
causes of turbulence that can bring on stormy weather. It helps to be
attentive to elements of companionship and watchful of conditions
that might be affecting or interfering with an Individual’s sense of
peace or their ability to feel safe and loved.
Reclaiming the Power of the Heart is a process for quality assurance
for this service model. Periodically, an assessment is done to identify
where an Individual is in terms of their self-perception and how this
is connecting with their sense of belonging (feeling safe and loved).
This tool constructs an insightful evaluation of the effectiveness of
our teaching, and how an Individual is able to perceive what is being
taught and how they are experiencing the services being received.
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The four areas we look at for Navigating the Heart, as mentioned above
(intrinsic motivation, crisis, interactions, destinations) represent the innermost,
interrelated chambers of the inner journey, unifying socialemotional
awareness with a meaningful, “safe and loved” sense of self.
These are four areas, respectively different but interrelated, that work
together as a “processing center” for social-emotional learning and
development. How an Individual is experiencing the sum of these
and able to make sense of teaching and learning to feel safe and
loved stems from a balancing of these four areas. In navigating teaching
and in navigating the heart through stormy weather, learning how
to assess and navigate through the synergistic elements and workings
of this inner, shifting landscape, reclaims the power of the heart.
(1)	Intrinsic Motivation to Feel Safe and Loved. An Individual may
have many reasons for needing to feel safe and loved, and these
may appear in some form with their actions. These can include
but are not limited to craving attention, escaping the current situation,
searching for specific sensory inputs, or even looking for a
specific, tangible outcome. While we might be quick to conclude
that an Individual is not controlling or regulating his/her actions
or behavior according set expectations, and react or respond from
this viewpoint, this approach proves to be counterproductive and
ineffective. We can work through these moments more easily
when we can identify the motivating factor as it is relating to the
root areas for social-emotional development, where an Individual
is making connections for how to trust, how to act, how to feel,
how to communicate, how the person can learn and how they
can reciprocate what is being learned.
With current research that is focused on nervous system structures
and functioning and several other aspects of neuroscience,
we know that there’s more to understanding how intrinsic motivation
becomes developed in human beings.
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Intrinsic motivation develops differently with each person. In teaching
and navigating the heart, a clear lens of non-judgment is critical
in our viewing of this, as we must look closely at our own expectations,
assumptions, and cultural beliefs about challenging behavior,
so we can work more clearly with the structural roots that develop
an Individual’s foundational learning and motivational responses.
Beliefs can be valid, but they are not always relevant in the moment
with a person. Curiosity and challenge play important roles in working
with this development. There is no “one size fits all” approach.
When a person is frustrated, we try to identify how (s)he is experiencing
feelings in relation to the eight quality-of-life values. What
is most important in these moments is not pulling away or reacting
in a way that “uproots” where they are, but to begin from where
they are planted in this moment and support the foundation of who
they are in a culture of gentleness, unconditionally loved.
Until a person is able to recognize other possibilities (from our
teaching and modeling) and make a connection, a shift can’t
be made. One isn’t able grow from any other place except from
right where they are planted, and this includes how they are
feeling connected within their surroundings. The external environment
is an integral part of how an Individual experiences “I
exist” and where they are, as well as their internal, social-emotional
environment. If a person at least feels safe, they might
respond with intrinsic curiosity. If they feel at all threatened,
attempts to teach will most likely be rejected.
Teaching is effective for social-emotional growth when it is done
in moments of peace—that is, when the person feels safe and
loved. This invites intrinsic curiosity to wander into the space of
relationship-building, but so, too, the social-emotional self can
ease into a new awareness and the unfolding discovery of the self
in companionship and community with others.
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The way human beings are wired for social-emotional learning
shuts down when distress or turbulence is being experienced. An
Individual cannot engage in learning processes when experiencing
strong feelings of frustration. If a shift is demanded during this time,
this is not learning, and obstructs and delays the natural processes for
unfolding and development. Identifying and working with lagging
skills, which we learn about by working with the quality-of-life values,
puts us on a path of understanding and being able to create the
teachable moments that will help the Individual learn how they can
choose differently and successfully engage in challenging moments.
As caregivers, we try to avoid frustrating moments, but in these
moments is not a time for teaching, but for cultivating hope and
unconditional love. It is a time for reconnecting (returning to
gentleness) with the Individual’s inherent longing and ability to
feel safe and loved. Our role in this moment is to cultivate a connection
with this person that can begin to lessen their fears and
frustrations, allowing them space, not for learning, but for experiencing
feeling safe and loved in your presence. It is their experience
in this moment that we build upon at a later time when we
are teaching; when there is this possibility now created for them
to learn from their experience. This is about creating new moral
memory with this person.
If you can picture the pivoting movements of a rudder that steers
a ship, this illustrates the flexibility we can learn in mentoring a
spirit of gentleness. In navigating the heart, especially, we find
ourselves having to shift from a teaching/mentoring role to one
of creating connections and mending, as tears in the social fabric
need to be mended. Unconditional love is guiding the navigation.
“If we have no peace, it is because we have
forgotten that we belong to each other.”
-Mother Teresa
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It’s important to understand that social-emotional learning is a
complex process of growing. The pace and innermost path for
how this process unfolds for each person, however, is what we
can support and learn more about. When someone is frustrated,
how are they able to communicate their needs and wants? What
are their lagging skills, and how might these be affecting their
ability to self-regulate and identify feelings? How can they communicate?
“Choice” implies possibilities that the Individual is
aware of and can relate to. We want to help the person in making
these connections.
On the surface, outward manifestations most often present themselves
because of unresolved, social-emotional challenges, indicating
that a skill needs to be learned. The person is never “the problem”
to fix. Rather, we look at “the process” of how the Individual
has internalized or learned his/her path for connecting with others
and with the environment. A Quality-of-life Model does an assessment
of lagging skills.79
This lets us look at “the processing” of demands
within the environment, so a solution can be determined that
doesn’t compromise navigating to destinations of safe and loved.
As mentioned earlier in this chapter, Carl Rogers spoke about intrinsic
motivation being a core condition for meaningful learning.
Rogers claimed that “attitudinal qualities” (congruence, unconditional
acceptance, empathy) are necessary for an effective learning
environment. He emphasized the critical importance of cultivating
natural curiosity, creating the phrase: “insatiable curiosity,”
which he used synonymously, with learning.80
Rogers’ experiential work demonstrated how it is the very core
of curiosity that drives a person to learn. With a Gentle Teaching
framework, cultivating inherent curiosity is at work through the
development of our dialogue. This support of social-emotional
awareness, engagement, and growth cultivates lifelong learning.
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In the fabric of one’s life, lagging skills are (a) loose threads that
can be skillfully rewoven and redirected, or (b) tears in the social
fabric that need to be mended. The entirety of an Individual’s narrative
portrays a series of connected, interwoven stories. Through
relationship-building, the weaving and reworking of the socialemotional
threads is achieved with dialogue, weaving each part
of one’s story into a unified, cohesive narrative.
Each destination is of no lesser or greater importance. Each supports
awareness and growth with a “setting” for dialogue and for
mapping out the steps of our navigational course. All destinations
benefit the journey of relationship-building, some more than others
as specific challenges or possibilities for growth and learning
arise, providing the focus for our navigation. Like the spokes of
a wheel, each destination connects with one’s potential for discovery,
an intrinsic hub of curiosity seeking awareness through
interaction, participation and engagement.
With insight into how an Individual experiences critical dynamics
or environmental factors, we can better understand what holds
value for them and how they experience meaning in their life.
Together, we can learn from this window of understanding and
opportunity. Incorporating lagging skills into the picture is a critical
piece of the puzzle, allowing us to shift our view and look at
adverse situations through the wider scope of navigating change.
(2)	 Crisis. A crisis can take different forms and is not necessarily dramatic.
It can be hidden from the surface and can be something
that dialogue with this person reveals to us. A crisis can be developmental,
situational, existential, or even environmental for a
person who has experienced loss from a natural disaster. We address
each crisis differently, but regardless of the crisis, we always
can do our best in making the Individual feel safe and loved while
we are together. Even through difficulties, we can be aware of the
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direction we want to take and do all we can to facilitate and communicate
this with the person.
(3)	 Interactions. The spoken and unspoken dialogue of our interactions
is most important for building trust with an Individual. We
show more about our love and trust that we share through our
actions than we ever would be able to with words alone. Because
of this, we must focus much of our attention on the way we speak,
play, talk, and experience things with the Individuals we care so
much about. Elements of companionship find expression through
unconditional love. These elements of relationship-building center
our journey upon the current of unconditional love that connects
experiential learning with all the destinations.
(4)	 Destinations. Showing the Individual what it is to be and to feel
safe and loved is the direction and destination of Gentle Teaching.
As trust develops the foundation for the framework, we will be
able to return to navigating teaching.
A return to gentleness begins with acknowledging our own responseability
for social justice and seeing ourselves in a role of servant leadership
with this person. Our ability to act is initiated by our capacity
to be unconditionally accepting and present with this person, engaging
in dialogue that shifts an Individual’s place of experience throughout
moments of the journey, toward destinations of safe and loved.
How does relationship-building look when turbulence arises? Where
can we go and how do we get there? In these moments, our mentoring
goal is not to teach, but to protect. We can teach when the Individual
is receptive to learning—which, as has been emphasized in previous
chapters, is a process that can occur only when one feels connected,
when there a sense of belonging. Otherwise, what becomes learned
is fear-based and traumatizing.
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We mentor with acts of gentleness. Gentle Teaching is about our way
of seeing and our way of thinking; it is about a way of being with others
without any degree of violence in language or actions.
DESTINATIONS
The destination for our journey is teaching others to feel safe and
loved; to feel “at home” in the world with companionship and a
sense of community. In the direction of Gentle Teaching, we take the
roads that lead one home. Nine destinations support this collaborative
journey.
Conceptually, each destination is a place or environment for mentoring
a spirit of gentleness, with goals that relate more to specific and/or
assessed areas of need for valuing, teaching, protecting, reciprocating.
Through dialogue, we move toward destinations in the direction
of Gentle Teaching.
Once we assess where we are with this person and identify the area
of human valuing that needs to feel safe and loved, or that can work
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with and grow from this foundation, we can discern where we need
to be with this person and focus on navigating.
Walking together and working through an Individual’s journey with an
understanding of these nine destinations, protects the person’s vulnerabilities
while strengthening the foundation for their learning and growth
in social-emotional awareness and engagement. Recurring quality-oflife
values are associated with each destination. Each destination “sets
the stage” with various checkpoints for teaching and for navigating the
heart.
The value and meaning derived from each destination connect with
the inner landscape each must travel for “becoming human” or becoming
“the hero” of his/her own life.The roads that typically lead the
Individual to this inner landscape are discovered through social factors
that largely remain inaccessible without the positive experiences
of human connection for cultivating companionship and a sense of
community. Again, the relationship factor is key for this accessibility.
With the relationship vehicle and value of companionship, these nine
destinations expand the potentials and possibilities for growth, weaving
and mending social fabric, through dialogue, interrelating the social-emotional
ability of human beings with quality-of-life outcomes.
When available, an Individual’s Quality-of-Life plan is used in conjunction
with a Personal Teaching Planner, by the mentor, to identify
one’s current goals and meaningful narrative. This focus supports the
mentor in developing dialogue and relationship-building interactions
that move the journey forward.
The first three destinations are laying the foundation of companionship,
feeling safe and unconditionally accepted/loved; one can learn
to feel safe and loved, to understand that feeling safe means more
than just being safe.
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Destinations four, five, and six are building on the foundation, now
grounded by the planting and growing of mutual trust in the first
three destinations; one can learn to feel loving. Relating back to
Gentle Teaching’s roots in a psychology of interdependence, we
are aware of dependency in the journey of the first three destinations
and are cultivating the invitation toward independence.
Destinations four, five, and six focus on supporting independence
and prepare a path of dialogue for one’s awareness and receptivity
for experiencing interdependence. This invitation toward interdependence
is on the horizon while navigating these destinations,
bringing the social vision into view -- the unwavering principle
and design of our humanity.
Destinations seven, eight, and nine are expanding the foundation as
we learn, together, how to do things together, with and for others;
engaging with others and reciprocating what has been learned.
Laying the foundation of companionship
Destination 1_Structured Life Plan and Activities with Value:
Our focus is to create companionship. Through this journey,
we help to identify that the Individual has a purpose through
meaningful activities and a life of structure. Understanding a
life plan is an important part of the journey, as is each moment
that we are with the Individual. To be truly engaged with the
Individual, we must value what they value. Providing structure
gives meaning to daily activities and lays the foundation
of companionship and community.
To begin, we put ourselves in the moment with the Individual
to begin the journey of learning and growing. On the other
hand, giving structure through compliance or doing things
to pass the time, does not lay this foundation of valuing.
It only identifies that we are in control or that the activity
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becomes contingent for preferred activities. Creating this type
of learning environment devalues the intrinsic motivators of
the Individual and tears away at the foundation of building a
relationship with the Individual.
We become a part of the Individual’s life through dialogue
(verbal and non-verbal), using our tools (hands, eyes, words,
presence). As we examine the use of our tools, we reflect on
our interactions and how the Individual is reciprocating his
understanding. Especially during times of difficulty, we need
to look at the person’s learning style and the materials that we
are using to teach. If we create an environment in which the
Individual fears it will cost him/her something if (s)he tries and
fails, he will never learn from us.
Destination 2_Sense of Self-Worth: As we support the
Individual engagement in meaningful activities while maintaining
a foundation of valuing, the person begins to feel
self-worth. As we become a part of the Individual’s daily life,
we must understand how the way we use our tools impacts
the Individual. Using daily activities that normally might
seem robotic and lacking in meaning, we begin to value and
cultivate a sense of self-worth with the Individual. While the
importance of the activity won’t always be understood, the
critical thing is for us to place value on them as we do things
together. It is through this engagement that the Individual
learns to reciprocate our teaching. It isn’t just repeating the
task, but the building of companionship and community that
is important. Through this process, we lay the foundation to
build and expand an Individual’s quality of life. Without this
foundation, an Individual might do the task but will learn to
seek other activities that have no real value or purpose for
quality of life.
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Destination 3_Sense of Belongingness: Here, the focus for
mentoring is to develop presence and establish trust. As we
continue to engage or focus on building the relationship with
an authentic sense of companionship, the person begins to see
and to feel that they are connected. As we continue the journey
with the Individual, we begin to understand that our presence
creates a sense of belongingness. It is through this process that
the Individual begins to see “I am, because you exist.” It’s as if
you bring me into our world because I have value and purpose.
We are teaching the importance of doing things together and
for others. Teaching the Individual to be independent is important,
but we miss the true purpose if we are only focused
on the skill. Learning the skill only creates a sense of self without
any sense of doing things with others. Remember that if
the Individual learns the skill but is unable to communicate or
lacks the social skills, the skill has no meaning, which, in turn
creates no sense of belonging.
Building on the foundation
Destination 4_Feeling Safe and Loved: At this destination,
meaningful rituals have established the foundation of unconditional
love, and the Individual feels safe and loved. With
an absence of this feeling, one is very vulnerable to a sense
of disconnection. We can nurture this feeling with warm
interactions and participation in meaningful rituals. At this
destination, the Individual recognizes they are safe with the
caregiver and unconditionally loved by the caregiver. From
this recognition, the Individual feels a deeper sense of connectedness
with the caregiver, and it is the caregiver’s role to
be present and non-judgmental, allowing the Individual to
explore their feelings.
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Destination 5_Laying the Foundation for Inner Contentment:
The focus for this destination is to cultivate new moral memory.
Many interactions with meaningful rituals that focus on building
the relationship, as opposed to compliance or simply accomplishing
the task, create the moral memory that is needed for the
Individual to feel free of traumatic stress.At this destination, what
the Individual desires most is inner contentment. When coming
from a state of disconnect and frustration, the Individual seeks
inner contentment as a resolution. When growing in the feeling
of being safe and loved, the Individual seeks inner contentment
as the step of internalizing this feeling. Once the Individual recognizes
that he/she is safe with the caregiver, he/she longs for
inner harmony and freedom from traumatic stress.
Destination 6_Opening the Door: This is a turning point as
one is now taking on new moral memory and adjusting to
new ways of being in a culture of gentleness. As an Individual
begins looking for their harbor, we must open it with love and
with our presence. This destination is the turning point toward
peace and resolution. As the Individual seeks companionship,
it is the caregiver’s job to be receptive to this developing
stage and try to connect with the Individual. This moment of
change is the beginning of a new moral memory, reflecting
inner harmony and acceptance of each other.
Expanding the foundation
Destination 7_Being Present to Build on the Foundation: At
this destination we are creating teachable moments and creating,
together, new moral memory. As the Individual spends
time with us, (s)he begins to understand that I am because you
exist. The caregiver and Individual are now present together to
build collaboratively on the foundation of inner contentment,
and to create a genuine companionship. The relationship
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reflects a dynamic of interdependence, where both parties
recognize that “I am because you exist.” This reflection of
oneself in the other forms a deeper understanding between
the caregiver and the Individual.
The caregiver’s role is to be present with the Individual and
to create teachable moments that support the Individual’s
growth and development. This engagement lays the foundation
for mutual valuing.
Destination 8_Valuing: This is a primary goal of our relationship,
valuing each other as we teach each other that it is good
to be together and it is good to do things together. This destination
is about mutual respect and nurturing the relationship
as a foundation for learning. As a caregiver, we re-examine
how we are using our tools. Mutual valuing is a culture of respect,
with the recognition and acknowledgment of unconditional
acceptance between the caregiver and the Individual.
As caregivers, we are committed to the mentoring processes,
self-reflecting how we are using our tools to convey valuing
with warmth and flexibility. Valuing does not mean that we
focus on changing the Individual’s behavior, but rather that
we nurture the relationship as a foundation for learning.
Destination 9_Safe and Loved with Meaningful Activities to
Expand the Foundation: This is what we strive for in our relationship,
creating companionship and a sense of community
that deepens through meaningful rituals. Here we can expand
into new and different areas of doing things together. This final
destination is the goal of our collaborative relationship,
creating companionship through meaningful rituals. From the
relationship that has been built, we can now expand into new
and different areas of doing things together. We draw others in
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to expand the Individual’s community; we continue to nurture
the Individual’s possibilities and vulnerabilities as we work
toward quality of life, and we continue on the journey toward
unconditional love.
Developing dialogue and the writing of the Individual’s narrative as it
unfolds through these destinations, creates a true and broad context for
one’s story and quality of life. A deeper dimension and broader context
of value and meaning is added to a social well-being approach.
This is the outcome of Gentle Teaching and the return to gentleness.
It is giving opportunity and creating accessibility for the Individual
to discover their own capacity for social-emotional awareness and
growth in experience, and to become acknowledged, appreciated,
and accepted.
In shared social space, whether it be a home space, workspace, a
school or other place, inclusion is not about simply having Individuals
among us. Until one is able to intrinsically experience a true sense of
self and develop a sense of belonging, human beings are unable to
learn about the value and meaning of their lives.
It is a sense of belonging that makes this connection. This is the root
of interdependency that shifts self-perception, from isolation to inclusion.
A framework of Gentle Teaching develops this dimension of social
justice and provides this accessibility by cultivating companionship
and community. Companionship and community are outcomes
of mentoring. They are permanent destinations for the Four Pillars
of Gentle Teaching. This is where we continue to arrive—at a place
of companionship and community—through the mentoring work of
the nine destinations that add dimensional and qualitative value for
one’s growth and experience, laying, building, and expanding from
the foundation of companionship.
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More on navigating change with a
Quality-of-Life Model™ of services
The role of mentoring has the responsibility of navigating change.
This means knowing where the collaborative journey is heading (destination),
but more importantly, understanding how, in real time, the
journey is connecting with this person and how the relationship is
moving on its course of mentoring (navigation). A Personal Teaching
Planner uses a framework of Gentle Teaching for mapping out the
navigation, developing the direction of dialogue for creating meaningful
moments, and moving toward destinations of safe and loved.
Navigating involves the planning and following of different courses
for creating and reaching the destinations for mentoring, but it
is also making sure, all along the way, that all are on board. this
also means being watchful of the “undercurrents” that can create obstacles.
These undercurrents are vulnerabilities that don’t necessarily
originate with the Individual but can interfere in their experience due
to what exists for this person within the environment and social systems.
It might be, for example, their feeling of society’s disapproval
of them and feeling accepted, in general, especially as they become
integrated within the community. This is about the relationship and
the Individual’s connection with you. If this connection is lost, the
relationship dynamic will be out of balance and unable to function
as a vehicle for teaching.
During moments when the connection is lost, the destination does
not matter. Instead, it’s now critical for the companion/mentor to focus
entirely on rebuilding the connection. This is a time to adjust the
sails for the “stormy weather” and reach a harbor of “safe and loved.”
Stormy weather occurs when a person is drifting away from feeling
connected (safe and loved), and it can become severe if the connection
is completely lost. Feeling safe and loved will lead one “home,”
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to inner contentment and a sense of belonging. These times call on
our patience, but most of all, our commitment; to not give up or let
go, but to lift the cup, as Henri Nouwen says of these moments; to
become willing ‘to fully drink the cup that has been given to us in the
conviction that [this] will lead us to true fulfillment.’81
This is our invitation
for engagement and growth as we find our place of solidarity
in the formation of community.
Feeling safe and loved has reciprocal value and goes both ways, for
it is in giving that we receive. When you show an Individual that you
care about them and want to protect them, they can respond in a
similar way and reciprocate that back to you.
Essential Narrative
Relationship-building creates relatability by connecting meaning and
value with engagement, whether the focus of engagement is relative
to an Individual’s parenting or professional role, or with their social
well-being for quality of life.
Developing narrative with this person is advocating with them, cultivating
their unique voice and expression of self-determination. A
relatable narrative defines a sense of place in the world, expanding
the Individual’s sense of being here and belonging with others.
It implies a unique significance and social inclusion when an Individual’s
narrative script is held together within the social fabric of systems; systems
within one’s community that bring about discussions or dialogue
on behalf of this person. With the implementing of relatable and openended
narrative, an Individual’s self-determination can be protected.
When an Individual has access to this recognition and community engagement,
they can continue to feel valued and engage in meaningful
dialogue that says, to them, I am here. I am this person. I am significant.
I can make choices. I am a member of the community. I am not alone.
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A Personal Teaching Planner is a working document for charting and
navigating the collaborative journey of gentleness and for developing
the narrative script. A structural element of narrative development is its
invitation to others for imagination and social vision, for working collaboratively
to create and navigate paths toward shared destinations.
A quality-of-life plan is a “living” support and navigational path that
gives one greater accessibility to what is important and meaningful
for their daily life.
What has been learned, together, through collaborative dialogue that
one experiences with companionship and a sense of community, is
essential narrative that shares the Individual’s preferences and perspectives.
One’s voice is included when one’s voice can he heard.
This is accomplished when our social vision un-sees separation and
segregation and includes narrative communication and competence.
As each Individual engages in the journey with others and within the
formation of community, the lens of servant leadership recognizes the
value of each one’s presence and gift within the community.
Today’s acts of gentleness mentor meaningful moments that expand
in the direction of Gentle Teaching. Not only are we shifting our own
lens as we create a culture of gentleness; we also invite others to
share in a social vision that sees the need for justice-making and offers
a collaborative path for navigating change, with the building of
relationships that mutually strengthen quality of life for communities.
These interactions influence tomorrow’s possibilities and outcomes.
Acts of gentleness create waves for the future of how life can be lived
and how life can be shared, for each of us and all of us.
A philosophy of Gentle Teaching is the foundation for a Qualityof-Life
Model of services. This model supports agencies and other
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organizations in the delivery of person-centered services that develop
the narrative value of one’s voice and self-determination.
Authentic and meaningful narrative reflects an inclusive social vision.
Additionally, it summarizes the needed supports for creating accessibility
and continuity throughout one’s life, identifying what has been
learned about who this person is, and about what is needed and beneficial
for their specific social-emotional integration and processing.
Narrative development offers written material for cultivating social
justice in the writing of quality-of-life plans. The model shifts our focus
with the Individual for the long term, creating sustainability for
their quality of life, with open-ended narrative that can grow with
them as their journey continues to unfold. Not only does this “gift”
of narrative enrich one’s life and community; it is also a resource for
professionals and one’s circle of support, providing constructive content
for meaningful conversation and dialogue development, and the
writing of script for numerous applications for quality of life.
A return to gentleness makes room for one’s unique voice, for narrative
to develop through the dialogue and shared interactions between
the Individual, the caregiver, and with those who participate in the
community-centered celebrations. Community-centered celebrations
create a broader perspective of value and meaning that is collectively
acknowledged, shared, celebrated, and integrated for one’s life, with
a correlative narrative script.
Community-centered celebrations add a vital dimension of depth to
the meaning and value of relationships within the community. This
is especially effective as these celebrations revolve around dialogue,
with planning that identifies how each of us will be involved in supporting
an Individual’s possibilities and vulnerabilities, creating a
path of continuity for a culture of gentleness.
Quality-of-life outcomes and transformational change are supported
by the articulated unfolding and capturing of narrative. The tool
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of dialogue that is implemented for relationship-building with a
framework of Gentle Teaching, creates a bridge, an accessible path
of nurturing and growth for self-determination. Mentoring a spirit of
gentleness implements learning processes that engage exploration,
discovery, and the emergence of one’s unique voice and narrative.
When this is recognized and integrated into a daily life plan, the
Individual is given responsibility for their own life, with the invitation
to grow and move beyond limitations.
The principles, practice, and promise of Gentle Teaching add sustainable
value to the narrative script with a Quality-of-Life Model of
services. This model incorporates a framework of Gentle Teaching for
mentoring gentleness, for inviting engagement by supporting intrinsic
motivation and ability, and for developing accessibility and opportunity
for awareness and learning processes to unfold.
Mentoring a spirit of gentleness is the heart of our work, reflecting “3
P’s” of Gentle Teaching:
(1) A clear sense of the principles for mentoring a spirit of gentleness:
interdependence, unconditional love/acceptance, and mutual
respect that are foundational in mentoring a spirit of gentleness. This
guides our understanding of what we are looking at and being able to
identify what we are seeing. Do we see someone feeling safe? Feeling
loved? Do we understand the person’s quality of life narrative and
their moral memories of the past so that we can work together, with
them, in building the bridges that bring them to understand feeling
safe and loved?
(2) A practice of mentoring a spirit of gentleness with an understanding
of what builds companionship and community (elements and values);
our ongoing learning of knowledge gained through self-assessment so
questions can be formulated that guide our navigation of the journey;
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143
not only must we be able to identify what we are seeing (knowledge),
but we also, in our practice, need to be able to identify what we are
doing in our movements and interactions, relative to the framework
(navigating), and then also be able to understand where we are going
(Personal Teaching Planner, mentoring plan, writing goals).
(3) The promise of mentoring a spirit of gentleness is planting the seed
of hope. As an Individual learns companionship and a sense of community,
they learn it is “safe” to anticipate goodness and kindness.
When a person feels loved unconditionally and experiences a sense
of belonging, there is trust, creative joy and curiosity for learning, and
room for growing and expanding possibilities. As with any journey,
a mentoring journey can have its setbacks. That is to be expected.
Hopefully, in these moments, we can strive to keep a perspective without
judging a whole journey by a single moment or unplanned event.
Know your resources and community of mentoring support. Stay committed
to the processes of learning and growth that are serving others,
sharing with others, and simply celebrating one another in being and
becoming human.
“Hope is a crucial antidote to fear.”82
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C H A P T E R
10
MENDING THE SOCIAL FABRIC,
mending the heart with a return to gentleness
“Our task is to mend hearts that are broken by confusion,
despair, poverty, neglect, abuse, racism, segregation, old age,
chronic illness, mental illness, and developmental disabilities.
There is no single answer, only a direction we need to
take. Helping others means that we have to know who we are
and who the other is.” -Dr. John McGee83
MENDING THE SOCIAL FABRIC
145
With humility, we enter the space between us. We relate to the value
and meaning of being and becoming human, honoring the path an
Individual has taken that now crosses our own. Who am I and who
is the other? We stand on common ground, uncommonly connected.
Do we find ourselves present? Can we recognize the presence of unconditional
love that lights this path we are crossing? What might we
be communicating with our hands, eyes, and words? Can we initiate
building a bridge of dialogue (verbal or non-verbal) between ourselves
and another that might make a connection between awareness and the
heart? Do we have this connection within ourselves? Here, at the crossing
of two paths, “the heart is as a swinging door.”84
Can it be opened,
or will it be closed off from itself? In this moment, we choose the direction
for our interaction. There is only a direction we need to take.
“To love is to make of one’s heart a swinging door.”
- Howard Thurman
A framework of Gentle Teaching is a framework for social justice as
we regard our own place in the formation of community and begin
to experience the privilege of engaging with others in moments and
processes of social change, understanding that each person’s sense of
existence — the gift of being and becoming human — begins with
feeling safe and loved.
Sustaining a culture of gentleness in the midst of brokenness is a path of
the heart. Our gift is very much about each Individual’s presence mirroring
unconditional love, and each Individual’s willingness to accept the
invitation to “lift the cup,”85
as Henri Nouwen discusses, using the metaphor
of “the cup” that represents one’s life and all that it contains; not
only joy, but the whole of our human experience, which includes pain
and suffering that can break us apart as Individuals and as a community.
“Drinking the cup of life is fully appropriating and internalizing our
own unique existence, with all its sorrows and joys.”86
Mentoring
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with a relationship-building framework moves us with acts of gentleness
that uplift human experience, deepening value and meaning for
the shared moments and for each person’s life.
The social vision of Gentle Teaching is a compassionate path of relationship-building.
For the marginalized and oppressed, mending the
social fabric means reconciling fear with unconditional human valuing
that responds to the inherent, human longing to feel safe and to
feel loved.
The nature of discord that dwells in adverse conditions is inclined to
bend and even twist the mind/body/spirit as it intrinsically reaches
toward processes of becoming human, becoming whole.
Renowned German-American scholar, Wolf Wolfensberger (1934-
2011), who influenced disability policy and the reform of human
services through his development of Social Role Valorization, paid
particular attention to this deficiency that occurs in social-emotional
development. He observed the detrimental effects of this imbalance
in marginalized persons in particular, when the internal displacement
of mind/body/spirit rhythms become dissipated or lost. His studies
clarify three critical messages that must be learned for balancing the
innermost core of what constitutes being human (or three recommendations
that can be applied in counter-balancing this deficit).
Three messages are given that directly affect the most critical factors of
social-emotional development and the balancing of mind/body/spirit.
Three responses that are absorbed as generic facts from one’s external
world that shape the individual and emancipated sense of the Individual’s
self as distinct from the collective, social self, making or breaking the
social-emotional patterns that develop a person’s intrinsic nature.
Three messages, and they all point to feeling valued, feeling safe, and
feeling loved:
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147
“People who have been deeply wounded often function as
wounded persons for the rest of their lives, even if they manage
to escape from the service system. Very few things seem
to have a chance of bringing a measure of inner healing to
such persons. Among these few things are a pattern of experience
over several years that embodies three messages in a
credible way: (a) You are valuable, and hence esteemed; (b)
you are no less valuable than any other humans; (c) you are
loved by me/us/the server(s), as the case may be. Of course,
all humans can benefit from these messages and should receive
them in credible ways, but many wounded people will
not respond well to any other measures if they do not receive
these messages, and especially the third one.”87
Mentoring a spirit of gentleness communicates these three messages
by creating companionship and cultivating community.
Neither abilities nor disabilities can determine a person’s capacity for
possibilities or predicate quality-of-life outcomes. A culture of gentleness
is created from single, meaningful moments that we navigate in
the direction of Gentle Teaching. Every encounter is an opportunity
for meaningful interaction and presents a potential crossroad of hope.
In a culture of gentleness, hope fuels the heart. In its promise to “lift
the cup” of human suffering and circumstances of oppression, a return
to gentleness offers a humane and dignified response, advocating
for those who are vulnerable, whose voice is not heard, whose
heart has been broken.
While there are no answers, there is a direction with Gentle
Teaching. How we question ourselves can center dialogue and interaction
with the transformative values of social justice and the
mending of social fabric. Am I using my tools effectively? How am
I showing value for this person? Are they feeling safe and loved?
How am I protecting? Teaching? What am I learning with this
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person that will add value to their narrative and deepen meaning
for their quality of life?
“Questions that have the power to make a difference are ones
that engage people and invite them to co-create a future possibility.”
-Peter Block
Advocating for better solutions and enriching quality of life, especially
for marginalized Individuals, requires raising questions about
human valuing and social vision that can mutually benefit the structure
of our relationships and systems. We need questions that invite
intrinsic curiosity and a sense of wonder; questions that make a difference
in how we perceive ourselves, our relationships, our problems;
questions that invite compassion and imagination to walk with us on
a journey that navigates the heart, guiding a reconciliation of community
with its gifts; with a return to gentleness.
With unconditional love, a practice of Gentle Teaching brings light
into the shadows of separateness and brokenness that marginalize
and distance human beings from one another. In the shifting of our
view toward the transforming of our hearts, we will see for ourselves
that we are not divisible, any more than the horizon divides the sky
and sea.
Author and professor of ethics and mental disability, Hans S. Reinders,
describes this shift as a “paradigm shift” that occurs with the acceleration
of awareness that moves from a “defect” point of view to one
of “potential.” Reinders also talks about the moral self that becomes
aware of itself within a network of social relationships, and why only
then can this aspect of ourselves be developed, because our moral
lives are our social lives.88
Nobel Peace Prize laureate and civil rights activist Dr. Martin
Luther King, Jr., had a dream for the soul of a nation, a vision about
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149
non-violent means for navigating transformative change that would
shift the prevailing social lens. He called out the enslaved constructs
of social fabric that were tearing individuals, families, communities
and a country apart. He took a stand against infringement of civil
liberties by governments, educational systems, and private groups.
His vision was a path of non-violence. His activism was a heartfelt
cry for equality and social justice, for a new social vision that would
value the rights and dignity of every human being, for connecting and
unifying aspects of dialogue within communities, creating solutions,
together, ALL, HERE and NOW.
“Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly. We are
made to live together because of the interrelated structure of
reality.”89
-Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
Principles of interdependence provide an underlying system for a
framework of Gentle Teaching, centering interactions on the interconnected,
relational value of all human beings with one another.
In meaningfully created moments, the separateness and marginalization
of human existence can dissolve. As one spends time with us in
relationship-building and collaborative learning, one begins to understand
that “I am because you exist.” This is hope, being acknowledged
with companionship and becoming human with a sense of
community. It is valuing the opportunity and possibility of the shared
moments that intersect our paths. It is valuing each other as we learn
from one another that it is good to be together and it is good to do
things together. It is also understanding that, through our interactions,
we are, one way or another, engaging in the weaving, mending, or
tearing of social fabric.
Using our tools for relationship-building speaks to the deeper dimensions
of marginalization. In roles of servant leadership that cultivate
social-emotional awareness and potentials for a person’s narrative and
quality of life, processes of learning and mentoring directly address a
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rebalancing of social justice for individual lives, and indirectly, within
the whole and vital life of our communities. Again, without feeling
safe and loved, self-determination cannot develop.
Navigating change is about re-examining our social vision and looking
closely at the inner journey (individually and collectively) that
leads us to the paths where we encounter one another and meet in
community formation.
The social vision for a return to gentleness views a path of interdependence,
for each one and every one. Potential for awareness, curiosity,
and learning revolve around social-emotional development. The relationship
constructed with a framework of Gentle Teaching mentors
the journey from dependency to independence to interdependence.
This social vision is a valuing of gifts and human potentials that, when
supported with values of interdependency and relationship-building
properties (aka elements of companionship), is cultivating meaningful
connections and planting seeds of hope.
The Four Pillars of Gentle Teaching create a context for cultivating the
conditions necessary for social-emotional learning and development.
This foundation nourishes the interrelated roots of learning for an
Individual’s potential awareness and understanding of who they are
and who they can become. In learning, together, who this person is,
a narrative can develop; one’s story can unfold and become known to
this person and become valued and supported within the community.
A framework of value and meaning for an Individual’s existence creates
an access and invitation for engagement in growth of human
awareness, exploration, and discovery. A sense of belonging, a sense
of purpose, and the intrinsic motivation for learning are developed
through interactions that relate to and cultivate the underlying, interrelated
paths that pave the inner landscape for the blossoming and
becoming of a human being.
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151
On the spiraling path of one’s journey, value and meaning build these
bridges and make these mutually beneficial connections. To the extent
that we are given the accessible means and opportunity to explore
and cultivate the roots of connection to self, to others, to the
world within us and around us, we can envision and engage in the
unfolding of our own and others’ gifts and potentials.
Relationship-building is the integral value that factors into developing
interdependence. Our encounters and interactions with others bring
the challenge and opportunity of this social vision into our everyday
lives. In providing services with a framework of Gentle Teaching, social-emotional
development and learned or supported skills strengthen
the ability to regulate emotions and interact with others and the
world. This aspect of development is critical for social well-being,
and it is vital to a Quality-of-Life Model of services that is rooted in
the philosophy and framework of Gentle Teaching.
A return to gentleness places value on the relational spaces between
us that form an interdependent whole. The interconnected space of
our lives that hold potential gifts for encountering one another and for
each one’s journey.
A return to gentleness imagines and explores ways of reconnecting
and expanding our vision with human value and meaning; of building
connections that move away from complying or expecting compliance.
Community-centered possibilities find the best way, together.
How do we engage in this invitation? How do we navigate these relational
spaces, and what direction do our interactions take? As much
as we live interdependently within an ecological environment that
supplies sun, water, oxygen and food, we also live interdependently
within a social environment that we influence and by which we are
mutually affected.
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In the direction of Gentle Teaching, a person is met with unconditional
acceptance. We move in this direction, cultivating meaningful
dialogue and narrative value, and use our tools to teach the Four
Pillars and to navigate the heart through stormy weather.
In mentoring a culture of gentleness with a Quality-of-Life Model of
services, Reclaiming the Power of the Heart implements processes for
charting the course together and assuring quality of services. These
processes are done in addition to fulfilling state requirements and
regulations for quality-of-life services that are intended to cultivate
one’s independence. These processes protect and support Individuals
as independent human beings.
A return to gentleness centers our role on navigating social change
through our interactions with one another. Reclaiming the Power of
the Heart adds the value of quality assurance to a Quality-of-Life
Model that mentors social-emotional awareness and learning, integrating
a practice of Gentle Teaching with relationship-building processes
that collaboratively cultivate, with the Individual, self-determination
and a sense of interdependence.
“If self-determination is to become the norm, we need to recognize
that it requires new skills and that learning those skills
takes time and support. Learning to listen and act on what is
heard is a skill. The teaching strategies most needed are not
for those with disabilities, but for the people who assess, plan,
and support. They need to have opportunities to learn new
ways of listening; understanding what they heard; and communicating
it to others.”90
-Michael Smull
A Quality-of-Life Model includes (1) assessments, quality of life planning
and narrative development for the role of the Individual; (2)
self-assessment, personal planning for teaching and navigating the
course, writing for narrative development, and continued learning
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153
and competence for the role of direct caregiver; and (3) the mentoring
and support role of the community that develops daily narrative and
charts specific paths that support the Individual’s dreams, developing
plans for making their dreams a reality.
The shared journey culminates with community-centered celebrations
throughout the year that honor the Individual and reflect on the
journey and everyone’s role in this person’s journey. This time also
creates the opportunity for imagining new possibilities and discussing
dreams for the future.
To feel safe and loved, to have a sense of belonging, to feel loving and
engaged, to find intrinsic motivation and curiosity welcomed with joy
for learning and for developing the one’s authentic voice, to experience
that it is good to do things with and for others, reciprocating value
that has been shown for one’s existence and life…these are the some of
the places we explore with Gentle Teaching, discovering and celebrating
the journey together, in companionship and community.
The experiencing of companionship, the development of trust, and
the mutual shift of awareness that comes from learning together
through mentoring, moves us toward what is most authentic in ourselves:
a return to gentleness. This deepening of value and meaning is
the sowing and mending of social fabric, beginning with the person
we meet, whose path now crosses our own.
A framework of Gentle Teaching is rooted in interdependent principles,
adding value and meaning to the most basic of social-emotional
needs, to have a sense of belonging. Cultivating companionship and
a sense of community with others is relating to the space between us;
it is responding to the invitation; it is engaging in a transformative,
social vision that sets a return to gentleness on the horizon of our
interactions.
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Acknowledging, appreciating, and unconditionally accepting another
is recognizing and honoring the value of being human; creating value
and meaning with another, through dialogue, is integrating companionship
and the social value of community into the just equation for
becoming human.
“It really boils down to this, that all life is interrelated.
We are all caught in an inescapable network of mutuality,
tied into a single garment of destiny.”
-Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.91
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ADDENDUM 01
156
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Anthony (Tony) M. McCrovitz, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist and
mental health counselor, with clinical training and specialization in
child development and the integration of approaches that are rooted
in holistic, bio-psychosocial models.
In 1996, he co-founded Globe Star, an agency that provides accredited
quality-of-life services and programs for Individuals with intellectual
and developmental disabilities. He continues to serve as director
and as a consultant, mentor, and provider of training in a Quality-ofLife
Model™ of services.
His work is grounded in the relationship-building philosophy and
practice of Gentle Teaching, his source of inspiration for the writing
of this book. This social vision is based on mutual respect, unconditional
acceptance, and principles of interdependence that demonstrate
a universal, inherent unity as being indigenous to our humanity.
He holds a doctorate in I/O Psychology from Walden University, a respecialization
in Clinical Psychology from Adler Professional School
of Psychology, an MBA from Indiana Wesleyan University, and a master’s
degree in pastoral counseling from Loyola University of Chicago.
Anthony is dedicated to the sharing of knowledge and solutions, to
the sustainable development of inclusive, learning communities and
resources, and to supporting processes of self-awareness and growth
About the Author
157
that have value and meaning for life and learning, or for professional
development and practice.
Chesterton, Indiana, a midwestern town bordered by Lake Michigan
and the Indiana Dunes, is home for Anthony and his wife, Amanda,
and their four children.
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Endorsement A
When I had the chance to read the book Return to Gentleness, I
got very excited. I have had opportunities to work with and follow
Anthony McCrovitz for many years and have been very inspired by
his work and the enthusiasm he has for the people he serves.
On my more than 30-year-long journey of working with people, I
have read all the books I was able to find about Gentle Teaching, and
definitely, I put Return to Gentleness on the top of my favorites list.
In this book I find a very good flow of information about what Gentle
Teaching is about, how to put it into practice, and how to follow up in
our way of living. It explains very well the core and meaning of what
it is about to be serving others.
It is easy reading and very understandable, both for people who are
beginning to learn about Gentle Teaching and a great tool for people
who have been using it for many years, still digging deeper into the
essence of Gentle Teaching while broadening its applications.
I highly recommend this book for everyone who wants to know more
about working with people.
Kristinn Már Torfason
Vice President of Gentle Teaching International
Head of residence service center Þrastarlundur & Klettaborg
Búsetusvið Akureyrarbæjar
Iceland
kmt@akureyri.is
159
Endorsement B
I’ve known Anthony McCrovitz for more than 15 years now. I know
him as a person who is very dedicated to Gentle Teaching and to
improving the quality of life of people with a disability. He is not
only an inspiring leader in his own agency, Globe Star, but also in the
international Gentle Teaching movement. We have worked together
on deepening the theoretical foundation of Gentle Teaching and the
concept of quality of life.
One of the strong qualities of Anthony is that he is able to translate
scientific knowledge and insights into the day-to-day practice of serving
marginalized people.
Pouwel van de Siepkamp
Chairman, Gentle Teaching Foundation Netherlands
Endorsement C
Return to Gentleness, Journeying with Gentle Teaching is a necessary
read if you are ready to put the “Human” back into Human Services.
It is essential that we focus on treating the causes of challenging interaction
as signs of trauma. A focus on building valued, positive relationships
and collaborating with those supported in a person-centered
way, is the key to long-term healing and growth. Dr. Anthony
McCrovitz has provided a beautiful guide to that process!
Kym Juntti, MORC Training Director
Macomb Oakland Regional Center, Inc.,
Auburn Hills, Michigan, USA
160
Endorsement D
Return to Gentleness, Journeying with Gentle Teaching reminds us
that “we do not need to remove darkness from a room before it can
be filled with light.” Dr. McCrovitz has been a longstanding leader in
the Gentle Teaching International community, and in this book shares
his life’s work while comprehensively explaining Gentle Teaching, his
personal journey, and a model for implementation. The reader will be
inspired by the positive impact it can have on service delivery systems
and all relationships throughout one’s circle of influence. Readers
will “regenerate” a vision of what is essential to improving humanity.
Ed Kiefer, MORC Training Supervisor
Macomb Oakland Regional Center, Inc.,
Auburn Hills, Michigan, USA
161
NOTES
Introduction
1	 Traditional learning is focused on cognitive, left-brain ability. The concept of
“true” or “intrinsic” learning was introduced by psychologist Carl Rogers in the
1950’s, who formulated the premise that for “true learning” to occur, the rightbrain
must also or at least be engaged.
2	 McLeod, Dr. Saul., Simply Psychology, Carl Rogers, updated 2014 https://www.
simplypsychology.org/carl-rogers.html
3	 McGee, J. J. (1999). Mending broken hearts: Companionship and community:
a handbook for those who care for and about others. Abbotsford, BC: Homes
Society.
4	 In his writing of Mending Broken Hearts, McGee opens Chapter 3, Becoming
Connected, with words of philosopher Martin Buber (1878-1965): “But community,
growing community . . . is the being no longer side by side but with one
another . . . a flowing from I to Thou . . . “(M. Buber). Much of Buber’s philosophy
of dialogue is characterized by “the I-Thou relationship,” one of mutuality,
presence, and accessibility with a deep acknowledgement of the other’s beingness.
In Chapter 4, I refer again to Buber’s philosophy and “the space between”
us that is the space of invitation and the space we hold unconditionally for
relationship-building possibilities.
5	 Heilbrun, C. (1993). “Afterword.” In Changing Subjects: The Making of Feminist
Literary Criticism. London and New York: Routledge.
6	 Bach, M. (1996) “Quality of Life: Questioning the Vantage Points for Research.
In: Disability is not measles: new research paradigms in disability. Chapter 6. G
Allan Roeher Inst Kinsman Publication.
7	 Bach, M. (1996) “Quality of Life: Questioning the Vantage Points for Research.
In: Disability is not measles: new research paradigms in disability. Chapter 6. G
Allan Roeher Inst Kinsman Publication.
8	 Bach, M. (1996). “Quality of Life: Questioning the Vantage Points for Research.
In: Disability is not measles: new research paradigms in disability. Chapter 6. G
Allan Roeher Inst Kinsman Publication.
9	 Block, P. (2008). Community, the structure of belonging. San Francisco,
California: Berrett-Koeher Publishers, Inc.
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Chapter 1
10	 Erikson, E. H. (1980). Identity and the life cycle. New York: W W Norton & Co.;
Revised edition (1994).
11	 Erikson, E. H. (1980). Identity and the life cycle. New York: W W Norton & Co.;
Revised edition (1994).
12	 ‘the mentor’ refers to any person(s) mentoring a spirit of gentleness
13	 United Nations. (September 3, 2017). “UN connects well-being and the pursuit
of happiness.” Department of Economic and Social Affairs DESA. https://www.
un.org/en/development/desa/news/social/intl-day-happiness.html
14	 World Health Organization. (September 3, 2017). “Mental health: strengthening
our response.” Newsroom. https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/
mental-health-strengthening-our-response
15	 Bach, M. (1996). “Quality of Life: Questioning the Vantage Points for Research.
In: Disability is not measles: new research paradigms in disability. Chapter 6. G
Allan Roeher Inst Kinsman Publication. (136).
16	 Bach, M. (1996). “Quality of Life: Questioning the Vantage Points for Research.
In: Disability is not measles: new research paradigms in disability. Chapter 6. G
Allan Roeher Inst Kinsman Publication. (138 - 139).
17	 Bach, M. (1996). “Quality of Life: Questioning the Vantage Points for Research.
In: Disability is not measles: new research paradigms in disability. Chapter 6. G
Allan Roeher Inst Kinsman Publication. (139).
18	 Block, P. (2008). Community, the structure of belonging. San Francisco,
California: Berrett-Koeher Publishers, Inc.
19	 Frost, B. (February 1, 2018). “The MainTheories of Freud / Jung / Adler.” Changing
States. http://www.changingstates.co.uk/adler.html (February 1, 2018)
20	 Block, P. (2008). Community, the structure of belonging. San Francisco,
California: Berrett-Koeher Publishers, Inc.
21	 Block, P. (2008). Community, the structure of belonging. San Francisco,
California: Berrett-Koeher Publishers, Inc.
22	 Vanier, J. (1998) Becoming human. Toronto, Canada: Paulist Press.
23	 Vanier, J. (2012) An ark for the poor: the story of L’Arche. Canada: Novalis;
Revised ed. edition.
24	 Condeluci, A. (1995). Interdependence: The Route to Community. Boca Raton,
Florida: CRC Press.
25	 Blumer, H. (1986) Symbolic Interactionism: Perspective and Method. University
of California Press.
26	 Blumer, H. (1986) Symbolic Interactionism: Perspective and Method. University
of California Press.
27	 Griffin, E. (1997) A first look at communication theory. New York: McGraw-Hill.
[note: Blumer’s theory is rooted in three principles: meaning, language, and
thought, maintaining that: “These core principles lead to conclusions about the
creation of a person’s self and socialization into a larger community.”]
28	 Block, P. (2008), Community, the structure of belonging. San Francisco,
California: Berrett-Koeher Publishers, Inc.
notes
163
Chapter 2
29	 Greenleaf, R. K. (1991). The servant as leader. Indianapolis, Indiana: Robert K.
Greenleaf Center.
30	 New Oxford American Dictionary.
31	 The term ‘cup’ is being used metaphorically to represent a vessel of collected
resources, i.e., a body, of knowledge.
32	 McGee, J. J. (1999). Mending broken hearts: companionship and community
a handbook for those who care for and about others. Abbotsford, BC: Homes
Society.
33	 White, G. & Telec, F. (1998). “Birth to school” In P. Kelley & G. Gale (Eds).
Towards Excellence: effective education for students with vision impairments.
Parramatta, NSW: North Rocks Press (104).
34	 McGee, J. J. (1999). Mending broken hearts: companionship and community
a handbook for those who care for and about others. Abbotsford, BC: Homes
Society.
35	 Greene, R.,” Walking Tour for Educators, Change Your Lenses.” Lives in the
Balance. https://www.livesinthebalance.org/walking-tour-educators. (September
10, 2016).
36	 McGee, J. J. (1999). Mending broken hearts: companionship and community
a handbook for those who care for and about others. Abbotsford, BC: Homes
Society.
37	 McGee, J. J. (1999). Mending broken hearts: companionship and community
a handbook for those who care for and about others. Abbotsford, BC: Homes
Society.
38	 Smull, M. (2000), Listen, Learn, Act, selected writings by Michael W. Smull
on essential lifestyle planning, self-determination, and organizational change.
Annapolis, Maryland: Support Development Associates.
Chapter 3
39	 McGee, J. J. (1999). Mending broken hearts: companionship and community
a handbook for those who care for and about others. Abbotsford, BC: Homes
Society.
40	 McGee, J. J. (1999). Mending broken hearts: companionship and community
a handbook for those who care for and about others. Abbotsford, BC: Homes
Society.
41	 Reinders, J.S. “People with a severe intellectual disability in the light of contemporary
health ethics. A critical explanation.” (1966) 11.
42	 For further reading and research, much has been written on the approach of
Person-Centered Planning, that, in the 1990’s, became a benchmark for service
delivery. PCP was originally developed by contemporary thinker and advocate
of individuals with disabilities, John O’Brien. His breakthrough insights illustrate
how the direction of potential for a person’s life becomes possible with planning
that begins with imagination. In his co-developing and teaching of two models
for writing life plans (MAPS and PATH), O’Brien’s foundational frame of refer-
ence stems from the 1983 published work of Wolf Wolfensberger: Social Role
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Valorization (SRV), a comprehensive perspective with analytical accuracy on
the development of human relationships in human services.
43	 Lagging Skills is the term defined by Ross Greene as the unsolved problems relating
to an Individual and their social-emotional awareness and development.
SEE: Greene, Ross W., Helping Behaviorally Challenging Students: Using the
Assessment of Lagging Skills and Unsolved Problems.” Lives in the Balance.
https://www.livesinthebalance.org/hbcs-using-alsup. (May 25, 2012).
44	 Vanier, J. (1998) Becoming Human. Toronto, Canada: Paulist Press.
Chapter 4
45	 Buber, M. (1978). I and thou. Riverside, NJ: Macmillan.
46	 Brauer, D., The Role of Narratives in Leadership, Storytelling Magazine,
October 2014, http://www.omagdigital.com/article/The_Role_of_Narratives_
in_Leadership/1842241/230193/article.html.
Chapter 5
47	 PLAY-ABILITY™ relates to the degree of receptive ‘play’ factors for engaged
learning with role-modeling. ‘Play’ factors are the pliable, cognitive resources
one exhibits as tools for growth in self-awareness and social-emotional coherence,
such as imagination, intrinsic motivation, and the essential learning drive
associated with curiosity for exploration and discovery. This word defines a clear
concept that exists when observing or assessing potential and capacity for engaged
mentoring/learning opportunities. The concept is considerable for both
therapeutic and educational goals and will be termed in training and publishing
materials relating to social-emotional development, especially with regard for
Individuals with Intellectual and Developmental disabilities. This word is useful,
in general, when discussing or researching the processes of how human
beings genuinely learn, grow in self-awareness, and potentially develop socialemotional
coherence. (Quality of Life Institute, Inc., 2021)
48	 Kegan, R. (1982). The evolving self: Problem and process in human development.
Cambridge, Massachusetts: Harvard University Press.
49	 Honneth, A. (1996). The struggle for recognition: the moral grammar of social
conflicts. Translated by Joel Anderson with Thomas McCarthy. Cambridge,
Massachusetts: MIT Press.
50	 Kegan, R. (1982). The evolving self: Problem and process in human development.
Cambridge, Massachusetts: Harvard University Press.
51	 Kegan, R. (1982). The evolving self: Problem and process in human development.
Cambridge, Massachusetts: Harvard University Press.
Chapter 6
52	 Campbell, J. (2008) The Hero with a Thousand Faces. Third edition. Novato,
California: New World Library.
53	 Vanier, J. (1998) Becoming Human. Toronto, Canada. Paulist Press.
54	 Quote Investigator. “What you can do, or dream you can, begin it; boldness
notes
165
has genius, power, and magic in it.” https://quoteinvestigator.com/2016/02/09/
boldness/#note-13007-12. (January 12, 2020).
55	 Trent, J., PH.D., & Smalley, G. (1986) The Blessing. NewYork: Simon & Schuster,
Inc.
Chapter 7
56	 Fox, M. J. (2009). Always looking up: The adventures of an incurable optimist.
New York: Hyperion.
57	 Vanier, J. (1998). Becoming Human. Toronto, Canada: Paulist Press.
58	 McGee, J. J. (1999). Mending broken hearts: companionship and community a
handbook for those who care for and about others. Abbotsford, BC: Homes Society.
59	 Block, P. (2008) Communities, a sense of belonging. San Francisco, California:
Berrett-Koehler Publishers, Inc.
60	 Block, P. (2008) Communities, a sense of belonging. San Francisco, California:
Berrett-Koehler Publishers, Inc.
61	 Condeluci, A. (1995). Interdependence: The Route to Community. Boca Raton,
Florida: CRC Press.
62	 Greenleaf, R. K. (1991). The servant as leader. Indianapolis, Indiana: Robert K.
Greenleaf Center.
63	 Greenleaf, R. K. (1991). The servant as leader. Indianapolis, Indiana: Robert K.
Greenleaf Center.
64	 Buber, M. (1978). I and thou. Riverside, New Jersey: Macmillan.
65	 McGee, J. J. (1989). Being together: Toward a psychology of human interdependence.
Omaha, Nebraska: Creighton University.
66	 Vanier, J. (1998). Becoming human. Toronto, Canada: Paulist Press.
67	 Vanier, J. (1998). Becoming human. Toronto, Canada: Paulist Press.
68	 McGee, J. J. (1999). Mending broken hearts: companionship and community
a handbook for those who care for and about others. Abbotsford, BC: Homes
Society.
Chapter 8
69	 For further reading and discussion, much has been researched and published on
topics relating to the heart-brain connection, the interconnectedness of socialemotional
development processes, and findings from neuroscience.
70	 Bennett, Milton J., “Towards Ethnorelativism: A Developmental Model of
Intercultural Sensitivity.” In Paige, R.M. (Ed). (1993) Education for the Intercultural
Experience (2nd ed.). Yarmouth, ME: Intercultural Press.
71	 Horton, M. & Freire, P. (1990). We make the road by walking, conversations on
education and social change. Philadelphia: Temple University Press.
72	 McGee, J. J. (1999). Mending broken hearts: companionship and community
a handbook for those who care for and about others. Abbotsford, BC: Homes
Society.
73	 Note: recurring themes: being acknowledged, being appreciated, being accepted,
as referenced in Condeluci, A. (1995). Interdependence: The Route to
Community. Boca Raton, Florida: CRC Press.
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74	 Rogers, C. R. (1961) On becoming a person, a therapist’s view of psychotherapy.
Boston: Houghton Mifflin.
75	 Rogers, C. R. (1961) On becoming a person, a therapist’s view of psychotherapy.
Boston: Houghton Mifflin.
76	 McGee, J. J. (1999). Mending broken hearts: companionship and community
a handbook for those who care for and about others. Abbotsford, BC: Homes
Society.
77	 Quality-of-Life Model™ of services applies Navigating the Heart During Stormy
Weather (NHDSW) as the training for crisis intervention and for laying the foundation
of teaching safe and loved as one is learning to befriend emotions that
can arise as a crisis. An agency or organization that implements this model of
services would include an intensive training segment on this topic in the Initial
Teaching program and continued training for all staff.
78	 R.G. Erksine (1998). Attunement and involvement: therapeutic responses to relational
needs. International Journal of Psychotherapy, Vol. 3 No. 3.
79	 Greene, R. W. (2010). The explosive child: A new approach for understanding
and parenting easily frustrated, “chronically inflexible” children (Revised 4th
edition). New York: Harper Collins
80	 Rogers, C. R. (1961) On Becoming a Person. A therapist’s view of psychotherapy,
Boston: Houghton Mifflin (1967 – London: Constable).
81	 Nouwen, H.J.M. (1996) Can you drink the cup? United States: Ave Maria Press.
82	 Jevne, R. F. (1991). It all begins with hoe: patients, caregivers, & the bereaved
speak out. San Diego, California: Lura Media
Chapter 10
83	 McGee, J. J. (1999). Mending broken hearts: companionship and community
a handbook for those who care for and about others. Abbotsford, BC: Homes
Society.
84	 Thurman, H. (2014). A Strange Freedom: the best of Howard Thurman on religious
experience and public life. Boston: Beacon Press (184).
85	 Nouwen, H.J.M. (1996) Can you drink the cup? United States: Ave Maria Press.
86	 Nouwen, H.J.M. (1996) Can you drink the cup? United States: Ave Maria Press.
87	 Wolfensberger, Wolf. “Similarities and Differences Between Peace-Making
and Nonviolence and Their Relevance to Services to People Who are Mentally
Retarded,” Journal of Intellectual and Developmental Disabilities 45, no. 4
(2007), 284.
88	 Reinders, H. S. (2000). The future of the disabled in liberal society: An ethical
analysis. Notre Dame, IN: University of Notre Dame Press.
89	 James M. Washington, ed., (1986) A Testament of Hope: The Essential Writings
and Speeches of Martin Luther King, Jr. New York: Harper Collins.
90	 Smull, M. (2000), Listen, Learn, Act, selected writings by Michael W. Smull
on essential lifestyle planning, self-determination, and organizational change.
Annapolis, Maryland: Support Development Associates.
91	 James M. Washington, ed., (1986) A Testament of Hope: The Essential Writings
and Speeches of Martin Luther King, Jr. New York: Harper Collins.